ELECTRIC EELS AT ELECTRIC CITY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-09-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     My opinion is that you can spend a fun weekend just about anywhere, as long as you are willing to bring your own fun. People who expect magic at every turn are often in for life's little disappointments. But every town has at least a weekend's worth of great things to do if you take a few moments to look for them. We spent last weekend in Scranton, Pennsylvania, home of the fictional Dunder Mifflin Paper Company featured in the show, "The Office."

     There was evidence around town that they kind of miss Dunder Mifflin- there's an exhibit at the Steamtown Mall commemorating the show. We visited the Electric City Aquarium and Reptile Den, which is also inside the mall. Scranton is known as the Electric City because it was the first in America to have motor-driven cable cars. They would have been even more famous if anyone had thought to name a streetcar "Desire."

     The Aquarium was the perfect size and not too crowded on a Sunday, so that we could spend a little time with the animals. More time than we probably should have, because a good many of the amphibians and reptiles there are poisonous. It was not hard to find the coral snake or the Amazon milk frog, because the prettier the colors, the more poisonous they are. It's all part of nature's grand plan. If they were drab AND poisonous, who would want a serious relationship with them? I don't know why, but for some reason it made me remember those girls in high school with the gorgeous red hair, nice clothes and vivid smiles.

     Other animals there thrive by blending into their surroundings using natural camouflage. It took me a good five minutes to identify the Vietnamese mossy frog, but my wife insisted it was a rock. The Aquarium could save a bundle each year in food by having four or five tanks with rocks in them that look a little like frogs, and people like me could marvel at how motionless they can sit in order to lure their prey.

     In the next room was a rainforest section, home to Mort the bush baby, Quilliam the porcupine and Molasses the two-toed sloth. If you prefer a three-toed sloth, well, keep it away from the wood-working shop. There was an Asian water monitor, which is a huge lizard. I had assumed it was a nifty imported device to make sure you're not too wasteful in the restroom. I can imagine living in the rainforest and complaining how it was sunny for six days straight. Hey, I tell my crew, into each life a little sunshine must fall. I know: Rick, stop being such a bush baby.

     In one tank they had an alligator lizard, which sounds made up, but is a small reptile that coincidentally doesn't look that much like an alligator. I first heard about it in the song "Ventura Highway," where they sing a chorus about "alligator lizards in the air," and that's the number one reason why I take Route 118 instead if I'm headed out of Pasadena. This is off-topic but that band America had a lot of weird songs, like "Horse With No Name." I would have had that horse named by the second verse. It's a wonder they even named the song. And "Sister Golden Hair" surprise? Was she a nun? I don't like too many surprises where women are concerned.

     We were late for the shark feeding and the alligator feeding was at 2:00. By the way if there's an alligator feeding and you happen to be there and it's more like 3:00 or 3:15, I would start screaming loudly. Somebody might just be able to hear you over the toucans, which are louder than you would think and maintain a constant chatter worse than I do. There's also a "touch tank," which is like an underwater petting zoo, where you can see what stingrays and horseshoe crabs feel like, if you feel like it.     

We poked around the mall a bit more and left right near Mifflin Street. I was a big fan of "The Office," and I was sad to see it close just because people don't use paper anymore. In the morning I like to read the New York Times in actual newsprint. I don't have to scroll, I just look further down, and there it is: the rest of the story. You can read my column in a Halston Media paper, and then line your helmeted iguana tank with it when you're done. If he doesn't like my writing, he'll let you know.