THINKING OUTSIDE THE BIG BOX

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-13-23)

 

     Like some folks, I spent July 4th celebrating my independence from some of the junk that's in our garage, and endeavoring to replace it with more stuff that will one day itself be junk. I needed some big boxes to throw the stuff out, and where better to get them than a big box store? The Home Improvement Store (not its real name) is the biggest big box store I can think of, and when I got there I was surprised to find that the plum parking spaces were reserved for "Pro Shoppers." I researched this further and apparently it's a rewards program for frequent customers, and as they buy more home improvement stuff they get a free drink or snack credited to their account. The more they spend, the more free snacks they get, and they start to drool like Pavlov's dog as they loiter around the gardening section.

     I found a guy wearing an orange apron and I asked, "Hi- I recently received an SOS message from something stranded on my kitchen island. Where would I find materials to rescue it?" "You might try the Isle Aisle, Number 122." "Oh, OK, Aisle do that. I mean I'LL do that." I found a huge dolly the size of a cabin cruiser, big enough to hold all my purchases until my credit card company calls to have an intervention. They're the only people who ever say that I don't give myself enough credit. Once I got to Aisle Number 122, they had everything there but the kitchen sink, which was unfortunate, since I needed a new kitchen sink.

     "Oh- Kitchen sinks are in Aisle number 3. It's about half a mile west of here, then you turn right at this thing that looks like a roll of insulation. That's actually my manager." No sooner did I manage to get my cart moving again when a guy coming out of Aisle 121 with an even bigger cart almost hit me. "Dude I have the right of way, since I'm going straight and you're making a turn. Plus once I get going I can't stop this thing without casting anchor." He said, "My apologies, I didn't realize you were going straight since two of your three wheels are going in opposite directions." He was a little drooly and had a glazed-over look, I pegged him as a "Pro Shopper."

     As I walked through the walls of hardware I couldn't help feeling sorry for Henry F. Phillips. Imagine going through life with a head so oddly shaped that they named the Phillips-head screwdriver after you? I asked a sales representative, "Do you have any spot remover?" "Hmmm.... It used to be in that spot right over there." We need new trash cans, but I have no idea how to throw out the old ones. If I put the old bin inside the new bin, will the trash collector know that the old bin is a has-been?

     I stalked the power tool section, because not needing something is a poor excuse not to buy it. If you were fighting a war, I bet you could defend your territory one Home Improvement Store (not its real name) at a time. Just in this aisle alone, with pneumatic nail guns, impact wrenches and a Milwaukee Sawzall, I like your chances. You'd have to lure the enemy to the store using, say, the promise of an air conditioner sale.

     In the lawn section there was a 23-horsepower fabricated-deck V-twin engine with a hydro-static transmission gang mower that I had my eye on. Loaded up with a sunroof and custom wheel covers I bet it would be a pretty sweet ride. I imagined people racing these things at Watkins Glen, and meanwhile they get their grass cut for free. But I'm saving my money for a grain harvester.

     I strike up a little small talk on the checkout line with a guy sporting quite a few prison tattoos. "Wow that's an interesting array you've got there, duct tape, zip ties, rubber gloves, bleach and a shovel! You must have quite a problem with rats! HA HA HA HA!" I got the hell out of there. I ended up behind a guy with a 30-foot beam in his cart, and I could barely make out the cashier in the distance. A new checkout line opened and when he turned his cart around to make a scramble for it about 15 of us had to double-Dutch over his beam. In the parking lot I couldn't fit some of my purchases in the car, and I thought about buying the lawn mower just to get the stuff home. In the end I was able to get home with everything except for quite a bit of my money.