HOUSE RULES

 ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-30-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I love a weekend at the Jersey Shore, and if you go before the season sets in and starts to fester, you'll avoid the massive traffic jams on the Garden State Parkway. Now that "Juneteenth" is a three-day holiday weekend, you can expect massive traffic jams on the Garden State Parkway. Unless you leave somewhere around "June-tweenth." I'm going to design an app called "My Garden State Parkway Experience," similar to what they have at Disney World. You sign up for the time you want to be on the road, and if there are slots available, you're in business. I was going to call the app "Fast Pass," but the only thing that passes fast in holiday traffic is time. I while away the hours by trying to prevent people from overtaking me while we're all inching along. If they get ahead of me, I'm only going to have to wait for them on the ice cream line when we finally get to the shore.

     Our destination was Atlantic City, the REAL city that never sleeps. New York is a great town, but it is in bed early these days. A casino always has enough food and drinks nearby, any time of day or night, so that you can pull on the slot machine handle with one hand while you sign your check with the other.

     Which brings me to this new trend: every time you use a credit card now there's a three percent surcharge. Think of all the things you could buy if you took all those three percents and added them together. Whatever you buy with the money you saved, don't use your credit card or we'll have to start over. These days I carry a big wad of cash around as if I'm trying to impress you. Now that I've impressed you with the fact that I'm too cheap to pay three percent, let's go bicycling on the boardwalk!

     Five and a half miles, and NO hills, what's not to like? Safety first, so let's go through the rules posted on signs: "Be Prepared To Stop." I would add to that, "Be Prepared For The Fact That I'm Probably Not Paying Attention And Might Not Stop." Next, there is a picture of an animal with a red circle and line drawn through it. The animal looks like a sheep, but it probably was supposed to be a dog. I wouldn't bring a sheep, a dog or a sheepdog onto the boardwalk if I wanted to play it safe. There is "No Picnicing" allowed (not how I would spell it). What qualifies a bona fide picnic? Does it mean more than one person? What if I'm a few sandwiches short of a picnic? This seems like a dumb rule, so I draw a red circle with a line through it, expressly prohibiting the banning of picnics. What if it's just me, a sandwich and an open fire? Another rule is, "No Open Fires." Once you open one, it's hard to get it closed again. 

     We're ready to roll. We'll pass by all the properties on the 1935 "Monopoly" game board, the avenues named after U.S. states and color-coded based on rent values. Even after all these years there are still some raw wounds over on Connecticut Avenue. "Does this look like a light blue section of town to you? Why don't you take a ride over to South Carolina and see what goes on there if you want to see a hell-hole?"

     Now it's time to dip your toes in the water. Atlantic City beaches are free, but despite all this talk about global warming, the water temperature at the shore was noticeably colder than the ice machine on the 6th floor. Instead, we went to the indoor pool for a pleasant afternoon swim before heading over to the marina for a cocktail. When we got there the pool was brimming with small children who, in spite of being only 2-3 feet away from each other, emitted a series of ear-piercing shrieks that was possibly a special modified Morse code. This enabled them to communicate transcending the barriers of language. Eventually they settled on a game of "Marco Polo" that was so deafeningly loud that if they had been playing in his pool, I could understand why the explorer left a perfectly comfortable Venice to sail all the way to China.

     We set out in search of something quieter, like an earthquake. We bicycled across to the bay side, where there are a few more casino hotels. There aren't a whole lot of bike lanes in Atlantic City yet, so you have to share the road, and people in cars tend to share the road like I share chocolate. But once settled into the casino tiki bar, after three bloody Marys, it was quiet, relaxing and mood-fortifying. I didn't even mind that when the check came I had to pay an extra three percent to use my credit card. The house always wins.