I'M DATING PETE DAVIDSON

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-27-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I'm not really dating Pete Davidson, but the odds are pretty good that YOU will, if you haven't already. If I WERE dating Pete Davidson, I would have to ask WHY I was doing that, since I'm a happily married heterosexual male. But what if I put myself in a woman's shoes for a little while? A woman who was single, probably high-profile and wore a size 11-and-a-half shoe?

     In a relatively short space of time, Pete Davidson has dated some of the most gorgeous and successful female celebrities of our time: Ariana Grande, Larry David's daughter Cazzie David, Andie MacDowell's daughter Margaret Qualley, Cindy Crawford's daughter Kaia Gerber, Robert Kardashian's daughter Kim Kardashian, and Lily Mo Sheen's mother, Kate Beckinsale. Thank god he didn't have children with all these women or it would have broken Ancestry.com. And in every photo of the happy couple, she is looking well-dressed, well-kept and totally hot, and he's looking like he just said the word, "Yup!"

     What do these women see in him? Is it the ink? Pete Davidson has about 100 tattoos, which might well be enough for me to call off our date. To me, a tattoo is just a splotchy blot on your body which, if it grew there naturally, you'd probably pay $4,000 dollars to have removed. Most people I know who have tattoos tell me theirs is something so very special that they like to be reminded of it often, something like the preamble to the constitution or their kids' names. Davidson's tattoos are of Hillary Clinton, a shark, a Pacman, a skull with a brain on top, a ghost with its tongue sticking out and other things that are so special to him that if he wants to be reminded of them he'll need to remove his shirt, stand in front of a mirror and read them backwards over his shoulder.

     Women often say that they love a guy with a sense of humor, and Pete Davidson IS a comedian. So why do Pete's relationships Peter out after an average shelf life of less than four months? Surely he must have more than four month's worth of material. I like a girl with a good sense of humor too, and if she laughs at my jokes I can safely assume she doesn't have one.

     Since his relationships don't seem to last, it may just be that he doesn't know how to talk to women. I've watched a lot of noir movies, and I've learned a few things. Trust me, pick a dramatic moment such as just after you order pizza, grab her by both elbows for emphasis and say this to her: "Listen, sweetheart, you got yourself a dimestore Romeo, and I got myself the Queen of Hearts. You flipped a coin and it came up heads AND tails. The whole package, baby, and it came C.O.D. Any other dame would have run for the door like a fire drill in a Dutch shoe factory. But you stuck it out. You stuck with me like scales on a mackerel and I love you for it. It's been three weeks and I love you more now than I did a week and a half ago." Use a Humphrey Bogart accent for heightened effect, and don't say anything else until the pizza comes. You can thank me later. If Pete Davidson didn't know enough to say something like that to Kate Beckinsale I can see why she left him.

     One of his old girlfriends said something to the effect that no one can believe women are attracted to Pete Davidson, but maybe he just has a really great personality (she didn't say he actually did). First of all, I'm tired of women judging men on shallow details like our personalities. Second, women are often judged on their appearance, whereas men can be "rugged," "chiseled" or "sturdy" and still be considered attractive. I myself have been described as, "looking like he could use a going over with a sheet of medium-grit sandpaper," which in some cultures ain't too bad.

     But I was no Pete Davidson in my single days, and my dating life in high school had a certain downward spiral to it. I'm a little bit shy, and things might progress pretty well for a couple weeks until I felt comfortable enough to open up and let my natural charm out. That's usually what spelled doom for the relationship since there was no way to get it back in. But models and actresses? Those kind of women wouldn't give me the time of day. But I showed them, didn't I? Bought myself a watch.