SCORPIO CELEBRATIONS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-02-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     My wife has one of the zillions of mid-November birthdays, and if you have one too, you can probably thank your elementary school teacher. Why, you ask? Because nine months prior to mid-November is mid-February, and that's when Valentine's Day works its insidious magic. I had a crush on Mrs. Franz, my third grade teacher, and I was making her a very special card, with a heart and red glitter on it which I affixed with paste. So much paste that I pasted the card to the desk and it might still be there, and I was about to start over when I heard her say that we had to make one for everyone in the class.

     I had no time for romance because I had to mass-produce about 20 of those damn cards without pasting my eyelids together. So when you wish your November baby a happy birthday, remember that they probably got their start on one of those fateful Valentine's Day evenings, and it all began with some red construction paper and glitter.

     Anyway, we celebrated the event with my other November birthday friend Phil and his girlfriend Athina for the weekend at a lovely inn called Buttermilk Falls in Milton, New York. Thankfully they chose the accommodations, because I usually pick a place where people tend not to holiday at so much as hole up in, after committing a felonious act or two while on parole. We passed a place along the way called "Budget Inn" which I could have budgeted right in between a tank of gas and a pack of Slim Jims, but it sure is nice to stay at a place once in a while that doesn't have any duct tape visible in the room that isn't being used specifically for ducts.

     There is a resident farm there, and the grounds are host to a small herd of alpacas formerly owned by the granddaughter of department store tycoon John Nordstrom. An alpaca is similar to a llama, but smaller in size and less prone to spitting, but more likely to smoke. In the word "llama" the first "l" is silent, like the second "a" in "aardvark," which also has an "l" that is not only silent, but also invisible. The English language is a mystery that is often better solved after several cocktails.

     There were a few goats on the farm who were quite friendly, and if I had brought  a deck of cards with me and a six pack of beer I would have hung out with them longer. There is also an aviary with peacocks, hens and roosters, and an apiary with bees flying around. They are free to come and go as they please, so don't go walking around with your pistil hanging out if you're not in a flirtatious mood. Any one of these would have made a great car insurance spokes-animal, but my wife was most excited of all when she saw a house cat. Maybe someday they could add a cat-iary. We strolled around making friends for a good long while.

     There is a great restaurant on the premises, one I also probably wouldn't have chosen if left to my own devices. Even though the food is always really good at a good restaurant, I have to look around to make sure nobody is snapping a picture at the exact moment when I get the bill because I'm probably making the same face I make when Joe Namath pops up on a Medicare Advantage policy commercial. I'll admit it was worth it.

     There is a spa there, and you can treat yourself to a massage overlooking the majestic Hudson River if you like. I can't get a massage because I'm so ticklish that masseurs find it insulting to work on me. A masseur would really have to try and hurt me to get me to stop laughing, and I guess that would run counter to his professional ethic. My friends say, why don't you indulge yourself? Even though they know how self-indulgent I already am. Even if I wasn't ticklish, I heard what they do at the spa, putting hot oils and stones on you, and chemical peels and waxing. How far is water-boarding from that? Do they expect me to talk? All they have to do is ask me not to talk.

     So if you have a birthday coming up, give me a call and I'll take you on a wonderful weekend getaway. I'll choose the accommodations. Are you familiar with the Bates Motel? It's a fine establishment with plenty of wildlife right in the room. WiFi is free if you know how to hack. There is a racoon-iary by the waste bins and to use the whirlpool tub just lift the seat. I can't wait to see your face on your special day!