PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (11-18-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I hate the fact that even before Halloween, sometime after Labor Day, advertisers are already making you feel guilty for not getting moving on your Christmas shopping. I feel guilty enough that I'm a little late for last year's Christmas shopping. Even worse, important dates that are sandwiched in between are being lost in the shuffle. National Sandwich Day, for instance, which is celebrated November 3rd. 

     In prehistoric times man slapped a small stegosaurus in between two rocks for lunch, and although it provided traces of iron, didn't taste very good. The invention of mayonnaise was an improvement, and when numbers were discovered and seven ate nine, the development of the sandwich began in earnest.

     One story attributes the popularization of the modern sandwich to Lord John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich. Rumor had it that Montagu led something of a profligate lifestyle, and when gambling did not like to leave the table. He ordered his servant to bring him a snack that he could eat easily during the game, and he returned with some meat between two slices of bread. That way the Earl could hold the snack from the footman in one hand and his hand in the other hand. Thus the "sandwich" was born, although if the story is true it should have been called the "footwich" since it was the footman who thought of it. How many important innovations were invented while eating lunch during a poker game? I myself have terrible luck gambling and if it was me I would have lost the hand, my entire stake AND the sandwich, but at least I would have invented the stake sandwich. 

     Further along the historical timeline, in 2006, Massachusetts Superior Court Judge Jeffery Locke ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich. I could have told you that and I would have charged a lot less, but nobody ever tried to tell me that a burrito WAS a sandwich. The boundaries of what is called a "sandwich" are being stretched all the time. I read that at the Budapest Burger King they didn't understand the concept of a "veggie burger," and would serve you two slices of tomato and some lettuce on a bun. In their defense, I don't understand the concept either.

     Some restaurants put whatever they want in between two pieces of whatever they want and add "wich" to the title, as if "wich" means "two pieces of whatever they want." Americans love to butcher language that way. Decades ago a scandal occurred at the Watergate Hotel, and now it's common practice to add "gate" to any word, so that everybody knows it's a scandal. And ever since the "alcoholic" came to describe compulsive drinkers, you can now add "oholic" to any compulsive behavior, as though "work-oholics" are addicted to "work-ohol."

     An astute reader named Tom wrote me and suggested that I single out and possibly embarrass the olive loaf, which I will be happy to do. There are some things I would never even try, based on the name alone, and olive loaf is one of them. Tongue is another; why would I ever try tasting something that could taste me back? I could run the risk of liking it much less than it likes me, and then what? Another is corned beef. I love corn and I love beef, but if they want to get together, let them get their own house- while they're under my roof they'll live by my rules.

     I have some strict opinions about sandwiches, which I would be surprised if you were surprised by. I like my ham so thinly sliced that you can see through it. If the guy at the deli slicer holds it up, looks through it and says, "Oh. You're still here, I guess," then I tell him to wrap me up three fifths of a pound, and we can all see how well he did on his math SAT. I like lots of mayonnaise, some Swiss cheese and I eat it on a toasted English muffin so crunchy that it makes a big mess all over the poker table and even the Earl of Sandwich wouldn't invite me back. 

     John Montagu achieved the title of Postmaster General, First Lord of the Admiralty and Secretary of State. And yet he will probably be forever best remembered for being hungry while winning big. If I had been there at the time I might have asked for some chips to go with the sandwich. And then I would have been forever best remembered for inventing the poker chip, instead of being remembered for what I probably will be remembered for, which is about 20 minutes or so.