IN ONE EAR

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-20-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic                                                                                                   

     I admit I am a creature of habit. Some of them bad, like drowning out the television dialogue by replacing it with my own, which is usually worse but oddly enough sometimes better. Or complaining about the same things over and over, but in my defense, the things I complain about are lousy over and over. Some of my habits are good, like visiting the dentist twice a year, or eating my vegetables, twice a year. I'm also a nocturnal creature of habit, and I sometimes venture out to a local cocktail lounge, to see if there are any cocktails lounging there.

     I believe that so much can be learned from people-watching at a bar, that you hardly even need to go to the zoo to learn about human nature. If you observe party animals in their natural habitat you'll see that they have the same impulses and behavioral quirks as any other species.

     As I was making these observations I noticed something shiny on the floor which turned out to be a gold hoop earring. I thought, well, all I have to do is find a girl with one hoop in her ear. And if you say that fast in a noisy bar, you'd better be sure it got heard exactly the way you said it (try it if you don't believe me). This was almost like a modern-day "Cinderella," only without the balls. My current surroundings would have to do. In the story Prince Charming stages a royal dance to find himself a princess who is equally as charming, and he's making time with a girl who wears glass slippers ignoring the obvious dangers plus everyone can see your bunion, and she runs away all of a sudden losing one of the slippers, and he goes around trying it on women's feet to see if they're the one he fell in love with even if they're a size 13, when he could just as easily ask them. I've never seen a ruler go to such great lengths to find a princess. I've never seen a ruler go farther than twelve inches, for that matter. 

     As the night wore on and I finished another cocktail, the story in my head got more complicated. I surmised that it might not even be a woman who lost the earring. It could be a man who lost he/ him/ his earring, or it could have been a trans person who lost they/ them/ their earring, or it could have been someone from a renaissance faire who lost thou/ thee/ thine earring. I surmised that the earring may not have come from someone's ear at all, and that's the exact moment I stopped surmising.

     How did the earring come off in the first place? If it was a rip-off, I didn't want to get caught with the stolen goods, wrongly accused like in "The Fugitive," looking for a one-eared girl who could clear me in this jewelry case. I expanded my search to include people who looked like they had just suffered a painful loss.

     To further complicate matters, there was a girl there who was wearing a tiara. She was most likely a bachelorette or birthday honoree, but she could also be a princess looking for someone who lost the other gold earring, or a glass slipper, or who knows what was lost, including my point. 

     I figured I would just go ahead and try the earring on women who looked like they might have the right sized ears. I would need a flashlight and a magnifying glass so I could stick the pin in the right place. There had to be an easier way. I understand that all this seems pretty silly, but I had no idea if the earring was valuable or had sentimental value. Although whoever this earring came from was clearly no longer attached to it.

     Just then I looked at my watch, and it was the stroke of midnight. If this was a real Cinderella story, I had just enough time to run outside and take a look around the parking lot. Whoever was trying to cram themself inside of a pumpkin was surely the lucky winner. The closest thing I could find was a car that looked like it might be a lemon, but nobody was in it. In my haste I realized I had lost one of my shoes! Just kidding. Anyway, if you lost an earring, let me know. It's a gold hoop earring, and I'll ask you to describe your ear so that I'll know it's really you.