A TENSION GETTER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-13-24)

     Whenever you see the holidays reflected in art, they usually depict families, together again, laughing, having a grand old time, eating, drinking, and not fighting. That is why we invented art, so that we could picture things the way we want them to be, and give ourselves something to shoot at. I meant to say "shoot for," but that brings me to my point. When reality falls short and it turns out we don't live in a Norman Rockwell painting, it can be a stress-inducing torment. Norman Rockwell himself once said that he painted happiness, but he didn't live it. If I could paint, I would rather live happiness and not paint it. And if I was a sculptor, well then again, no. 

     That's why it's important to take a few moments for yourself, before everyone arrives and takes all your moments for themselves. Everyone has different ways of dealing with trials and errors, and finding the right one for you might be a matter of trial and error.

     Many people like to put themselves in someone else's hands for an hour or so. Massage may be relaxing for some, but not for me; I'm as ticklish as it gets, and massaging me would be like massaging an eel. Even if I wasn't ticklish, I'd be afraid that the therapist would take a look at my body and say, "What's this bone doing here?" And I'd say, "It's probably up to no good, like the rest of them. Can't you massage it over to where it's supposed to be, like a bubble in a hose?" My wife says that she sometimes falls asleep during the massage, and I ask, well then, how do you know it was relaxing?

     There are those who consider yoga to be the way to achieve their best self, through breath control and self-awareness. My friend said she attended a goat yoga session, and the goat was lousy at it. Even when in the dog position, the cat position and the camel position, it still looked like a goat. Then it started to eat the yoga mat. Another girl I know said she attended a hot yoga session, and it wasn't that hot. So I don't think it's for me, because a 6-foot, 2-inch guy in the shape of a pretzel does not sound appetizing. Yes, you say, but have you ever seen a stressed-out pretzel?

     There are people who swear by Transcendental Meditation. You choose a mantra, something easy to remember, like your Social Security number, and repeat it out loud over and over. Your eyes are closed, and 15- 20 minutes later, you transcend something. If my eyes are closed for 15- 20 minutes, I'm either attending a joint session of Congress, presiding over a meeting at work or pretending to be asleep, and I am known for my realistic pretending. I remember when the Beatles went to India to meet with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi at an ashram near the Himalayas, to try to achieve the seven levels of consciousness. I can get to the first level of consciousness only after a large cup of coffee, and I cannot achieve the second without being tased.

     My idea of relaxation is to ride my motorcycle on a warm November day when the leaves are off the trees. You can see 180 degrees for miles around, the wind racing you, your body and the machine in a synchronous accord of balance and purpose. There is no radio, no one talking to you, no cellphone ringing. You are alone with your thoughts, which trust me, is better than being alone with mine, especially without a chaperone. The beauty of the occasion lasts as long as the weather holds out, there are no potholes, no deer and no one pulls out quickly in front of you. Nothing is forever.

     I know some people that aren't truly at peace unless they are engaged in battle. This may sound like a paradox, but they crave disorder in the world so that they can tame their own little piece of it. Drama queens, divas, cardiologists, their way of relieving with stress is to cause an equal amount of it in others.

     If you don't shut your brain down once in a while, it's going to take some vacation time at the worst possible moment. So take a few minutes, take a deep breath, and picture how nice it will be when your sister and brother-in-law come home for the holidays and everyone's together at last. And how she still makes fun of the way you make mashed potatoes, and how he still can't stop talking about how much more money he makes than you although he never picks up the check, and how you still have to follow their kid around saying "please don't touch that," because it seems like there are hyenas better trained than he is.

     And then picture how you'll feel when you're waving to their taillights, and you have a sink full of dishes, wrapping paper all over the place, inappropriate gifts to return, and instead of dealing with any of it you decide to get to the bottom of a cup of hot chocolate and the Times crossword puzzle. That moment will make all the stress worth it, and I can't stress that enough.