TAYLOR + TRAVIS 4-EVER

 ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (10-12-23)

 

     Taylor Swift is dating Travis Kelce! Best. Relationship. Ever. OMG it's a LTR with tons of PDA! I had to look up what PDA means because last time I checked it meant "personal digital assistant." And LTR? I know it's only been two weeks. But if you type "Taylor Swift and..." into your web browser, the following names come up, plus Travis Kelce's: Joe Alwyn, Harry Styles, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, Tom Hiddleston, Lucas Till, John Mayer, Calvin Harris, Matty Healy and Rick Melén. I had to type in Rick Melén myself- we aren't technically seeing each other because I don't have my glasses on. So if you want to date Taylor Swift you only have so much time with her, and you had better make the most of it.

     She doesn't wait long enough for familiarity to breed contempt before she breaks up with you. Familiarity isn't even pregnant yet and you're out the door. How's the weather, have you read any good books lately, where do you want to go for dinner? We'll need to skip all of that. Arguments over that aren't going to break up a relationship, and that's where we need to get to faster. Not on the first date, maybe the second, let's discuss having children, getting a house together, who won the battle round on "The Voice."

     These two are still getting past the small talk. "Travis, what's the craziest thing you've ever done?" "Well, once I refused to autograph a baby." "Travis! How could you turn down a little baby? Where did they want you to autograph it?" "Right in the parking lot. What about you?" "Well, once I tried to walk onto the red carpet unnoticed, but I wasn't wearing concealer. Travis, may I call you Kelce? This is such a beautiful moment. Let's take a picture together to capture it." "Hold on, Taylor, are you going to let all those girls that are with you into our special picture?" "Travis, don't be so selfish- after all this is a SELFIE we're talking about here. Now what's your best side?" "Definitely potato skins with bacon in them."

     Kelce probably knows that if history repeats itself, there will eventually be irreconcilable differences, possibly ones that rhyme. And when that day comes, there will be a song written about you, and millions of teenage girls will be singing all your bad qualities for years to come. If I were him I'd change my name to "Orange," since there's hardly anything that rhymes with it. He's a receiver, and a lot of things rhyme with "pass." Some of them are not good news, but I won't go into any more detail here.

     My skeptical side can't help thinking that this relationship is simply a cross-branding coup for the pop culture-spewing icon machine that is Taylor Swift. Taylor was seen up in a skybox watching the Chiefs game, with all of her "Swiftie" friends and Kelce's Mom. There could soon be NFL tie-in merch, or maybe even a sit-com. It also means Travis will have to go to one of her concerts with his football buddies and Taylor's Dad. The whole thing just seems strangely unnatural to me. If they ever tie the knot it will be more like a corporate merger than a wedding.

     The same thing happened to Pete Davidson when he got engaged to Ariana Grande- his bankability quotient quadrupled, and all of a sudden the most beautiful and eligible bachelorettes in the land started looking at him thinking, "Really? Well, I guess so." They'll need a hybrid name. There was Brangelina, there was Bennifer, there was J-rod, there was Kimye. Will this new super-couple be called Travlor? Tayvis? Taylce?  By the way, if Stefani Germanotta married John Rzeznik, she'd be Lady Gaga Goo Goo.

     But that's what a relationship is all about. You absorb from each other. Taylor is going to learn things she never knew she needed to know, like how to achieve success in a triangle formation offense, with an inside slot receiver and a running back released to the weak side. And Travis is going to find out how to stand so that your legs look longer. And don't make a half-hearted effort or only one of your legs is going to look longer. 

     I could be wrong, maybe this is the real deal, but I felt I had better get these things off my chest within a week to be on the safe side. Maybe Kelce will announce his wishes to her Dad at the big concert. "Mr. Swift, I'm going to ask you for your daughter's hand in marriage," Travis says. "WHAT? I can't hear a damn thing with 18,000 teenagers yelling in my ear." "I'm asking you for your daughter's hand in marriage, sir." "Fine, just leave the rest of her out of it."