2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 01-06-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     This week I'm back to expose the rest of the lesser known stories of the past year. I'm going to strip them down to their bare essentials and bring you just the naked facts. And now I'm exhausted and need a cigarette, even though I don't smoke.

EXTREME WEATHER CAUSES 'HAIRY PANIC'
     A severe windstorm last winter caused an Australian suburb to become buried in huge drifts of tumbleweeds, making the town of Hillside in the state of Victoria a grassy mess. Known locally as the "hairy panic," the weeds accumulated high enough to prevent some homeowners from being able to open their front doors. I picture the scene to look something like Sean Connery's back. I don't know how they plan to make the unkempt area kempt again, but I imagine that they're hoping a few tons of wax blows in next.

HUMAN-COMPOSTING FUNERAL HOME OPENS
     Last January in Kent, Washington, Recompense opened as the first-of-its-kind human-composting funeral home in the U.S. In at least 30 days the resulting soil is tested for pathogens and available for use. It's just another after-life option for those whom you love very mulch. I never thought my final resting place might be a flower bed, but if I'm pushing up daisies anyway, they might as well look damned good. We have a compost pile in the woods, where I put things like corncobs, coffee grounds, VCRs and jokes about stuff I'm not allowed to make fun of anymore. I don't go out there much when I'm alive, and I expect to leave it at that. There are weeds growing on top of the pile, and they really seem to appreciate my efforts. If any of this compost causes the proliferation of tumbleweeds, the residents of Hillside, Australia are not going to be pleased.

AIRBAG JEANS IN PROTOTYPE FOR MOTORCYCLISTS
     As if I weren't already full of hot air, a company called Mo'cycle is working on a pair of jeans that contain airbags which run down the inseam and detonate upon impact during an accident. I'm a motorcycle rider myself, and if I have an accident in my pants that results in an explosion of air, then, well you go ahead and finish the joke, this one's on me.

MOSQUITOES RELEASED IN FLORIDA KEYS
     The first group of genetically engineered non-biting mosquitoes were released in the Florida Keys in April, to help control the Zika and other viruses. These male mosquitoes mate with the disease-carrying females and pass on a lethal gene that causes the death of the offspring and controls the population. Whoever got it in their head that non-biting males would ever mate with biting females should immediately clear his internet browser history. What the article fails to mention is exactly where the mosquitoes were being released from. What were they in for? Are they out on good behavior? Remember that for a mosquito a slap on the wrist amounts to a death sentence.

INDIAN MAN KILLED BY OWN ROOSTER DURING COCKFIGHT
     In February a New Delhi man who had fitted his rooster with a small knife on his way to an illegal competition died of blood loss when the bird tried to escape and inflicted lethal wounds to his groin area. While this seems like a case of instant justice, it's a vivid example of the old adage: Never bring a cock to a knife fight.

     And that's the year in review. I'd like to wish everyone a healthy and happy 2022. I'd also like to thank those of you who read my column this year. I cherish the opportunity to make some of you laugh without having to let you watch me ski. For those of you who don't read my column, now is the perfect time to talk behind your back, and I must say that hairstyle makes you look 10 years older. And don't bother saying the same thing about me, I already know my hairstyle makes you look 10 years older.