DNA AND ME

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-26-26)

    My sister had her ancestry tested using one of those DNA-based services that compares your sample to millions of users, to uncover secrets about your past that could come back to bite you in the future, such as that you are the illegitimate child of Thomas Jefferson. My family always thought we were of Swedish descent, but it turns out our genetic background is primarily Danish. They use a sample of your saliva to develop a single nucleotide polymorphism, and just saying that left a bad taste in my mouth, so now is not the time for me to swab. Those Denmark genes came from my sister, so perhaps she had a Danish for breakfast that day and it skewed the results.

     23andMe is a genetic testing company named for the fact that there are 23 pairs of chromosomes in a human cell (and You). If you send your DNA to them, they will compare it to others of the same genotype in their database of over 3 million applicants. This information can be helpful to those whose family has a history of certain medical conditions that can be proactively treated, such as Parkinson's disease, celiac disease or Alzheimer's disease. Baldness, too is something that is passed down from your mother's side of the family. My own mother wasn't bald, so I should have nothing to worry about. Sometimes I think I might have memory loss due to old age, but usually I just forget about it and it goes away.

     DNA is so much more interesting now than it was when I was in school, and there were things like "endoplasmic reticula" lurking around every corner waiting to jump out at me during a pop quiz. Now DNA actually has practical uses, other than just showing off its polynucleotides. Genetic engineering, for instance, takes the process of animal or plant breeding, which could take generations, and speeds it up so that can be done while you're doing your laundry. 

     I watch a lot of "true crime" shows, and police are always following suspects around waiting for them to throw out their straws, so that they can collect their DNA. Even if I haven't committed any crime, I take a look around after I'm done with my straw, to see if anyone is looking at me holding a Q-tip. But if I HAVE committed a crime I'm much more careful. I don't lick anything even if asked, and if I so much as order an ice cream cone I hold it over my mouth in direct sunlight and wait until it melts, even if I have to wait until spring. I don't secrete ANY bodily fluids, unless I do it in secret. I would like to know what is the grossest thing the police will try to retrieve in order to get my DNA? "Did you see what Melén just threw away there? Go retrieve it, it's gotta have his DNA on it." "I'M not going anywhere near that. YOU go get it." "He's only wanted for jay-walking in a pedestrian zone, so let's just ask him not to do it anymore."

     If the case goes to trial, the DA says, "Mr. Melén's DNA was found at the scene, so he is the bad actor here." "I object," I object. "I was in that scene and there were other actors way worse than I was." And then the DA says, "The presence of that DNA means that Mr. Melén was the only one out of a blahbity-illion people that could have committed the crime. That's a one followed an infinite amount of zeroes." Every time I hear one of those astronomical numbers I wonder whose job is it to actually count to make sure the number is accurate? 

     Advancements in the field have given rise to a new branch of investigation called "forensic genealogy," where even if your third cousin committed a crime, your DNA could identify him. If he was your third cousin once removed though, he might have an alibi depending on when he was removed. The technique is credited with solving the case of the "Golden State Killer," a serial murderer who committed numerous unsolved crimes in the 1970s and 1980s. He was finally identified through DNA samples submitted by his sisters, unrelated to the original investigation. The killer blamed "Jerry," an alter-ego personality, for some of the murders, although it's not clear whether alter-egos have DNA.

     Every time I read that somebody heard a "voice in their head," I wonder why it only ever tells you to kill somebody? It never tells you how to put together the P-trap under your sink, now that you took it apart, for instance. I recently heard a little voice in my head that asked me, "Wouldn't you agree that statistically, the chance of getting a childproof cap open is only slightly higher for adults?" That's when I began to suspect that the little voice in my head was my own.

     Anyway, it's possible that I am biologically related to someone whom I don't even know about, and they're out there, trying to find me, using 23andMe. If it's 23andYou, and you'd like to get in touch, and I don't owe you any money, please feel free to contact me. If it turns out that I am your long lost son, there might be a good reason that you lost me for so long, which you'll find out after I move in with you.