ONE-LEGGED TURKEY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-08-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     How was your Thanksgiving? People ask that all the time, and what they want to know is, how bad did you fight with your relatives? I had a nice holiday, although due to circumstances beyond our control I was forced into the kitchen on one foot, where my basting was lambasted, my stuffing didn't have the right stuff, my mashed potatoes were bashed and even the turkey complained about where I took its temperature. Finally I was told to just prepare the cranberry sauce and stay out of the way. I served it in the perfect shape of a tin can, you're welcome.

     We had a few of my sisters over for the big dinner, and we get along great for 90% of the day. There's never any talk of serving yams, green bean casserole or giblets, so we all agree on that. If the conversation ends up in the swamp of politics, we all agree on who brought it there. But eventually the board games come out, and that's when the gloves come off. Some people erroneously think that games are all about having fun, so eventually the competition filters down to me and my sister Kath, because we understand best that games are just a metaphor for survival in today's world.

     My strategy is to throw everything into the pot and see what simmers. That's also how I got kicked out of the kitchen earlier in the day. Kath's approach is to know all the rules, and tell me only the ones she thinks I need to know. This rivalry goes all the way back to our childhood, when we spent the hours that we should have been studying hidden in attic playing "Life" and "Careers." I had the vague suspicion that not doing my homework might affect my actual life and career, but I thought I might roll the dice and find out. I consider myself a pretty good sport because I don't care if I lose, as long as the other players don't win. I choose to remember that I used to win most of those games, and I choose to forget that Kath maintained a straight-A average while I graduated high school with a 1.7 grade-point average.

     We capped the holiday weekend off with a trip into Manhattan to see "A Prairie Home Companion," which is one of my favorite things to do this time of year. If you are a writer or a musician or both, and you can't find something to love in that show, there's something wrong with you. At my age there's usually something wrong with me anyway, so loving things rarely makes it worse. 

     Garrison Keillor was back onstage after a forced sabbatical during which he was dropped by his sponsoring radio network for "misconduct." I don't know much about a lot of things, but I do know that what goes on between two people is something NOBODY knows much about, which makes it hard to come to black-and-white conclusions. I also know is that "misconduct" sounds like something a maestro should be fired for.

     Anyway, the show hearkens back to the nostalgic days of radio comedy, complete with an old-fashioned sound-effects man. I would give anything to be in charge of sound-effects, but my wife thinks that I would be better suited to noise-effects. Either way I would welcome any excuse to do a little more hearkening.

     Afterwards at the restaurant I ordered veal saltimbocca, a tasty dish which means in Italian, "jumps into your mouth." It was true; I opened my mouth and it jumped right in, but I wish it would have waited until I cut it into a smaller piece. My mouth is open quite a lot, so it wasn't a particularly unusual occurrence.

     Now that I'm working with only one usable leg, I've benefited from the "Stevie Wonder Effect." There used to be a theory that because Stevie Wonder does not have the use of his eyes, all his other senses were heightened, and that's how he was able to excel in music. The theory doesn't account for the fact that Stevie Wonder has more talent in his pinky finger than most of us have in our whole body. Thank god he still has the use of his pinky finger. Anyway, it seems that since I can't use my right foot, all the other parts of my body are proving to be more useful and talented than they ever were before. For instance, I went up and down the stairs at the restaurant on my butt. Then I proceeded to drive home through midtown Manhattan using only my left foot, which as far as I know is neither illegal nor smart. I can't wait to see what else my left foot can do, not to mention my butt, and now I'm sorry that I did mention it.