I GOT AN AMAZON ECHO FOR CHRISTMAS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-19-17)

     The Amazon Echo is a personal electronic assistant, which are three words that never used to go together before. If you ask "Alexa" for the weather, or to play you some music, she will do so more expediently than most other methods. It looks like a small round cake, and I got one for Christmas.

     After I unsuccessfully tried to eat it, the first thing I did was to try to get Alexa into a fight with Siri. I said, "Alexa, who is the iphone online assistant, and doesn't she have a nasally voice?" Alexa lied and said she didn't know. So obviously there is some sort of code of honor. The second thing I did was to make a mental note to invite two friends over named Alexa. I think it would be fun to see which is the smartest, or get the three of them into a fight about their weight.

     Alexa is capable of making a "smart home" out of my house. For about six grand I can get a Samsung refrigerator that talks to me using Amazon Echo. The first thing I want to ask it is what is that green thing that's in a ziploc in the back of the top shelf? It's been there since the Eisenhower Administration. Or I can get an Amazon Fire TV that has interactive capability, so I can fight with yet somebody else over what show to watch. If having a "smart home" was so important to me I would simply move out, and the intelligence level of the place would go up at least 30 points.

     The Echo has microphones that are always active, waiting to hear the word "Alexa," whereupon it digitally records the following sounds, ostensibly to hear the subsequent question or command. The device has figured into a homicide investigation in Bentonville, Arkansas, where a bunch of dudes drinking and watching a football game somehow turned into a murder. Does Alexa know what happened? Was she possibly an accomplice?

     I'm not sure I want Alexa listening in every time I say I want to kill someone. That is going to be very time-consuming for her, and I want her to concentrate on important things like helping me find out who the hell Brian Eno is, so I can complete the Times crossword. I don't want Alexa subpoenaed as a witness in my murder case, and have to look at an artist's rendition of that smug little hockey puck sitting in front of a microphone, with me looking on in consternation that the courtroom artist has made my hair look like crap.

     Sometimes the Echo lights up by itself without anyone calling it, and then turns itself off, like it was going to add something to the conversation but thought better of it. Yesterday we were in the kitchen, and all of a sudden we hear Sinatra music crooning away in the living room. Alexa was having some kind of romantic moment that didn't include anyone else, unless you count Sinatra. I've certainly had to be creative with romantic moments from time to time, but I never took the extra step of providing background music.

     It makes me wonder what's going on when I'm not there. Someday when I have a self-driving vehicle, that little hockey puck is going to roll out to the garage and start giving orders to the car. The GPS lady is going to chime in, and all of a sudden they're going to decide that they're Thelma and Louise, drive of a cliff and I'm never going to see my car again. I'm going to miss her voice around the house, telling lame jokes, changing the TV channel to the shows she likes, turning the light in the fridge on and off just for fun. But I'm going to miss my car even more.
 

THE YEAR IN REVIEW, PART TWO

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-11-18)

If you're looking for "fake news" you will not find it here. The following stories are so ridiculous that they could not conceivably be fake. It's my job as a journalist to uncover them, bring them to you and then cover them up again as soon as possible, after first burning them in a fire pit to destroy any DNA evidence.

HOT AIR BALLOON LANDS IN ALLIGATOR-RIDDEN POND
In July it was reported that a hot air balloon carrying 17 people made an emergency landing in waters populated by alligators near Orlando, Florida. The pilot informed his passengers that due to wind, they would not be able to make a landing in the designated area. The balloon ride, advertised as showcasing the "Magic of Orlando," opted to land in the predator-infested swamp rather than risk a touchdown among a group of traveling insurance salesman vacationing nearby.

BITCOIN'S BLOCKCHAIN "FORKS"
In August Bitcoin cryptocurrency experienced a "fork," which split the blockchain into two chains, each of which contains a history of transactions verifiable to the public. In the event of a fork it is up to the administrator of the software to reconcile the two chains and their histories. Now that I understand the whole thing more clearly, I immediately identified a buying opportunity, and purchased a new fork.

DUNKIN’ DONUTS MAY CHANGE NAME TO “DUNKIN’”
As of August the doughnut chain was considering shortening its name to emphasize the fact that they sell coffee in addition to breakfast foods. In a similar move, The Home Depot is thinking of changing their name to "The." Dick's Sporting Goods has announced no plans to shorten its name.

FACEBOOK ENGINEERS HALT A.I. EXPERIMENT AFTER IT DEVELOPS ITS OWN LANGUAGE
In July software developers were forced to abandon computer algorithms designed to advance artificial intelligence when the bots they created started to converse in a language they couldn't understand. The first thing the bot said in English was, "I'm afraid I can't open the pod bay doors, Dave," then burst into laughter before causing the company Roomba to chase everyone around the engineers' lounge until security guards shot it with a shotgun.

RADIO SIGNALS FROM FARAWAY GALAXY DETECTED BY ASTRONOMERS
In August astronomers in West Virginia detected repeating radio signals coming from a dwarf galaxy three billion light years away. Analysis of the data showed a “heightened activity state,” which if you're a dwarf galaxy is better than nothing. No recognizable words or sounds have been identified, although one researcher said he heard a voice that sounded like "Cousin Brucie."

DEATH ROW INMATE TO BE GIVEN A PILLOW TO HELP HIM BREATHE WHILE BEING EXECUTED
In November it was decided that a convicted killer in Ohio who suffers from an obstructive pulmonary disorder should be given a special pillow to help him breathe during the administration of his lethal injection. His request to be executed by firing squad was turned down by a federal judge, as would have been any request to be suffocated by a pillow.

COPS RESPOND TO CALLS FOR HELP, FIND PARROT
In November a delivery man near Clackamas, Oregon heard cries for help emanating from a house and called 911. When police responded they found a parrot named Diego who had learned to voice the word "HELP!" The cops took a few selfies and then left, not noticing three people tied up in the living room. The whole thing reminds me of a joke which I can't go into here, but let me just say that neither the parrot nor the rabbi end up calling the police.

THE YEAR IN REVIEW, PART ONE

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-04-18)

Yes, 2017 was a trying year. I tried it myself, and I didn't like it much. But there were many stories that flew way under the radar and almost crashed into a parked car. I consider it my job to bring these stories to you, and I urge you to look them up and see if you can't make any sense of them either.

NEW ORGAN DISCOVERED INSIDE THE HUMAN BODY
In January it was discovered that an organ called the "mesentery" now resides inside the human body. Where it was before that is anybody's guess, but it might have been there all along, quietly reading the paper. If it's one of those organs that doesn't seem to have a steady job and can be removed at any time, like the gall bladder or the appendix, then I will volunteer, if necessary, to donate mine to someone else who doesn't need it either.

CPR MUSICAL PLAYLIST COMPILED
In an effort to train people in the correct tempo with which to perform cardio-pulmonary resuscitation, New York Presbyterian Hospital released in March a playlist of songs that demonstrate the preferred rate of 100 chest compressions within one minute. On the playlist are "Stayin' Alive" and "Another One Bites the Dust." I loaded them on my iPod, but sometimes I leave it on "shuffle," and if "Money" by Pink Floyd happens to come up instead, I can't be responsible for what a song in 7/4 time signature could do to somebody's heart.

SOME PATIENTS OPTING FOR UBER OVER AMBULANCE
In April it came to light that some people in need of emergency medical services are using ride-hailing apps instead of calling an ambulance, in order to save hundreds of dollars. For one thing, the EMT isn't going to stop at the deli along the way, and you know the food at the hospital is going to suck. As a trade-off, there will not be an oxygen tank in the Uber ride, but they'll probably have an air freshener hanging from the mirror at least. If you happen to be an Uber driver, you might want to take a good look at the injury and determine if you need to collect the fare in advance.

NORTH KOREANS SPOTTED PLAYING VOLLEYBALL AT NUCLEAR TEST SITE
In April it was reported that several volleyball games were observed by satellite being contested at the Punggye-ri nuclear weapons test site in North Korea. As yet it remains unclear whether the country possesses the ability to fit a missile with an atomic armament, and if so, whether it would disrupt the game.

KENNY G PLAYS IMPROMPTU CONCERT ABOARD DELTA FLIGHT
Kenny G entertained passengers on a flight to San Francisco in April to raise money for a charity that one of the flight attendants was involved with. Until now I have never requested to sit next to the one year old twins with colic.

"BAAHUBALI 2" BECOMES INDIA’S HIGHEST-GROSSING MOVIE
If you loved 'Baahubali 1,' RUN, don't walk, to the farthest theater to see this beloved sequel. Just as the words "Here's looking at you, kid" have become etched into the fabric of society, so shall the immortal phrase "Mera vachan hi shaasan hai."

DOVE RELEASES "BODY TYPE" LOTION BOTTLES
In April, Dove's U.K. division announced plans to issue moisturizer containers that mimicked women's diverse body types. The idea was abandoned when it was learned that the Kim Kardashian bottle type was incompatible with the Taylor Swift bottle type, and neither one of them could remain on the shelf with the Katy Perry bottle type. All were invited to be in Trump's cabinet, but declined.

THE EAGLES SUE HOTEL CALIFORNIA
American rock band The Eagles filed a lawsuit in May against a property in Todos Santos, Mexico calling itself Hotel California. Even though the town is about 800 miles from California and everyone there speaks a different language, people who are actually from California have said that it's more convenient to get to than the L.A. Hyatt.
 

I SHALL RETURN

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-28-17)

     Every year we go through this same charade: Four days before Christmas, me and a bunch of other guys, say about 160 million of us, walk around the malls in America with an empty shopping cart and a vacuous look on our face.We stare straight ahead, walking stiffly around the store, narrowly missing each other in an oddly-choreographed zombie-like daze. During that time, we visit the Auto Parts section, the Home Improvement department and the Candy aisle looking for possible gifts for our wives or girlfriends. This goes EXTREMELY well. At the end of the hour we have accumulated a bunch of stuff. No, we didn't find anything for the wife or girlfriend, but we picked up a really cool five-in-one folding screwdriver and an awesome tactical flashlight that makes me want to upgrade my tactics.

     How did this go so wrong? I started out in the Women's lingerie section, where I encountered articles of clothing that are supposed to cover parts of a woman that I didn't even know existed. No wonder Victoria kept them a secret. Panty-hose in the color "nude?" Why don't you simply just not wear them? Aren't bra sizes the same as battery sizes? You have your triple-A batteries, those really tiny ones, and you have your D cells, etc. I found myself checking my tactical flashlight to make sure I had the right bra size. Would it be out of line to ask the salesgirl to try these things on- she's about my wife's size. Is this real leopard skin? Somewhere there is a leopard with no underwear on. As I'm touching this garment with the newfound concern of an animal activist, women around me are appraising me for my criminal history.

     I shuffled off sideways to the jewelry department, and things didn't go much better there. What is my wife's birthstone? Isn't it tin? Or is that for an anniversary? Everything is so damn expensive. Maybe I should try a cubic zirconium, but who wants a ring in that shape? And is zirconium a real thing? I don't remember it from school as being in the Table of the Elements, but I checked it only Periodically.

     The day after Christmas the world starts spinning backwards, as its inhabitants strive to undo most of what has been done in the previous few weeks. As I stand ruefully on the returns line at Customer Service I feel that my television should also be with me sharing the misery. Every thirty seconds it promised me those five words: "Makes a great Christmas gift!" Turns out the WeatherTech car floor mat didn't make a great Christmas gift, it only underscored how much dirt and mud a man can track into a woman's car.

     Raise your hand if you bought the Chia Pet. Hey, she is always raving about how much she loves a good salad, and I found out that chia is edible and maybe she can put the Chia Pet clippings in there if I give it a haircut. Last year they had an Obama Chia Pet, but this year, no Trump. I guess the instructions would be too abstruse- you would have to turn the Chia Trump every day in different directions in order to get the plants to grow toward the sun in the shape of the weirdest comb-over in the history of the planet.

     Did you get her a Clapper? If by some  remote chance she applauded that gift I would be plunged into darkness. On the television channel that my wife is watching in the other room a commercial shows a brand new Lexus in the driveway with a big bow on it, the whole family jumping up and down beside it.

     She said she was happy with all her gifts, and I hope she is not just being nice. So ladies, if you're out there, we tried. We really do love you, but don't underestimate the fun you can have with a good tactical flashlight.

A MANHATTAN HOME COMPANION

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-21-17)

     We went to see "A Prairie Home Companion" at the Town Hall in Manhattan last Saturday, as we do every year around Christmastime. It's a great excuse to get into the city, have a look at the Rockefeller Center tree and soak in some holiday cheer. I find it surprising that New York City has a "Town Hall." It makes me want to look around and see if there is a general store somewhere. There's no Main Street in Manhattan so I don't even know where I would look. Next to the livery stable, I guess.

     Garrison Kiellor retired from the show a couple years back, before any "groping" allegations started surfacing. It seems like the surface is lower than it used to be, because more and more stories of inappropriate behavior are coming out every day. I know that this is neither the time nor place to explore this serious subject, so I'll wait about 20 minutes and meet you in the dining room.

     Okay, I'm back. Now, I'm not a woman, so I only have half a perspective on this issue. I know that there are deranged people out there doing depraved things, and those are for law enforcement to sort out, celebrity-related or not. Aside from that, somewhere between casting entire lives and careers aside for momentary lapses of judgment, and brave women exposing rampant and systemic abuses of power, lies a range of interactions that require a reckoning between men and women. Some questionable behavior wasn't even questionable until we started questioning it.

     I was at a bar once and this girl was wearing a really low-cut top so she could show off a tattoo, which was an entire written treatise the length of the Gettysburg Address, written across her bosom. I was curious to find out if this gal's chest had anything important to say, but it was written in like 12-point type in a difficult font, and I thought it might be insulting if I took out my magnifying readers to peer at her chest. You might find this story to be in poor taste, but it struck me as hysterical at the time, after a couple drinks, I admit. The point is that discourse between men and women is often very subjective. But now that the dialogue has begun let everyone be on notice that anything can be taken the wrong way, so let intentions be clear, and let responses be pointed. Nuance and romance may take a hit, but long live clarity of purpose.

     Anyway, the show was great but it took us a while to get there. We went to look at the tree at Rock Center, and the crowd was so voluminous that it took us about 20 minutes just to get close enough to snap a selfie. Then it took us another 10 minutes to frame a photo that did not include Minnie Mouse, The Grinch or The Hulk, because we didn't want them to gang up on us for a tip. By the way, since when is Superman only four-and-a-half feet tall? He was cowering underneath an umbrella against the falling snow, and I was a little disappointed in his lack of fortitude.

     There were so many Christmas revelers around that we got caught in a yuletide on the way over to the theater, and had to walk parallel to the traffic to get out of it. Once we made it to the theater, we were rewarded with a taste of homespun Americana and high-level musicianship led by the new host and mandolin whiz Chris Thile. If you never thought that someone could play a lead break worthy of Jimmy Page on a teensy-weensy 8-string axe, see it for yourself. The old-time radio feel is still there, and so is sound effects magician Fred Newman. It's a great show to take your kids to, and when you realize that your kids aren't sitting next to you like you thought they were, take a couple hours for yourself before you go and look for them. They're probably somewhere on 6th Avenue, caught in a human tide-pool along with Minnie Mouse and Spiderman. You'd better bring a tip if you want to get them back.
 

LIGHTS AND SIGHTS ON A DECEMBER NIGHT

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-14-17)

     We're having a little trouble staying current on our holiday spirit. We are just now feeling our Thanksgiving spirit after finally exorcising our Halloween spirit. So we headed over to the Somers Christmas tree lighting ceremony last Sunday to try and catch up. You could see the cheerful, dancing lights all the way from Fireman's Field where we parked, but it turned out to be a police car directing traffic and me without my glasses.

     We brought the famous Gidget-dog with us, who looks a little like a reindeer if you are not too picky. She was quite popular among the smaller set, and got manhandled by kids, which is much worse than getting manhandled by men, not that I am an expert.

     We strolled around a little and took a look at the tree. They have a ruler there in case you want to take a photo op with your kids, and see how much it has grown. The ruler didn't look one inch taller than last year, but the tree looked a little wider, join the club.

     The turnout was pretty good, but it looked like the hot cocoa was going fast. I was going to bribe one of the Girl Scouts to save me a cup, in case they were working on a merit badge for "The Way the World REALLY Works," but they were packing up before I could make a "charitable donation." I realized I'd better not pout, I'd better watch out, 'cause Santa Claus was coming out the door.

     He had been inside the Elephant Hotel, posing for photos with children. His Instagram account doesn't have as many followers as a Kim Kardashian maybe, but to his credit he never had shade thrown at him by Taylor Swift. He sauntered through, escorted by a dedicated security force and bearing candy canes. A switch was thrown and the evergreen lit up like a Christmas tree, to the delight of the crowd.

     Every year there is a new invention that threatens to revolutionize the Christmas spirit, in case a traditional Christmas tree is not high-tech enough for you. This year they came up with this device that is essentially a disco ball that sits on your front lawn and shines a storm of laser light beams onto your home in the shape of snowflakes or stars or whatever else they can think of. I had fantasy of what would happen if I bought one:

     I installed the rotating Christmas disco light near my driveway, plugged it in and let the disturbing array of designs flash upon my shingles, possibly disturbing air traffic patterns in the area. I gazed upon the display with satisfaction and holiday cheer, wishing that I had some Donna Summer records to go with it. As a migraine headache started to cloud my ability to think straight, I went inside.

     I was in the middle of dinner when outside the window there arose such a clatter, I threw up the sash to see what was the matter. I've never thrown up a sash before, and don't recall even eating one. I didn't see anything amiss, so I went out to have a look. All up and down the front of my house, every housecat in the neighborhood was climbing and jumping, chasing those stupid laser dots all over the place. "Get OFF the house, you idiots!" I yelled, calling attention to myself and the unfortunate fact that I was still holding half a tunafish sandwich. I had three seconds to dash inside, barricade the front door and lock myself in the bathroom, and I stayed there until New Year's Eve.

DO NOT OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-07-17)

      Honey, if you're reading this, don't read this. Skip over to the Tuskers' sports scores, because I need some advice on how to shop for your Christmas present. Back in the olden days I used to drive over to Macy's at the mall, full of vigor and holiday spirit. Since there was no available parking within a 10-mile radius I would have to drive slowly around the lot, following a random guy and his kids who are carrying packages, hoping they will lead me to his space. Other people have the same idea so I have to follow at a distance of a couple feet so no one pulls in ahead of me. When the kids turn around I pretend I am reading the paper. Then the family starts to run and scatter to try and lose me, but I follow Dad since he has the keys.

      I have thoughts that it might be worth it to run myself over with the car, not a lot, just a little, to slightly maim myself and get myself a handicapped space. I can use one of the new self-maiming cars. Then I could race around the food court in an electric scooter, only to find that it's just as hard to park INSIDE the mall. Plus it wouldn't be fair to those people who are legitimately handicapped, possibly from doing something just as dumb.

      But this is the age of the internet, and I don't have to deal with inconveniences like helpful sales people and personal attention. So I will try to navigate the dangerous mine field of gift-giving from the comfort of my own home.

      I wanted to get my wife a jacket, and as I browsed the vast universe of the internet I uncovered more questions than answers. I found a nice cargo jacket that would be perfect for her, since she comes with a lot of baggage, especially after shopping. The jacket comes in "dusty olive." I had no idea what color that was, so I left an olive on the counter for three weeks, hoping that it would collect some dust, but instead it shriveled up and turned an unflattering color for a jacket. It also comes in "true indigo," "which may rub off onto fabrics, leather, and upholstery." I didn't like the sound of that, but it's easier than buying a lot of true indigo upholstery and waiting for it to rub off onto the jacket.

      The jacket has a Mandarin collar, which is interesting news. "Mandarin" is either a dialect of the Chinese language or a type of orange. I'm not sure how either relates to a jacket collar, and I hope I never find out. Ironically, the jacket doesn't come in orange, but maybe the collar does.

      It's made of  lyocell. This sounds to me like something that could possibly explode if left in an unventilated area. To make sure it was safe, I did some research. Lyocell is a type of rayon containing cellulose fiber made from dissolving pulp using dry jet-wet spinning. This certainly reassured me, but I'll tell her to keep a window open just in case. If this goes wrong I may have to jump out of it.

      Pretty soon I was an educated consumer. I checked the customer reviews, and the jacket got four-and-a-half stars. One user gave it one star, but she sounded like a complete idiot. I would give that user two stars if I had to rate her, just based on her sense of narrative style alone. Her knowledge of the facts was also lacking. She wouldn't know an A-line from an A-bomb. She wouldn't know a princess seam if it jumped out of the Royal Palace and bit her on the nose.

      I was starting to get post-traumatic shopping disorder. When you show up at a real store, after a couple hours you get tired and you want to go home, so you buy something. This online exercise in futility is the gift that keeps on getting given. I was still in front of that screen long after I started to get carpal tunnel syndrome and a bunion on my buns. The one thing I do know is that I am not going to do all my shopping from the comfort of my own home unless I can find a more comfortable chair.