ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-22-18)
For those of you who are too busy to watch the Winter Olympics this year, I have been covering the events for the Somers Record. It all started with the opening ceremonies, which, using complicated special effects and choreography, told the story of five Korean children who travel through time from the past to the future, learning of the country's history and culture. They return to the present, where it is REALLY friggin' cold.
Then there was the Parade of Nations, and this year Zambia, Zaire and Zimbabwe must have threatened to hit an IOC official over the head with a ball peen hammer, because this year they did not enter in alphabetical order. Seeing all the young, good-looking athletes all together seems like a a giant red carpet event. 270 people wearing the same outfit! Who wore it better??
Then there were some songs, some speeches, some fireworks. The athlete representing the host country ran all the way up about a hundred flights of stairs to light the Olympic flame. He's been running all the way across the country, so I guess he's a cross-country runner, duh. He must really love the Games, I just hope the Games love him back. It seems like he's been carrying a torch for the Olympics forever.
Even though I consider myself an expert, there are some things about winter sports that I don't understand. I watched curling for way longer than is possibly healthy, and at the end of the competition, there wasn't anything the least bit curlier than when they started. And I checked everything, including their hair. We're just going to have to take their word on that one.
I also watched an event called the "half pipe," which was extremely entertaining. After seeing all the contestants together, it was impossible to figure out who smoked the other half.
One thing I've noticed is that the Olympics are a lot more non-gender anti-quasi-inclusive now. You have a whole team of bi-athletes, and I'm told that they have guns. Also, how long until two dudes take the ice in the Olympic pairs competition? "Sorry Mr. Pence, I guess you didn't realize when you invited us here to your house in Washington, but we are manned, tanned and love Streisand! Also, sorry about your carpet- I guess we should have taken our skates off first."
The luge is a lot like the bobsled, only minus the bobsled. You hurtle down the mountain on your back, a wing and prayer and about 50 pounds of steel and fiberglass. If you don't want to be thought of as a total luger, the skeleton is just the thing for you. It's pretty much the same as the luge only you go down head first. It's much easier, since if you encounter any problems your head will know about it ahead of time and can warn your feet. Neither one seems like it would pass the most basic safety standards. Do these things have anti-lock brakes? I plan to keep my skeleton where it belongs, in the closet.
If you really want to get some great ratings, award the Games to New York City. Run a pothole slalom down 45th Street. Line up all the cross country contestants on the corner of Madison Avenue, and let them try to catch the M42 bus as it goes careening by the stop for NO reason. Run a short track around Columbus Circle, and long program at Rockefeller Center. Stick the Olympic flame at the top of the Empire State Building, and during the closing ceremonies, if your country has a burning fire for the Games and somebody in really good shape, he can run up there to get it.
For those of you who are too busy to watch the Winter Olympics this year, I have been covering the events for the Somers Record. It all started with the opening ceremonies, which, using complicated special effects and choreography, told the story of five Korean children who travel through time from the past to the future, learning of the country's history and culture. They return to the present, where it is REALLY friggin' cold.
Then there was the Parade of Nations, and this year Zambia, Zaire and Zimbabwe must have threatened to hit an IOC official over the head with a ball peen hammer, because this year they did not enter in alphabetical order. Seeing all the young, good-looking athletes all together seems like a a giant red carpet event. 270 people wearing the same outfit! Who wore it better??
Then there were some songs, some speeches, some fireworks. The athlete representing the host country ran all the way up about a hundred flights of stairs to light the Olympic flame. He's been running all the way across the country, so I guess he's a cross-country runner, duh. He must really love the Games, I just hope the Games love him back. It seems like he's been carrying a torch for the Olympics forever.
Even though I consider myself an expert, there are some things about winter sports that I don't understand. I watched curling for way longer than is possibly healthy, and at the end of the competition, there wasn't anything the least bit curlier than when they started. And I checked everything, including their hair. We're just going to have to take their word on that one.
I also watched an event called the "half pipe," which was extremely entertaining. After seeing all the contestants together, it was impossible to figure out who smoked the other half.
One thing I've noticed is that the Olympics are a lot more non-gender anti-quasi-inclusive now. You have a whole team of bi-athletes, and I'm told that they have guns. Also, how long until two dudes take the ice in the Olympic pairs competition? "Sorry Mr. Pence, I guess you didn't realize when you invited us here to your house in Washington, but we are manned, tanned and love Streisand! Also, sorry about your carpet- I guess we should have taken our skates off first."
The luge is a lot like the bobsled, only minus the bobsled. You hurtle down the mountain on your back, a wing and prayer and about 50 pounds of steel and fiberglass. If you don't want to be thought of as a total luger, the skeleton is just the thing for you. It's pretty much the same as the luge only you go down head first. It's much easier, since if you encounter any problems your head will know about it ahead of time and can warn your feet. Neither one seems like it would pass the most basic safety standards. Do these things have anti-lock brakes? I plan to keep my skeleton where it belongs, in the closet.
If you really want to get some great ratings, award the Games to New York City. Run a pothole slalom down 45th Street. Line up all the cross country contestants on the corner of Madison Avenue, and let them try to catch the M42 bus as it goes careening by the stop for NO reason. Run a short track around Columbus Circle, and long program at Rockefeller Center. Stick the Olympic flame at the top of the Empire State Building, and during the closing ceremonies, if your country has a burning fire for the Games and somebody in really good shape, he can run up there to get it.
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