SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (11-16-17)
There is nothing more peaceful than the second week of November. The busy summer is over, the leaves are mostly off the trees and most importantly, election day has come and gone. I take a deep breath, a long, hot shower and weep a little for our ineffective political system.
Grown men and women debase each other and themselves in television ads for an embarrassing four months leading up to election day and expect us to feel good about them afterward. I first got wind of the situation somewhere around July. Candidate Blue was planning to RAISE my taxes! I couldn't believe the news. I'm a hard-working guy and I pay my taxes religiously, meaning that I pray that they will someday be lower. I don't mind paying taxes, I just don't want my money to go towards something stupid, like paying the salaries of people who want to raise my taxes. I would rather somebody hit me over the head with a ball peen hammer than raise my taxes.
I didn't want any part of that, so I made my decision to vote for Candidate Red. THEN I heard that Candidate Red was planning to actually hit me over the head with a ball peen hammer. AND he was involved in political cronyism. That made me angry, and even angrier once I found out what a political cronyism was.
Then I found out that Candidate Blue was planning to take away my Second Amendment rights. I don't remember which one that is but it could be my right of free assembly. I remember that assembly was the best day of the school year, and you could get out early after it was over. And I do recall that it was free. So I say NO to that.
Candidate Red is preventing immigrants from coming into the country! Who's going to take care of my lawn? Before you say "kids from the neighborhood," please be aware that I can't even get "kids from the neighborhood," to show up on Halloween for free candy! And what does Candidate Blue have in mind? He's planning to let a bunch of immigrants into the country! Gang members, no less! And do you think anyone in the gang owns a lawn mower? I say NO!
I don't really care about all the other stuff, what I really want is a candidate who is great at shaking hands and talking to old people. And suddenly, there he was on the TV! Candidate Blue! But every time Candidate Red came on, he had nice music playing, and when Candidate Blue appeared he had depressing piano music in the background.
I've thought about running for office, since I've always wanted a better relationship with oligarchs. But I know the campaign is going to be brutal. That awful picture of me, worse than my driver's license photo, that showed up on Facebook that I did NOT authorize the use of is going to be plastered all over the place. Then they're going to scour my records for evidence of misdealings in my finances, but I know they won't find any. They might find the misdealings but they won't find the finances.
YES I admit to a conflict of interest: I love the Giants and own articles of clothing on every part of my body with their logo, except for underwear, where the word "Giant" does not seem humble. Yet after every game I want to hit them over the head with a ball peen hammer. It's eventually going to come out that my campaign was heavily influenced by early exposure to "F Troop" and "Get Smart." I'm surprised more people don't consider running FROM office.
There is nothing more peaceful than the second week of November. The busy summer is over, the leaves are mostly off the trees and most importantly, election day has come and gone. I take a deep breath, a long, hot shower and weep a little for our ineffective political system.
Grown men and women debase each other and themselves in television ads for an embarrassing four months leading up to election day and expect us to feel good about them afterward. I first got wind of the situation somewhere around July. Candidate Blue was planning to RAISE my taxes! I couldn't believe the news. I'm a hard-working guy and I pay my taxes religiously, meaning that I pray that they will someday be lower. I don't mind paying taxes, I just don't want my money to go towards something stupid, like paying the salaries of people who want to raise my taxes. I would rather somebody hit me over the head with a ball peen hammer than raise my taxes.
I didn't want any part of that, so I made my decision to vote for Candidate Red. THEN I heard that Candidate Red was planning to actually hit me over the head with a ball peen hammer. AND he was involved in political cronyism. That made me angry, and even angrier once I found out what a political cronyism was.
Then I found out that Candidate Blue was planning to take away my Second Amendment rights. I don't remember which one that is but it could be my right of free assembly. I remember that assembly was the best day of the school year, and you could get out early after it was over. And I do recall that it was free. So I say NO to that.
Candidate Red is preventing immigrants from coming into the country! Who's going to take care of my lawn? Before you say "kids from the neighborhood," please be aware that I can't even get "kids from the neighborhood," to show up on Halloween for free candy! And what does Candidate Blue have in mind? He's planning to let a bunch of immigrants into the country! Gang members, no less! And do you think anyone in the gang owns a lawn mower? I say NO!
I don't really care about all the other stuff, what I really want is a candidate who is great at shaking hands and talking to old people. And suddenly, there he was on the TV! Candidate Blue! But every time Candidate Red came on, he had nice music playing, and when Candidate Blue appeared he had depressing piano music in the background.
I've thought about running for office, since I've always wanted a better relationship with oligarchs. But I know the campaign is going to be brutal. That awful picture of me, worse than my driver's license photo, that showed up on Facebook that I did NOT authorize the use of is going to be plastered all over the place. Then they're going to scour my records for evidence of misdealings in my finances, but I know they won't find any. They might find the misdealings but they won't find the finances.
YES I admit to a conflict of interest: I love the Giants and own articles of clothing on every part of my body with their logo, except for underwear, where the word "Giant" does not seem humble. Yet after every game I want to hit them over the head with a ball peen hammer. It's eventually going to come out that my campaign was heavily influenced by early exposure to "F Troop" and "Get Smart." I'm surprised more people don't consider running FROM office.
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