2022- THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-26-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
I know it's a little late, but one of my new year's resolutions is not to be put off by putting things off. So here they are, the stories you can't live without, and I'm surprised you made it this far without them. It's the 2022 Year In Review, and I swear every one of these items is true, or my name isn't George Santos. And I'm not entirely sure it isn't, either.

WOMAN LINKED TO CRIME BY CHEETOS DUST
In Oklahoma a woman was arrested for an attempted home burglary because she left an empty bag of Cheetos at the scene, and orange residue on her teeth confirmed her involvement in the snack-jacking before she could try any cheese puff rough stuff. The occupants were home at the time and called 911 when they heard a crispety, crackly sound that can only mean that a crunchy crime was being committed. Nothing else of value was taken, but it does once again prove that Cheetos never prosper.

M&Ms CHARACTERS EVOLVING TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE
In order to "create a world where everyone feels they belong," M&Ms ads are now using characters that emphasize their sparkling personalities instead of their genders. For instance, the green M&M will now wear sneakers instead of high-heeled go-go boots, which I'm guessing will be empowering for her. The orange M&M's shoes will no longer remain untied, which was causing it undue angst, even more so than melting in somebody's mouth, not in their hand. The implications of candy footwear have been weighing heavily on the people at the Mars Wrigley company, when really, it's their hair and wardrobe that could use an update. On the other hand, if the world that you don't fit in involves pants that are all-of-a-sudden too small, then you might have M&Ms to blame.

CROCODILE JUMPS OUT OF ZOO VAN INTO FLORIDA TRAFFIC
A zoo in St. Augustine was transporting several crocodiles to another location when one of them popped out a window and onto busy Route A1A. Upon seeing the rampant reptile an astute citizen filmed the incident on his smartphone, because if you tried to tell people that you saw an alligator jump out of a moving vehicle they would tell you that sounds like a croc. Even after seeing the video I couldn't believe that any living being would jump out of a perfectly good van in order to get a closer view of Florda traffic. Before anyone could shed any crocodile tears, two female members of the zoo crew wrestled it back into the van and told the animal that while Florida highways can be fun, don't make a habitat of it.

CRISPR STARTUP WANTS TO RESURRECT THE WOOLLY MAMMOTH
A company called Colossal has raised $15 million to genetically modify Indian elephants using gene-editing technology, with the eventual goal of bringing back the long-extinct woolly mammoth. Their first order of business will be to create a hybrid animal that withstands the cold weather of the tundra, a sort of a "mammo-poo," if you will, and I certainly don't know why you would. I got very excited when I first saw this story because I thought CRISPR was a new cereal. When I read that it was a company trying to resurrect the woolly mammoth I thought, why bring back something that could kill me without even knowing it? Why not resurrect something less itchy, like the McDonald's hot apple pie or the Plymouth Barracuda?

MAN RETURNS FROM SHOPPING TO FIND 15,000 BEES IN HIS CAR
Just when you thought that downtown parking was hard enough, you should know that a New Mexico man returned from grocery shopping to find 15,000 bees massed in his car. The only thing worse than that would be to find say, 15,000 televangelists in your car. He was absolutely crestfallen, because he had JUST bought two jars of honey. I would have figured that the person who counted all of those bees was eventually killed, but there were no major injuries reported, since one of the responding officers happened to be a beekeeper and possibly recognized some of them. I'm not allergic to bees, but I always thought it ironic if a bee sting could cause you to break out in hives.

If these stories were not quite enough, stay tuned for Part II next week. And if that's not quite enough for you, perhaps your medication levels are too high.