LOVE IN THE LIMELIGHT

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-26-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     They say that celebrities are just like you and me. Assuming that you and me are attention-craving narcissistic millionaires, of course. And I don't mean that in a bad way like I would if I was talking about politicians. Celebrities are entertainers; they're contractually obligated to entertain us. And the weirder and more dysfunctional their lives are, the more entertaining it is. Just imagine what would happen if you got two of these eccentric egomaniacs, stuck them in a romantically-charged relationship, added a dash of Tabasco sauce and set the household to "puree?" Well, we don't have to imagine anymore, now that we have the trial of Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard. 

     It's a rare glimpse into the private lives of people who have more fame, more money and more free time than they know what to do with. If they knew what to do with it, they surely wouldn't do THIS. In a nutshell, Amber accused Johnny of domestic violence in a magazine article, and now Johnny is suing Amber for $50 million due to lost acting jobs, and Amber is counter-suing Johnny for another $100 million. Movie directors who didn't hire him will probably sue both of them for the money they wouldn't have saved had the article never been published. By the way, if you'd like to see that and raise another $50 million, I call. Just picturing Amber in that nutshell is bad enough, but there are so many other weird things that came out during the proceedings that it makes me wonder if we need to bother with putting them in movies, and just air their dirty laundry. 

     The trial is a perfect chance to study courtroom tactics. One such maneuver is known as "DARVO," whereby the one being accused first Denies the behavior, and if that doesn't work, Attacks the victim, sometimes accusing them of something even worse, and as a last resort, Reverses the roles of Victim and Offender, so that juries might be more sympathetic. To whom I'm not sure because I lost track. In this case the details are so sordid and lurid that the real victims seem to be the jurors. Celebrities can turn a motive of self-defense into self-offense before anyone can even evaluate if that was good or bad for the case. 

     Each party has their own psychological expert of course, to make up and then identify an appropriate label for each others' goofy behavior. Each of them used the term "borderline personality disorder" to describe the behavior of the other, so there's no telling where the actual borders are. If I were living with either of them I'd want a little dotted line like on a map, showing where my personality begins, and your personality should just stay on its own side.

     This is hardly the first pair of poisonous paramours. Remember Elizabeth Taylor? She was married 8 times, twice to Richard Burton. Did she not even remember how lousy it went the first time? I tried pineapple pizza a year after my first one to find out if I still hated it. I did, but I didn't have to pay it alimony. Remember when Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton, and they were rumored to have worn vials of each others' blood around their necks? What about Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly drinking each other's blood to commemorate their engagement? If they invite you to a party and somebody comes over to fill your champagne glass, just say you topped off already at the Red Cross tent.

     Pete Davidson has a tattoo of every woman he ever dated, which leaves little room for other important works of art. If I was Kate Beckinsale and I really liked Pete Davidson, why would I break up with him other than because he put my tattoo in a place that's prone to acne and unwanted hair? By the way, I hear that the tattoo of Ariana and the tattoo of Kim are NOT getting along and may need to be separated by a tattoo of a mediator.

     I know some couples who seem to thrive on constant bickering, so maybe celebrities are a lot more like us than I thought. Breaking up should be much easier to do if you really truly hate each other, but I guess most men are afraid to break up, and think that their ex might be rebounding with the "My Pillow" guy. I admit I don't like a whole lot of drama, and I can't even think of our last fight. Here was a "debate" we had: My wife said I'm THROWING OUT that turntable that's been sitting in the garage, and I said You're NOT throwing that out, how am I going to play all those records that are sitting in the garage? She didn't even say anything because she knew I was right, so I won that one, although I haven't seen the turntable in about a year. The records either, come to think of it.