SHORE POINTS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-28-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     When I reach a certain point sometime after June has been laid to bed with some warm milk, it starts to feel like the summer has not really been put to the test. That's when it's time to head to the Jersey Shore. We chose Wildwood for a long weekend, because if the name of the town already has the word "wild" in it, I feel like we have a head start.

     We were running low on gas about halfway down the Garden State, so we pulled off the parkway into the Jon Bon Jovi Service Area. I was not sure exactly what services Jon Bon Jovi might provide, but if he offers, I'll ask that he fill my tank with regular, fill my oil pan with 10W 40 synthetic, and fill my heart with song. I'll let him know that we're headed to Wildwood, and... "We're halfway there!" (maybe he'll sing that part with me). And I don't want to start any bad blood or anything, but the next time I run into Bruce Springsteen I'm going to casually drop into the conversation that Bon Jovi has his own service area, and see what he says. I doubt I'll be the first person to mention that the highway's jammed with broken heroes and they're all stopping at Bon Jovi's service area.

     Back on the road, I checked the ETA on the GPS, which said 5:00PM. When I looked a half-hour later, the arrival time was 5:30. In moments like these it seems like they keep moving my destination farther away when I'm not looking, and I feel that maybe the Earth isn't really round at all, maybe its elliptical or something. And don't call me a conspiracy theorist, because so far I haven't found anyone else to conspire with me on that idea.

     We rolled into town and unhooked our bicycles to pound the sidewalks looking for a place to eat. I can manage to drive my wife nuts by stopping at each place, taking a look at the menu and then convincing her that there's someplace better close by. After we finally settle on a place that's no better she confesses that she was never really convinced. 

     After dinner we went out to take in some live music, which is plentiful at the shore. A good band makes everything more festive. Even a bad band playing good music is better than a DJ playing bad music. Some groups take a lazier trajectory than the work ethic I'm used to as a musician. The band we saw only did half of each song, and right before the guitar solo they were off to the next one. It certainly saved them money on a lead guitarist. They didn't bother with a keyboard player either, and when the piano part came up they had it on a pre-recorded track. And when the key change in "Living on a Prayer" rolled around, they just held the mike out to the audience and said, here- YOU sing it. Any dude who can sing that high should get a service area named after them.

     The next day we found a good old-fashioned diner for breakfast. Service is slow everywhere these days. The pandemic, the "Great Resignation," the Ukraine war and other factors have contributed to a shortage of help. Issues with the supply chain have prevented workers from being supplied I guess. There is always a "Now Hiring" sign up, and I thought it might actually be quicker if I filled out an application, punched the time clock, made two orders of pancakes and then quit just after I got my tip and right before I sat down to eat.

     I'm tipping a little more these days, even though smoke comes out of the top of my head because of the extra math. I take the total on the bill, move the decimal point one place to the left, then divide that number in half and divide it in half again and add both numbers to the first number and then add the whole thing to the bill. It came out to over $7,000 dollars so I had to start again. This time I didn't "carry the one," I let it get there by itself. I'm so used to just leaving 15 percent. I always understood that a tip was meant for exemplary service, like whatever would normally qualify for the Congressional Medal of Honor. Nowadays, if somebody comes to fill my water glass I get misty-eyed with gratitude. 

     We hung out at the amusement pier for the afternoon, and my advice is that it's better to take a short walk off a long pier than the other way around. We hung out at the water park, which was exhausting, not because we were so active, but because watching other peoples' little kids is almost as tiring as having your own. How many times do I have to tell you, when you're at the pool, WALK, don't RUN. Some kids looked like they were having too much fun, and I had to restrain myself from telling them to tone it down. Kids, you have a whole lifetime of fun at the shore ahead of you, so don't use it up all at once.