2023: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-25-24)

 

     Here is a summary of the stories that you might have missed when you were wasting time reading the New York Times. I have carefully curated the most important stories of 2023, along with some pertinant observations, not unlike the observation that I should probably be under. Here they are, in reverse alphabetical order of appearance.

AUSTRALIAN MEAT START-UP DEVELOPS WOOLLY MAMMOTH MEATBALL
A company named Vow has successfully fashioned a glob of lab-produced meat using a DNA sequence from cells harvested from the long-extinct woolly mammoth species. They're hoping that this discovery will open up a conversation about how we think of meat. No one has invited ME into the conversation I notice, because they're afraid I might suggest that the mammoth meatball could be served with a mole sauce from an actual mole. I'm wondering if the same process can be used to make food out of whatever is in that jar in the back of my refrigerator, that is also long-extinct. I find it fascinating that the future of meat is 15,000 years old, and I guess this proves what I've been saying all along: Just because you CAN eat something doesn't mean you SHOULD. It also proves what saber-tooth tigers have been saying all along: Woolly mammoths require a lot of salt.

POST MALONE BUYS "LORD OF THE RINGS" CARD FOR $2 MILLION
Austin Richard Post, better known as rapper Post Malone, is a big fan of an immersive fantasy game based on Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings," which is played using collectible cards. Post Malone located the owner of a special one-of-a-kind issue and bought it from him for two million dollars, and they posed for a picture together after the sale. But I couldn't really concentrate on the magic card because I was mesmerized by Post Malone's face, which, due to a preponderance of tattoos, looked like my notebook during geometry class in high school. Instead of "body art," they appear to be scribbles and doodles, and they made me think that tattoo artists probably know even less about geometry than I do.

AI-GENERATED "SEINFELD" PARODY AIRS ON TWITCH
Imagine a world where "a show about nothing" airs, using no writers, no director and no actors. Well, that world is ours, and it's nothing to laugh about. A show called "Nothing, Forever," debuted on the streaming site Twitch, and it potentially could mirror the evolution of AI itself. The creators used several AI softwares to develop a 24/7 stream based on the characters of "Seinfeld." The result is a somewhat crude and boring entity that feels like the early days of Atari's "Pong," but which could exhibit its own growth as its algorithms become more sophisticated. The fact that the characters are starting to realize that they are computer-generated has some worried that the apocalypse is near. If so, the apocalypse might not be as funny as you'd think.

AIR FORCE SHOOTS DOWN CHINESE BALLOON
A suspected surveillance balloon of Chinese origin was spotted flying over Alaska, possibly sending back the report to China that not much goes on in Alaska. It was deemed a potential threat to other unidentified flying objects that had more important spying to do, and was shot down by the U.S. military several days later. The incident just reaffirms what we've always thought: that the American military is no fun. That's why I never invite them to my birthday party (they probably wouldn't come anyway, for the same reason). "Excuse me, General, but did you just shoot down all our balloons?" "Yes, sir, they were potentially spying." "And what about our piñata? You blew it up." "Yes, sir, an obvious money-laundering operation. Case-in-point: $100,000 bars came out of it." "I saw that you ate several of them. What about our donkey that you chased off? We were going to give rides on it." "Yes, sir, but don't worry, I had it followed." "You put a tail on our donkey?"

DWI SUSPECT TRIES TO SWITCH PLACES WITH DOG
A man in Colorado was stopped by the Springfield Police Department for speeding and possible DWI, and attempted to switch places with his dog, who was in the passenger seat. He insisted he was not driving and attempted to flee but was immediately apprehended. The dog surrendered peacefully. In comparison, my dog, while excelling in extreme cuteness, is not at all skilled in motor functions that require an actual motor, although she is good at parallel barking. The entire episode makes me wonder if this is really the first time they've tried to pull off this stunt, and whose idea it was. Colonoscopies, double dates, bank robberies, obedience training, ventriloquism, they all seem like fair game for the old switcheroo. It also made me thankful that he is not an airline pilot. The man, not the dog.

     Well, I think you'll now agree that knowledge is painful sometimes, and that's why they say, "WOW, that smarts." I'll be back next time with some more stories that I did not make up even if I could have, along with some commentary that I shouldn't have made up even if I didn't.