ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (11-08-18)
What did you do for Halloween? I love a party on the Saturday before Halloween for all sorts of reasons, and the most important of those is the prevalence of candy that does not try to pretend to be good for you. Just give me a Kit Kat bar, a Butterfingers, some peanut M & Ms and a Three Musketeers. Don't try to shortchange my calories with Two Musketeers. If someone says to me, "I have a REAL treat for you! REAL peaches, with REAL CREAM!" You are going to see my face drop all the way to the floor. I don't want any coconut, any licorice, any strawberry, anything squirting out of the middle of the chocolate onto my shoe. I just want enough chocolate to alter my triglyceride levels, and I am willing to put up with all the other stuff, the costumes, the spider webs, the evil laughter, to get it.
We went to a party with our friends Laurie and Mark. I was dressed as an internet troll, with my troll horns, and troll hands and troll beard, and a computer keyboard to troll with. I must have spent $80 bucks on all this crap. The problem is that I raised the bar too high that one year when I made a costume out of my wife's bathroom rug. I sewed it into the shape of a llama's face, with a talking mouth that opened and closed when I pulled a string so that I could sing songs through it. I accompanied myself on the guitar, sang "9 to 5," and I had a blonde wig, a denim skirt and big boobs. Yes, you're absolutely right, I was the Dolly Llama. Now everybody expects that I'm going to top that, and not only that, but my wife is still mad at me for ruining her bathroom rug.
Another thing to like about Halloween is that girls always look great. Cat ears and a tail are such a flattering look that it's surprising god didn't just assemble them that way in the first place. I asked one feline if she could hear any better with the cat ears on, and she said, "What?" So I guess not. Halloween is a great opportunity for girls to try out accessories in a high margin-of-error environment. Does this Wonder Woman outfit make me look fat? I don't know but I bet Wonder Woman asked the same thing every day. Does this female lumberjack outfit make my axe look big? Do these horns make me look... well, never mind about the horns.
As good as girls look on Halloween is how bad guys usually look. Men dressed as cavemen, or babies or gladiators usually just look lost, and I'm willing to include myself in that assessment. I look around the room and wonder who has been leading a double life. See that guy over there dressed as a fairy? He puts on a suit-and-tie costume for 364 Halloweens in a row, and on one night at the end of October, he finally gets to be himself. Hashtag #LIVINGALIE.
I like to see the lengths people are willing to go to to be in the spirit of things. I follow the person dressed as an angel with really long wings or something and wait until they are at the dessert table. Then I come up behind them and yell, "I've been touched by an angel, INAPPROPRIATELY!" And see how much crap they can knock off the table when they turn around. I help to clean up the candy from the floor of course. When I told my wife I was going to be a troll, she said fine, just don't make it a hobbit. After a half hour I had to take my costume off, because I couldn't open the candy with my troll hands on. I couldn't see through my wig and the hair was falling out into my beer. I asked if it would be inappropriate for a troll to put its hair up in a French bun, and the answer turned out to be "yes."
The party was a total witch hunt. I found some in a coven by the hot food table, and each one had a broom. By the end of the party the place was a total mess, and do you think any of them used the broom once to tidy up a little bit? Some of those cobwebs looked like they've been there for a while. Halloween does not have an infinite shelf life. I was starting to itch from something I wasn't even wearing anymore, and it seems I'm allergic to feathers. I went into the bathroom and there was this little plastic Frankenstein in there laughing like the dickens, an inappropriate laugh. What could be so funny in the bathroom? I always thought Frankenstein seemed pretty normal, but I'm beginning to wonder.
On the car ride home I started thinking about next year's costume. I still have my Dolly Llama outfit somewhere, and those are big hooves to fill. If I run out of ideas I may try it again, but if me and the real Dalai Lama show up at the same party, I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do.
What did you do for Halloween? I love a party on the Saturday before Halloween for all sorts of reasons, and the most important of those is the prevalence of candy that does not try to pretend to be good for you. Just give me a Kit Kat bar, a Butterfingers, some peanut M & Ms and a Three Musketeers. Don't try to shortchange my calories with Two Musketeers. If someone says to me, "I have a REAL treat for you! REAL peaches, with REAL CREAM!" You are going to see my face drop all the way to the floor. I don't want any coconut, any licorice, any strawberry, anything squirting out of the middle of the chocolate onto my shoe. I just want enough chocolate to alter my triglyceride levels, and I am willing to put up with all the other stuff, the costumes, the spider webs, the evil laughter, to get it.
We went to a party with our friends Laurie and Mark. I was dressed as an internet troll, with my troll horns, and troll hands and troll beard, and a computer keyboard to troll with. I must have spent $80 bucks on all this crap. The problem is that I raised the bar too high that one year when I made a costume out of my wife's bathroom rug. I sewed it into the shape of a llama's face, with a talking mouth that opened and closed when I pulled a string so that I could sing songs through it. I accompanied myself on the guitar, sang "9 to 5," and I had a blonde wig, a denim skirt and big boobs. Yes, you're absolutely right, I was the Dolly Llama. Now everybody expects that I'm going to top that, and not only that, but my wife is still mad at me for ruining her bathroom rug.
Another thing to like about Halloween is that girls always look great. Cat ears and a tail are such a flattering look that it's surprising god didn't just assemble them that way in the first place. I asked one feline if she could hear any better with the cat ears on, and she said, "What?" So I guess not. Halloween is a great opportunity for girls to try out accessories in a high margin-of-error environment. Does this Wonder Woman outfit make me look fat? I don't know but I bet Wonder Woman asked the same thing every day. Does this female lumberjack outfit make my axe look big? Do these horns make me look... well, never mind about the horns.
As good as girls look on Halloween is how bad guys usually look. Men dressed as cavemen, or babies or gladiators usually just look lost, and I'm willing to include myself in that assessment. I look around the room and wonder who has been leading a double life. See that guy over there dressed as a fairy? He puts on a suit-and-tie costume for 364 Halloweens in a row, and on one night at the end of October, he finally gets to be himself. Hashtag #LIVINGALIE.
I like to see the lengths people are willing to go to to be in the spirit of things. I follow the person dressed as an angel with really long wings or something and wait until they are at the dessert table. Then I come up behind them and yell, "I've been touched by an angel, INAPPROPRIATELY!" And see how much crap they can knock off the table when they turn around. I help to clean up the candy from the floor of course. When I told my wife I was going to be a troll, she said fine, just don't make it a hobbit. After a half hour I had to take my costume off, because I couldn't open the candy with my troll hands on. I couldn't see through my wig and the hair was falling out into my beer. I asked if it would be inappropriate for a troll to put its hair up in a French bun, and the answer turned out to be "yes."
The party was a total witch hunt. I found some in a coven by the hot food table, and each one had a broom. By the end of the party the place was a total mess, and do you think any of them used the broom once to tidy up a little bit? Some of those cobwebs looked like they've been there for a while. Halloween does not have an infinite shelf life. I was starting to itch from something I wasn't even wearing anymore, and it seems I'm allergic to feathers. I went into the bathroom and there was this little plastic Frankenstein in there laughing like the dickens, an inappropriate laugh. What could be so funny in the bathroom? I always thought Frankenstein seemed pretty normal, but I'm beginning to wonder.
On the car ride home I started thinking about next year's costume. I still have my Dolly Llama outfit somewhere, and those are big hooves to fill. If I run out of ideas I may try it again, but if me and the real Dalai Lama show up at the same party, I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do.
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