PICK YOUR POISON

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-07-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     As the population of the world expands and humans encroach upon the natural habitats of all kinds of animals and insects, we take on certain inherent risks. On the football field the penalty for encroachment is five yards, but in real life, it could be death. Just imagine that you are a family of alligators, living in the swamp for years and years, and a young human couple builds a house right next door. They are constantly showing off, walking around on two legs and smiling with their itty-bitty pathetic teeth. Finally the wife alligator says, "You know, they've been here a week- maybe we should have them for dinner." This is how misunderstandings start in the neighborhood.

     Just this last week a man was killed in South Carolina when an alligator dragged him into a retention pond. Part of my job is a journalist is to try and make the world a safer place. And before you go looking up the definition of the word "journalist," I'm going to share some tips with you that may save your life, if your retention is better than that of the average pond. One thing that you may not know is that alligator mating season runs from April through June, and that's a good time not to be a third wheel. Unprovoked attacks are very rare, say authorities, but an alligator's criteria for provocation may be different from yours. To be on the safe side, avoid insensitive comments about the length of their noses.

     Here in the Northeast it's no less dangerous. We were bicycling on a trail in New Jersey, and somebody said that they saw a rattlesnake. If you are bitten by one, try to position yourself so that your heart is above the wound, and wash it with soap and water. Do not apply a tourniquet, ice or drink alcohol. Remain calm and still so as not to spread the venom, and call 911. You should try to remember what the snake looked like, even if it was disguised with a fake moustache and glasses.

     Do not try to suck the poison out of the snakebite, and I've been telling most people that (I told Trump that I didn't share the information with him on purpose, but I heard it from an unimpeachable source, ha ha, and he said very funny, and I said, don't get your hackles up, if you even have hackles, it wasn't a real snake anyway, and he said yeah, but what about the poison, and I said I'll let you know in about an hour, ha ha, and he said very funny again- Trump and I have that kind of relationship).

     One relatively recent factor that has driven up the rate of dangerous encounters is the advent of social media. Everyone wants that signature Facebook photo that no one else has. "Look how close I got to this lion on safari! You can't hide your lion eyes! And here is one of me on life support at Nairobi Hospital!" Don't be surprised if the lion has his own account. You know how Facebook users are always taking pictures of their food? You should slowly back away from the lion while maintaining eye contact.

     During a bear encounter, you're not supposed to play dead. You should make as much movement as you can, while backing away. I would suggest that you do whatever you normally do in front of one of those motion-activated paper towel dispensers that never works in a public restroom. I usually perform the "warehouse scene" from "Footloose," and after I've finished drying my hands on my pants two paper towels come out along with a noise that sounds like a laugh. If there is anyone in the restroom while I'm doing that they are usually playing dead or backing away slowly.

     The brown recluse spider is poisonous, and if you are bitten by one you should seek immediate medical treatment, such as anti-venom. If the spider is armed it could be much worse, since spiders have eight arms. If I'm bitten I ask the spider if he wouldn't mind sucking the poison out of the bite before he leaves- we have that kind of relationship.

     My wife said that she has seen a different bug in her bathroom each day for the last week, which is not surprising because I enrolled her in the "Bug of the Month Club." She said she saw a centipede, then a millipede, and I said, "Hold it right there, you counted?" Naturally we haven't seen one carpenter ant, they won't even return my calls. Today it was a silverfish in the shower. Because I'm the man of the house I'm expected to dispose of it, no matter how much of a champion I am for women's equality. The last time I saw that bug it was looking a little flushed....