RE-INVENTING HALLOWEEN

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (11-09-23)

 

     Since my column is published after the fact, I get a chance to reflect on events well after everyone else is totally sick of them. If for some reason you're not sick of them, I can cure you of that. I read a description of Halloween that said that the day is "believed to be when the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead is the thinnest." I wonder who was the first person who actually realized it? I guess someone woke up one day and said, "Wow, have you noticed how thin the veil is between the living and dead? You can see their underwear."

     The pseudo-holiday has its origins in spiritual and religious ritual, but somehow, like most celebrations that spend any time in America, it has devolved into simply an excuse to throw your diet out the window. I would describe Halloween as the day when the veil between having candy and not having candy is the thinnest, and the week after Halloween as when many Americans are their fattest.

     Consumers are estimated to be spending $3.6 billion on candy this year, which means inflation will be hitting not only wallets but waistlines, so extra belt-tightening will be nearly impossible, especially if those consumers consume everything they consumed. Luckily, now there's Ozempic to the rescue. By the way, you may have noticed all the previously portly celebrities that are lining up to describe their "weight loss journey," cutting out all those carbs and sugars and embracing Pilates to lose 80 pounds in three months. Not one of them happens to mention that the pharmacist was a convenient stop along the journey....

     No one really knows how we got from pagan ceremonies to candy and pumpkins. In Christian lore, November first is known as All Hallows' Day, a time to celebrate saints and martyrs. The night before became known as Hallows' Eve (or evening, as in "e'en"). Martyrs are most effective when dead, so that might account for the macabre element that came to be associated with the day. It was just a matter of time before witches and monsters lined up for a piece of the action. Goblins were not far behind, but they do have shorter legs. 

     Other customs probably had perfectly understandable beginnings. For instance, we have an all-black cat, which may not necessarily bring bad luck if it crosses your path, but it does tend to throw up a lot, and that's one of its more polite habits, so I wouldn't exactly call it a good luck charm. As far as people carving up pumpkins? If I had to guess, it probably started after harvest time, with a relative that threatened to make pumpkin beer or pumpkin spice muffins one too many times. If you have an annoying relative, a pumpkin and a knife, discretion is the better part of valor. There used to be a party game called "bobbing for apples," which was probably another harvest-related tradition. I doubt there has been an instance of it since the 1970s or so, when it became popular in mob movies to depict an interrogation by holding somebody's head under water until they talked, although it was hard to hear what they said under there. 

     Halloween forces you to define the meaning or "scary." Witches and monsters don't seem particularly scary to me. My sister Kath receives 300 trick-or-treaters on a given Halloween, and THAT seems scary to me. If I really wanted a scary costume I would have go out dressed as Trump's foreign policy.

     I celebrated Halloween by playing a costume party with my band last Saturday, and I was dressed as a "porch pirate," complete with Amazon packages hanging from my fearnaught. Turns out I hadn't even noticed that one of the packages was not actually addressed to me, so once again art imitates life. There was a contest for best outfit, which was won by an ogre. There was also a prize for runner-up which was won by a Taylor Swift, so if for any reason the ogre was unable to fulfill his duties of, say, eating babies, Taylor Swift would then have to take his place, and I suppose, eat a few babies.

     A holiday that embraces cobwebs as a form of decoration does have its advantages, however. My wife was cleaning out the area behind our hot tub and she said there were a ton of cobwebs back there, but she left them alone since Halloween was coming up, and it was easier than putting up fake ones. I'm sure the fact that there were authentic-looking spiders in them also factored into her decision. She told me that if I used this little story that I should call her by an assumed name. So Halloween is over now and there are still cobwebs by the hot tub AND she doesn't answer the assumed name.