WILD AND RILED

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (10-29-20)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     Did you happen to see that video by a jogger in Utah who encountered a mama cougar on the trail? The puma had him shaking in his pumas for about six minutes while he filmed the whole thing, not because the mountain lion was so unusual, but because no one would ever believe he could run so fast. The guy taking the video seemed either really brave or really stupid, because if a wild animal is chasing you, and you have no weapon, at least throw the damn camera at it. If you happen to come across a unicorn, go ahead and keep filming, unless he looks like he's going to charge you. In that case, find out how much he's going to charge you but keep filming. He only has that one corn, hence the name, but you might be sitting on a viral video goldmine.

     You can sometimes tell if an animal is just about to kill you by reading his body language. I have a cat, so I have some experience with the breed if I might extrapolate a little bit. If he starts licking himself that means he's probably about to fall asleep. By the way ANYTHING my cat does means he's about to fall asleep. Hold on, the mountain lion just lifted his tail. Is that good or bad? Let me consult my Mountain Lion-to-English dictionary. Lifting the tail is good. Now he lowered it, bad. Raised it again, and I'm flipping pages unaware that the mountain lion is sitting with its tail in a pricker bush. Experts always say that the wild animal is more afraid of you than you are of them. Who are the experts that say things like that? Experts who have 1.) never encountered a mountain lion, and 2.) have grossly underestimated how afraid I am of them.

     Sure, open your coat to make yourself look fatter, even though you just suffered on the keto diet for six months to get this thin. "Just to be clear, I am NOT fat, you stupid mountain lion. I am sturdily-boned, which I inherited from my Mom and has nothing to do with ME. I'm using the coat to make me LOOK fatter, so technically the COAT is fat. And there are no mountains around here, so you're just a hillock lion at best." And what is the first thing the mountain lion is going to see when you open your coat? That you're not packing. "No weapon, I see, not even a Swiss Army knife with a pair of tweezers that you can pluck my eyebrows with. Just that cell phone. Maybe you can call your sturdily-boned Mom." Experts say that it's wise not to antagonize a wildcat.

     I read that you're supposed to make eye contact with the mountain lion and stare him down. I also read that if it's a bear, you should NOT make eye contact. I'm never going to remember which to do in the heat of battle so I guess I'll just have to keep an eye on things. I have a "psycho face" that I make if I think someone's going to give me attitude on the subway. I tried it out on my wife and she said I just look like an idiot, but I wasn't fully into character. I have yet to test it on wild animals though.

     You shouldn't underestimate any one of god's creatures, they all have something that they do much better than humans do. My wife has a hummingbird feeder, and they fly at each other and bicker about who hogged the most nectar, all day long. I've thought about going out there to break up the fight, but I'm a little anxious about interfering. What could a hummingbird possibly do to a coward like me? Why don't you let one fly in your ear and hum the "Kars for Kids" jingle for a while and find out.

     And there is a woodpecker attacking our house. There are three reasons a woodpecker taps on your siding: 1.) It's looking for food, 2.) It's making a nesting hole or, 3.) It's learning the drum solo in "Moby Dick." We're empty nesters and the last thing we need is a woodpecker moving in, so I did a little research on how to get rid of them. I read that if you spray the pecking area with hot sauce, they'll toast their little tongues and move on. So I'm out there with a lawn sprayer filled with tabasco sauce hosing my house, and it's just another reason people don't come over.

     The mountain lion was only protecting its young, so don't be too hard on her. In comparison, my Mom told us to go out and play in the streets, and if a jogger had threatened us she would have told him to stay off the lawn. Maybe someday that guy and the mountain lion will get together and watch the video, and have a good laugh over it. "OMIGOD! Look at that face I'm making! And my hair! Jesus, so '20s!" "Nah, you look like a real 'cougar!'" For now, it's a jungle out there, so be safe. I was recently chased by a snail who was protecting its young, and I'll tell you right now, if it ever catches up to me and slugs me, I'm going to video the whole thing. I'll keep you posted.