2022: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-02-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
Folks, it's over a month into the new year, people are already doing dumb more things, and I'm not even finished with the dumb things we did last year. So let's get right to it: Part Two of the 2022 Year In Review. These are the stories that make fun of themselves, so I'll just use this time to do my taxes.

MAN FINDS 160 BURIED BOWLING BALLS BURIED AT HOME
A Michigan man doing a home renovation unearthed 160 bowling balls buried in the foundation of his rear stoop. It was either a case of someone repurposing factory rejects or really, really bad aim. Next time he goes bowling he will already have 159 spares, and if he decides to replace his gutters he could be in for even more surprises.

WOMAN LEAVES ONE-STAR REVIEW FOR RESORT AFTER CROCODILE DRAGS FRIEND INTO OCEAN
A woman vacationing in Mexico witnessed a crocodile drag one of her party into the surf, and with the help of her friends, rescued her. Amazingly, the victim is expected to make a full recovery, and even more amazingly, the guest still gave the resort a one-star review on TripAdvisor, possibly because of the unique water sports. The crocodile also gave the hotel only a one-star rating, citing the tasteless guests.

POISONOUS SEA SNAKES ARE TRYING TO MATE WITH SCUBA DIVERS
Olive sea snakes, a venomous species found in Australia that are are known to swim close to scuba divers, may not be exhibiting aggressive behavior. Instead, according to a study, they might be trying to put the moves on. Actions that occurred during peak breeding season, such as coiling around divers' limbs, were possibly simply “misdirected courtship responses,” according to the report. But were these amorous advances really misguided? When it comes to spending the rest of your life with a dangerous reptile or say, a relatively harmless but boring insurance claims adjuster, you can pick your poison. A group of largely ignored sea cucumbers was said to have found the entire discussion revolting.

BIDEN WHISKED AWAY FROM REPORTERS BY EASTER BUNNY
In April President Biden, hosting the White House Easter egg roll, began to ramble off-script in front of reporters about the withdrawal from Afghanistan. Before he could lay an egg an aide dressed as a giant Easter bunny started waving frantically to get his attention and siphon him off so he could blow a whistle to signal the start of another round of egg-related competition. Apparently it was determined that he had come within a hare's breath of saying something dumb.

WOMAN RELEASES BEE SWARM ON DEPUTIES
A Massachusetts woman who was being served an eviction notice unleashed hundreds of bees which attacked several deputies. She was immediately arrested as part of a sting operation.
The woman was wearing a bee-keeping suit, but not all bees are interested in being bee-kept, and the tactic seems a little like shooting a gun that points in all directions. She was charged with assault and battery, but the charges could have been upgraded had they been "murder bees," or even voluntary manslaughter bees.

ELECTRICAL OUTLET FOUND INSTALLED ON TRAFFIC LIGHT
In Florida, a fully functioning power outlet was found wired to the pole of a traffic signal.
The Fort Walton Beach Police were not amused, noted on their Facebook page that tampering with traffic lights is a felony, and threatened to unfriend anyone who did so. It seems like the action of someone who was regularly inconvenienced by trying to read in alternating green, red and yellow light. Or possibly a person who is intrigued by electric vehicles, but unclear as to exactly where they get their power.

FALLEN TREE TRAPS MAN IN GETTYSBURG PORTA-POTTY
A man was hospitalized after a downed tree crushed the portable toilet he was using at the Gettysburg historic site. EMS commented that situation could have been serious, but in reality, quite the opposite was true. The man was treated and released from his temporary Gettysburg address, a medical facility dedicated to the principle that people just trying to go to the bathroom shall not perish from this Earth.

And that's most of the important news from last year. Go forth with the understanding that you are now better-informed than you were five minutes ago, and five minutes from now, hopefully you'll have forgotten the whole thing.