IN WITH A WHIMPER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-20-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Well, 2021 went out with a bang when I kicked it through the back door with my foot. I was not sorry to see it go. But 2022 tiptoed in quietly at 12:00 midnight as if its curfew was at 10:00 and it was trying not to wake up its parents. Due to the resurgence of the pandemic, the blur of activity usually surrounding New Year's Eve was idling in the garage in "park." Gatherings of one person or less were recommended by most authorities. If you got together with three people, at least two of them were required to be boring.

     I still can't believe I spent New Year's Eve at home for the first time in at least 45 years. I'm not sure who to blame for this, but I have a few ideas. I would normally attend a party, and if no one invites me to a party, I might go to one that no one specifically told me to avoid.  I remember when I was about 13 or so and stayed all the way up to watch the festivities on television with my family, and the ball dropped in Times Square and they sang "Auld Lang Syne" and I remembered thinking, this is a stupid song. Why should old acquaintances be forgotten? Then my folks said I could have some champagne and I forgot most of my old acquaintances anyway. At that age acquaintances weren't old enough for me to miss them much.

     Many people didn't want to fly anywhere to celebrate the occasion, and I don't blame them. Even birds aren't flying right now unless they absolutely have to. Air travel was already an abject annoyance to me even before the pandemic, and it seems like only people that you'd never agree to spend four hours with are in airplanes right now. There are braindead heroes starting fights in the cabin because they don't want to wear a mask to prevent them from coughing their covid all over my tiny little pillow. Come think of it, I don't think we should have to wear seat belts either, and I can't see anything out the window with that big ugly wing sitting there in my way. Okay? 

     Also, I'm a bit of a backseat driver, and I think that the pilot's intercom should be two-way, so I can let him know how I think he's driving. He already introduced himself so I go ahead and introduce myself too. "Pilot Bill, may I call you William? It's super hot where I am- I think we're flying too close to the sun. I happen to know another way to Europe if you're interested." Someone's been in the bathroom for 45 minutes and I bet he has the Sunday crossword puzzle. I'd like to get up and walk around but where would I go? "Hey Pilot William, you got a second? It's Passenger Rickster again. I know you're busy, but the stewardess says we're out of peanuts, and I'm guessing you have a secret stash in there. I have three bags of pretzels, and I'll trade the three pretzels for one peanut. This is a limited-time offer. Tell the co-pilot also."

     We watched a Columbo marathon all day on television until it was the cocktail hour, which we moved up into the dinner slot (we had moved dinner into lunch). I knew right away who committed the murder, because I'm a bit of a crime-solving genius. I told my wife, "Jack Cassidy did it. I'll bet you 20 bucks." "He's not even in this one. It's Patrick McGoohan, they already showed him killing the guy," she said. "I still think it's Jack Cassidy, and if Robert Culp turns up, I bet you 20 bucks all three of them kill each other." I was out about 80 bucks before Columbo even scratched his head once. 

     We got all dressed up for the occasion, just the two of us, and even our dog had on a beautiful fur coat. I had on a turtleneck and a blazer. I even put one of my contact lenses in so I could optimistically see half the glass as full for the new year. Everyone would have said I looked great, and I would have lied and told them they looked great too. I definitely looked better than Columbo but not as good as Jack Cassidy.

     If we had gone out to one of those fancy prix fixe dinners it would have cost me about 300 bucks, and I would have made fun of things all night like foie gras, that I would never eat in a million years, and my wife would have told me what I was missing out on and that I might as well order pizza at home. So this year we ordered pizza at home. The pizza was good, but I had nothing to make fun of, and I had to try and carry on a normal conversation. You know what? I just realized, maybe THAT should be my New Year's resolution. To order more pizza at home.