CLOSING ARGUMENTS

 ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (10-19-23)

 

     I just celebrated our 37th wedding anniversary, and I say "I" because I'm not actually sure my wife celebrates that. A lot of festivities and holidays have been cancelled over the years because it came out that the people we were celebrating did things that were not particularly festive, but I assure you that it will never come out that I ever did anything that was less than wholesome, unless anyone checks my web browser history. And may I be the first to say that those who fail to learn from browser history are destined to repeat it.

     Anyway, I truly believe that one of the things that makes a successful marriage is being able to have an argument that either ends in a resolution or an understanding, and not personal injury or dismemberment. The other thing is to laugh at my jokes regardless of whether you think they are funny. An argument can stem from a disagreement, a misunderstanding, a clash of values or failure to laugh at my jokes. Communication is a very important part of mutual harmony, to say the least. Saying the least is another. And yet I've known couples that are constantly at each others' throats, and you think they're gonna kill each other, and the insults are flying, and the next time you look they're in a passionate embrace. 

     Knowing how to argue with purpose and empathy is important in any relationship, and especially in marriage. I have some tips about arguing that will help you have a long and successful one:
1. Never go to bed angry, because in the morning you'll forget what you were fighting about, and you'll end up losing by default.
2. If you have a beef and you don't want to be the goat, yet you don't want to look like you're chicken, let it simmer and stew for a little while, and just before you come to a boil you can eat the entire argument.
3. If your wife is mad at you because you were taking a little too long checking out with the checkout girl, it's probably a Miss understanding. My apologies for that one.
4. Ironically, if you grab the remote control because you like comedy and she likes family drama, use it to tune to the channel with the family drama, if you don't want family drama.
5. If you don't want to ever fight about the upbringing of children, then don't bring them up in the first place.

     Many couples fight over money, which is something my wife and I have never fought over. That's because we had a clear understanding that we would never live above our means, and that we would not purchase things frivolously or after drinking. And since we don't have that much money, it wouldn't have been much of a fight.

     As a public service, I will provide a fictional example of a dysfunctional conversation that resolves peacefully, and you can use it to identify any triggers that you might find familiar in your own interactions with your loved ones.

     She says, "You always have to one-up me at everything. Remember when I told you my company put me up at the Four Seasons for the convention? And you said well, yours put you up at the Five Seasons? With you it's always tit for tat, and I guess you'd better get used to tat." And he says, "You never give me enough credit for all the good things I do." "I'm just going by the example your credit card company set. And you're always trying to pick a petty argument with me, like the one we had yesterday." "That argument was literally about Tom Petty." She says, "You complain about the dumbest things, like when you say I load the dishwasher wrong." "You DO load the dishwasher wrong. What if it was an anti-aircraft gun and you loaded it wrong?" "I bet the ammunition would still come out clean. What about you? You always put the toilet paper roll in upside-down." "If the toilet was upside-down I'd do it your way." "Well," she says, "then let's just agree to disagree." "NO! I disagree to disagree!" "Don't look now, but I think that means we agree." 

     I'll just say in closing to be careful with your words. You can't un-say something you've said, and you can't un-hear something your partner said to you. That's why my wife talks so softly. And when I say, "What?" She has time to edit whatever she said for a PG rating. It's much easier to not say something stupid than to have to apologize for it later. It's just not easy for ME not to say something stupid.