TERMS AND CONDITIONS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-02-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Look, I know you're going to laugh at me, ridicule me and call me names. I've been called so many names that people sometimes use a first name, a last name and even a middle name. And the reason you'll probably make fun of me is that I almost never use my cell phone, and I like it that way. Usually it has been more time-consuming to learn how to live in the smart phone culture than to just do things the way I always have in Mesozoic Era. Also, I hate the idea of living a one-dimensional life through a tiny little box. I like to turn on the TV and feel powerful pointing the remote control mute button at "cute" little kids on public service charity ads. I like to read a book, lose my bookmark and not remember where I was. I like to use a real camera and incorrectly adjust the F-stop. I like to pick up a newspaper, read a little bit of it, then swat a bug with it and say, "THERE- the news is worse for YOU for a change."

     But in order to be more aligned with the annoying real world, I recently got a new phone. The guy at the phone store helped me out. "I'm not very good with cell phones," I admitted. "I tried to answer my wife's phone and couldn't figure out how." "Did you swipe it?" He asked. I said, "No, I just borrowed it." He typed away at his computer. "Do you have a plan?" He asked. I said, "Yes, of course I do." He pressed, "Which one?" I had never been asked this before. I said, "Well, first I think we need to address global warming, and during the winter, global cooling. Once we get the temperature just right-" Turns out he was talking about a data plan. "Do you have contacts?" He asked. I said, "Yes but just for reading, distance, and reading at a distance." He meant phone contacts, he was going to transfer them to my new phone, where they could do even more harm than before.

     My new phone has a feature where you can sign in using your fingerprint. It's perfect, since I'm already used to signing in that way down at the police station. But what if somebody else has stolen my fingerprints? Can I set my phone up to do a quick DNA test to make sure I'm really me? Instead I set the phone up using my toe print- no one would be dumb enough to go to those lengths.

     It was becoming apparent that I had no idea how to use the phone. There are no instruction books any more. If you have a question, such as "how the hell does this work?" you have to go and join the online community, and if anyone knows they answer they'll sort of tell you. I'm reluctant to burden the community with my problems. I want them to always think of me in the best light and perhaps erect a statue in my honor next to the post office. Plus, if I ask too many questions I'll probably have to "give back to the community."

     On my laptop I hover over an icon and a label pops up to tell me what it does, but they apparently didn't think of that when they designed the phone. So I keep trying different ones until a message flashes on the screen that says, "ALL IMPORTANT INFORMATION NOW DELETED." There is no message that says, "Are you sure you want to do this?" (Ordinarily I hit the "yes" box.) And then a new message comes up: "Maybe you want to check with someone smarter first?" (I hit the "no" box.) "Do you remember what happened the last time you did this?" (I hit the "was it necessary to remind me of that?" box.)

     I'm 6-foot-two and I have big dumb fingers that were not meant to perform delicate tasks like diamond cutting, assembling semiconductor micro-processors or typing text messages on a tiny phone keypad. Instead, I wanted to use the little microphone icon so that I can just tell you my text out loud, and when you read it you can transpose it in your head back into my voice so you can hear it. If there's a stranger listening in I add the sentence, "...And the cops aren't going to know where the body is unless they find this phone." So just disregard that part of my text message to you. But when I tried to use the microphone, a notification notified me that my permissions weren't set correctly. So I had to figure out who I needed permission from. My parents aren't here anymore, and that's whose name I would usually use to forge a permission slip at school. "Please excuse Rick from doing anything that includes math today. Take it from our experience, this can be time-consuming for the entire class, and in the end, of no long-term benefit to any of the parties concerned. Trigonometrically yours, Rick's Parents."

    I'd love to chat more but I have to finish reading the "Terms and Conditions," which clearly state that the terms and conditions agreed upon in the "Terms and Conditions" are conditionally agreed upon under the terms required by those outlined in the "Terms and Conditions."