BUYER BE WHERE?

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-13-25)

     What girl doesn't imagine herself walking down the aisle with the man of her dreams? Might I suggest aisle 2? That's the one with all the candy. I had to do the grocery shopping a couple weeks ago, and I learned that I lack the basic necessary skills for the job. There are just so many choices. I need toothpaste, but which one? Do I have sensitivity issues? My teeth did cry during "Love Actually." Do I need gum defense? I don't chew that much gum but maybe it's attacking from somewhere else. Do I have gingivitis? If I do it's probably in my knee along with all the other infirmities. Do I need a advanced whitening or should I just wait until it arrives by itself? Stronger enamel? Fresher breath? Fluoride? In the end I chose on toothpaste that promotes an off-white ecru color, and world peace.

     We needed eggs, but there are cage-free eggs, additive-free eggs, meat-free-fed eggs. The more times "free" is on the label, the more expensive they are. Eggs already cost a lot right now. Last Christmas, when there were three French hens, and six geese a-laying, we should have stockpiled more eggs, because on the thirteenth day of Christmas you never heard from them again. If this shortage goes all the way until Easter and people are hiding eggs, they're not going to tell anyone where they are.

     I didn't know which way to turn. It seemed like forces were pulling me in opposite directions, but I realized that the shopping cart had two wheels pointing north-northeast and two wheels pointing south-southnorth. Plus, the kid in my rumble seat kept grabbing boxes of cereal from the lower shelves, and it was then that I remembered I don't have children. I had either taken someone else's cart by accident or, judging by this kid's behavior, someone else took mine on purpose.

     My parents had six children, and my childhood consisted of my Mom getting several boxes of cereal, sticking us in a room with a television, and waiting until we grew up. Back then the boxes had Sugar Pops or Sugar Smacks in them. They've since changed all the names to present the illusion that these products are good for you. They're now called Corn Pops and Honey Smacks, and they brag about how many vitamins and minerals are in them. I sprinkle a little wheat germ on my cereal, then hit it with some disinfectant because I don't know what wheat germ actually is.

     They had an extensive craft beer section at the supermarket. I picture a group of women sitting around in someone's living room making beer with stuff they bought at Michael's, and then selling it on Etsy.
     I needed peanut butter, milk, and something on my list that looked like it said "bee straightener." My wife is the only one who can read my handwriting. I'm not sure what it actually said, but if the list ever falls into enemy hands they won't be able to decipher it. I went to a couple different aisles that I thought might carry bee straightener, but I abandoned the search pretty quickly.

     My Mom used to shop with a bunch of coupons that she clipped out of who knows where, and by the time she got to the checkout line, they owed HER money. I'm trying to be a smart shopper, so I read the labels to compare how much product I'm getting for the money. A bag of M & Ms is $2.99 for a 2.83 ounces. In milligrams that would be upwards of 50,000, and in euros it would cost $2.70. What's the serving size? It used to be one M & M, but now it's just one M. One candy bar had a larger "fun size" than the others, leading me to believe that the other candies might be more fun for the money. Smoke started to come out of my head, so I went to the frozen foods aisle to cool off.

    Wow- produce is bigger than I remember it. I saw a lady shopping in the fruit section and I said, "Hey, that's quite a pear you've got there, Miss." And she looked at me like I was nuts and started walking away quickly, and I had to call after her, "Where did you get those huge melons?" But she was already gone, and for some reason everyone was staring at me. I said, "Okay, well I guess 'aisle' be seeing you, then," which would have worked better in print.

     My cart was now full of toothpaste and candy, and a guy asked me if I wanted to self-checkout, but I didn't want to appear vain so I went to the register. The girl asked me if I wanted a bag, because now you either have to buy one or bring your own. Luckily, one of the things in my cart was baggies, so I opened up the box, took one out and then put the box into it. Then she asked me if I'd like to earn rewards, and I told her not if I had to turn myself in. It was a frustrating experience, and I could only describe it with words better not expressed in the express lane.