FINDING CHRISTMAS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-14-23)

 

     The older I get, the longer it takes to get myself into the Holiday spirit. I guess that's only natural, since it takes me longer now to do just about anything, especially if I have to get up out of a chair to do it. But I'll get there. When I was growing up my family used to decorate our Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and that would certainly excite each of my senses. The smell of the pine, the sight of the lights playing through the branches, the feel of the resiny boughs, the sound of the cat throwing up in the corner. I told it not to try to eat tinsel but cats think they know everything.

     If Hallmark Christmas movies can get you into a yuletide frame of mind, they started in July and they're still going on.  A weird apogee will one day occur when Hallmark will have finally produced enough Christmas movies to run them back-to-back from December 26th for the entire year.

     I just want to get through the day without thinking that I blew my chance to make someone happy. I concede that I'm not the greatest gift-giver. You're supposed to put yourself in the other person's shoes and figure out what they would want if you were them. I do the next best thing, and put the other person in my shoes and figure out what they would want if they were me. And when Christmas is in the rear view mirror and you can barely make it out, I see those very same shoes in the closet and ask, "Hey Honey, it doesn't look like you've worn these size 11 shoes I got you- do you mind if I try them on?"

     Part of the problem is timing- anything we really need, we never seem to need two weeks before Christmas. And that leaves two categories: stuff that we don't really need, and stuff that we REALLY don't really need. There's another rule of thumb that says to get a gift that the other person wouldn't get for themself. I can always check that box with no problem.

     If you want to get someone a traditional present, there are some time-honored favorites, like the Chia Pet. In 2008 the Chia company introduced versions of their sprouting figures based on presidential candidates, and according to their website, sales figures have predicted the winner of the White House. I will say that Chia hair was not a flattering look for Mitt Romney, and it may have cost him the presidency

     Another great gift is Flex Seal, and the entire Flex Seal family of products. Armed with a roll of that you can cut your powerboat in half with a chain saw, then duct tape it back together for your next fishing trip. On their website you can purchase a leather-bound Flex Seal journal in which you can document the best two days of boat ownership: the day you buy the boat and the day you sell it. If you did cut it in half it will be easier to split the profits.

     A lot of gifts these days focus on technology. One of the "Best Gifts of 2023," according to an on-line article of the New York Times, is a flame-less lighter that emits a plasma arc. I'm not sure what a plasma arc is, but just for fun I'd like to point it at Superman and see if anything happens.

     How about the Black Falcon mini-drone? It comes with a 360-degree camera and it's own carrying case, although if you have to carry it with you you probably don't know how to work it. The promotional video shows beautiful aerial views from it soaring high above the Alps, and not over the house down the street that has a pool and is rented by four college girls.

     And yet some gifts hearken back to a day when words like "hearken" were popular. Like Tote-A-Fort, the portable fort-making kit that comes with nylon sheets and Velcro straps so your kids can make their own private hideaway anywhere, and indulge themselves outside of your purvey with something that will eventually get them sent to military school.

     What about a bouquet of flowers that you assemble yourself using Lego parts? If you know someone who just retired and is getting on your nerves staying at home all day and has already cut his boat in half, why not put him to work making a pretty parcel of posies made up of parts that will eventually somehow get stuck in your foot?

     The gift of giving is the thing that will put you into the holiday mood. Seeing that smile on her face that says, "It's just like YOU to get me THAT," makes it all worthwhile. And while Flex Tape may not be the most romantic gift, it did save our waterbed, and that is a TRUE Christmas miracle.