I'M ON FACEBOOK

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-15-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I've been putting off putting myself out there on the net for a long time, since social media often seems so antisocial. There is a lot of political carping, and people saying a lot of dumb stuff just to get a reaction. I know a couple of people who get themselves banned on a regular basis by posting incendiary comments that get flagged by the Facebook police. "Excuse me, officer, what seems to be the trouble?" "Well," Facebook Cop says, "you said a whole bunch of stuff about Trump that, even though it was true, no one would BELIEVE it was true, so I'm going to have to cuff you up." "Okay," I say, "but if you use the pink furry ones again please don't post a picture of it on my timeline." It isn't me posting all the politics, that's not my thing. I don't need a bunch of people gerrymandering me while I'm trying to figure out how to post a video of my dog. By the way, how DO you post a video of my dog? And how did you even get a video of my dog?

     Also I've been afraid of being targeted by advertising bots. These things follow every mouse click and know everything you purchase, and tailor ads that appeal to everything you hate about yourself. I just got a pop-up from Russia: "THAT'S what you bought for your wife's birthday? You should be ashamed of yourself." I know I should be ashamed of myself, I just can't decide which thing to be ashamed for at the moment. And the fact that nefarious geeks are sitting in their basement tracking my every move just so they can make fun of me scares the crap out of me. Hold on, I just got an alert on Facebook Messenger from a North Korean hacker: "Dude, you're going to SEARS?" "Excuse me," I reply, "I have a Kenmore dishwasher from 1993 that is still under warranty." South Korea says, "Hey, I heard Roebuck is back in the picture and they're thinking of renewing their vows." "Ha, ha, ha, emoji, emoji, etc., etc.," I reply. Now that I know other countries are following me I pass right by the erotic bakery, even though there is an exhibitionist doughnut in the window that looks REALLY good, I don't care WHAT it's shaped like. I would have to eat certain parts of it so fast that it's a stomach ache AND a misdemeanor waiting to happen.

     Speaking of emojis, I will admit that I don't know which ones to use, and my reactions on Facebook are usually as inappropriate as they are in real life. The pictures appear so small that I can't really make out what they mean. Is this one laughing at the wrong time or crying on somebody's parade? They have so many different icons it's hard to even decide which one to send. Somebody posted that their Mom was in the hospital and I sent what I thought was a heart, but it turned out to be a half a salami. If you asked the Mom, I bet she would say she would rather have the half a salami than a bunch of hearts any day. There are a couple of emojis that they still haven't added yet, like my boss's boss, who makes a face like he is thinking SO hard that the phone in his office might spontaneously burst into flames. Or the face my cat used to make when he would sniff something really bad, and his face would stay like that for five minutes until he smelled something a little better or a little worse.

     Will you be my friend? I feel like Mr. Rogers asking you that, and it makes me want to take off my suit jacket and put on my sweater, and lace up my sneakers. I forgot to put on pants, I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. I know everybody loves Mr. Rogers, but even when I was a little kid I thought there was something weird about him, explaining everything so damn slowly as if I was a little kid. He seemed like exactly the kind of guy who would offer me candy to get into the car with him. My Mom said absolutely NO getting into the car with strangers. My Dad seemed to encourage it. My main focus was, exactly what kind of candy? I'm not getting into anybody's car for "Good n' Plenty" or "Starbursts" or any crap like that, so actually just toss a "Take 5" bar out the passenger window and be on your way.

     So, I've been on for about a week now, and it's going okay, but I feel like I need that guy on the television commercials who tells you when you're acting like somebody's dad. I raise my hand for a question during the seminar: "If I tag somebody, they are technically 'it,' correct?" Major eye-roll from the instructor. "Also, if somebody likes what I just said I liked, should I like that, too?" Don't worry, I'll get the hang of this.