THINGS I HATE ABOUT FOOTBALL

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (11-02-23)

 

     Actually, I love football. It's like a good R-rated movie; it has a story line, a hero, a villain, plot twists, conflict, resolution, sometimes good acting, a lot of gratuitous violence and not enough nudity. However, there are some issues I would address if I were the commissioner, and I'll fix them so fast that the rest of the commission won't even notice.

     I hate that every time a winning field goal is about to be kicked and someone has an extra time-out lying around, they feel they must use it to "ice the kicker." The assumption is that if the referee blows the whistle just as the kicker is about to boot the ball through the uprights, he will be jinxed, and cross, and thinking about what might have been, and how he should have sold his Amazon stock when it was at $148.00, and how he said something really dumb on an interview before the game and thought of something so clever a minute after it was over, and that his Dad always seemed to like his younger brother better, and come to think of it so does his girlfriend, and he'll miss it. But when play resumes, he usually kicks the field goal anyway, and we've just wasted a lot of time that would have been better spent in therapy. And if he DOES miss it, the coach fancies himself a "football genius," which if you really were a football genius, would realize is an oxymoron.

     I hate when a backup quarterback comes into the game because of an injury, and he has a wristband with all the plays on it, and he throws five interceptions, and yet after the game he refuses to admit that he had the wristband on upside-down.

     I hate that the kickoff has become the most abject waste of time in the history of sports. In order to cut down on injuries, the ball is now kicked from the 35-yard line, and the kickoff team goes running down the field as fast as they can, and they surround the guy who would have caught the ball but did not since it sailed over his head into the stands, and they assault him verbally with things I wouldn't want my teenage children to hear, but ironically only teenage children know what they mean and won't tell us. I don't have children, fortunately for my children.

     I hate that men are so shallow that we will only respond to a sideline reporter who happens to be a good-looking woman. If she happens to be a short woman who doesn't fit in the same shot as a 6-foot five quarterback, at least there's an element of comedy. 

     I hate garish end-zone celebrations. On Monday Night Football last week after scoring a touchdown a player did the "worm," which was a dance that was popular, well, never, and then, in case you missed it, he did it again later. When an actual worm looks better than you do doing the "worm," it's time to retire that one. Hopefully he'll grow out of it once he reaches the pupa stage. 

     Then the rest of the team flooded the end zone for a wonderful one-act play. I was able to sit in at the dress rehearsal and watch as the choreographer put it all together: "Okay, remember, the football is supposed to be the baby, and the rest of you are supporting and nurturing it during the routine. Pianist: pick it up at the bridge, and I want to see some high steps and big leg kicks. Here we go: And, 5, 6. 7, 8..."

     I hate all the inconsistencies in the rules. For instance, you're allowed to tackle a guy by pulling his hair to the ground and seeing if the rest of him follows, but if you grab a guy's shirt for one second you're flagged for holding. There used to be a player on the Giants that was so afraid of somebody grabbing his jersey that he wore one so tight that it cut off the circulation to his arms.

     I hate the phrase, "offsetting penalties." Every time two football players get into a minor fracas which becomes a skirmish then blossoms into open hostilities before devolving into a donnybrook, the referees identify the two combatants and flag them both. But one player usually throws the first punch, and now that you can review the action using replays, that should be the guy who earns the penalty, and he should be forced to apologize and write an essay about why he should respect peoples' feelings.

     Well, it's almost time for Thursday Night Football, and since I missed Sunday afternoon, Sunday late afternoon, Sunday Night and Monday Night Football, I'm going to watch and see if they perform the "Electric Slide" during the touchdown celebration.