ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-31-19)
We're almost a month into the new year, and I wanted to ask you how your New Year's resolutions were holding up. If you answered, "Oh crap! Thanks for reminding me!" Then I'm guessing not so good. If you didn't even bother to make any resolutions because you knew you wouldn't keep them, then that's even worse. Those brave souls who fought the crowds and the weather on New Year's Eve in Times Square certainly took the whole thing seriously, even if you didn't. They were out there for hours with no umbrellas, because an umbrella could be used as a weapon. Don't you remember when the Penguin would show up at a gala for a gaggle of rich gals, and he'd point his umbrella into the middle of the room and this pink gas would come out, and before you knew it all the ladies were on the floor and these guys with black derby hats would stroll in and fleece the entire place and clean out the wall safe? Well maybe YOU don't remember that, but the NYPD certainly does.
So, no umbrellas, and no porta-potties in Times Square either, because they could be used in a terrorist plot. All it takes is one commando to infiltrate the area and open the door to one of those things, and en entire city block could be immobilized. So you're left with hundreds of thousands of adults wearing adult diapers, and there's not even any alcohol to make it all seem festive. It's so crowded that everybody's packed in like sardines. Picture a bunch of sardines, perfectly sober, wearing adult diapers, and you'll begin to get an idea of the kind of commitment New Year's Eve takes. Plus, Times Square is a security nightmare, along with all the other nightmares I just described. Think of all the bad actors that could be on Broadway at any given time.
So suck it up and honor your promises for the new year. If you really want to work things efficiently you should line up your resolutions in November, and that way you can ask for Christmas presents that will make it easier. There is plenty of new technology out there that can help. Make the whole holiday season work together to transform you into a better person. One way to ensure that you are living up to your goal of staying more physically active is to ask for a fitness tracker for Christmas. The fitness tracker can provide important physiological feedback to you, such as the fact that you are pathetic. You can program it to monitor your heart rate, calories burned, and the number of Dairy Queens within a two-mile radius.
What about a refrigerator that actually talks to you? You can ask it to help your diet out by giving you misleading information about what's inside. "Close the door that light is right in my eye. What are you doing here, anyway? Do you realize what time it is? Well neither do I because you never set my clock. If you're here for the cookies your wife already ate them." "She did not, she's the one who told me to finish them up." "You know what? I happen to agree with the Fitbit- you're pathetic." I have a flashing message on my refrigerator that tells me when it's time to change the lettuce crisper filter. It's been flashing since 1985. Imagine if it could talk to me? What would it say? "CHANGE THE CRISPER FILTER YOU BLITHERING IDIOT." Or something to that effect.
Some people want to clean up their house and start the new year off on the right foot. There are several robotic vacuums on the market that just wander around the room all day in a random pattern and clean your rug for you. In our house the main offender is the cat, who also wanders around the room in a random pattern and soils the rug for you. I remember when my wife had this black light that was supposed to highlight where the cat was messing up the rug. She could smell the evidence but she couldn't see it. It was like an episode of "Forensic Files." I said why don't you spray the area with Luminol, and see if the cat actually committed a crime? We got the cat from the cat pound, and I have no idea what his background was. He could have been an axe murderer for all I know- every time I try to pick him up it seems like he tries to kill me. He has those retractable claws like little stilettos, but I've never actually patted him down for weapons. Anyway, the genius of these robotic vacuums is not that they pick up all the dirt so great, it's that they chase the cat around and prevent him from staying in one place long enough to do anything that might constitute a misdemeanor.
We're all living in this microcosm we call Earth, so our resolutions might actually intersect. If you have a resolution to take better care of your teeth, odds are that your dentist has the same resolution. I just bought an electric toothbrush that lets you know when you've brushed your teeth for one minute. The ADA recommends that you brush your teeth for two minutes, so I brush my teeth until this toothbrush goes off twice. I've found that it also comes in handy with my other resolutions too, so it's a win-win. For instance, I want to spend at least 10 minutes a day walking my dog, and my dog has that same resolution too. So I take my toothbrush along and brush my teeth until the timer goes off ten times. Another one of my New Year's resolutions is for other people to be nicer to me, so feel free to help me out with that one.
We're almost a month into the new year, and I wanted to ask you how your New Year's resolutions were holding up. If you answered, "Oh crap! Thanks for reminding me!" Then I'm guessing not so good. If you didn't even bother to make any resolutions because you knew you wouldn't keep them, then that's even worse. Those brave souls who fought the crowds and the weather on New Year's Eve in Times Square certainly took the whole thing seriously, even if you didn't. They were out there for hours with no umbrellas, because an umbrella could be used as a weapon. Don't you remember when the Penguin would show up at a gala for a gaggle of rich gals, and he'd point his umbrella into the middle of the room and this pink gas would come out, and before you knew it all the ladies were on the floor and these guys with black derby hats would stroll in and fleece the entire place and clean out the wall safe? Well maybe YOU don't remember that, but the NYPD certainly does.
So, no umbrellas, and no porta-potties in Times Square either, because they could be used in a terrorist plot. All it takes is one commando to infiltrate the area and open the door to one of those things, and en entire city block could be immobilized. So you're left with hundreds of thousands of adults wearing adult diapers, and there's not even any alcohol to make it all seem festive. It's so crowded that everybody's packed in like sardines. Picture a bunch of sardines, perfectly sober, wearing adult diapers, and you'll begin to get an idea of the kind of commitment New Year's Eve takes. Plus, Times Square is a security nightmare, along with all the other nightmares I just described. Think of all the bad actors that could be on Broadway at any given time.
So suck it up and honor your promises for the new year. If you really want to work things efficiently you should line up your resolutions in November, and that way you can ask for Christmas presents that will make it easier. There is plenty of new technology out there that can help. Make the whole holiday season work together to transform you into a better person. One way to ensure that you are living up to your goal of staying more physically active is to ask for a fitness tracker for Christmas. The fitness tracker can provide important physiological feedback to you, such as the fact that you are pathetic. You can program it to monitor your heart rate, calories burned, and the number of Dairy Queens within a two-mile radius.
What about a refrigerator that actually talks to you? You can ask it to help your diet out by giving you misleading information about what's inside. "Close the door that light is right in my eye. What are you doing here, anyway? Do you realize what time it is? Well neither do I because you never set my clock. If you're here for the cookies your wife already ate them." "She did not, she's the one who told me to finish them up." "You know what? I happen to agree with the Fitbit- you're pathetic." I have a flashing message on my refrigerator that tells me when it's time to change the lettuce crisper filter. It's been flashing since 1985. Imagine if it could talk to me? What would it say? "CHANGE THE CRISPER FILTER YOU BLITHERING IDIOT." Or something to that effect.
Some people want to clean up their house and start the new year off on the right foot. There are several robotic vacuums on the market that just wander around the room all day in a random pattern and clean your rug for you. In our house the main offender is the cat, who also wanders around the room in a random pattern and soils the rug for you. I remember when my wife had this black light that was supposed to highlight where the cat was messing up the rug. She could smell the evidence but she couldn't see it. It was like an episode of "Forensic Files." I said why don't you spray the area with Luminol, and see if the cat actually committed a crime? We got the cat from the cat pound, and I have no idea what his background was. He could have been an axe murderer for all I know- every time I try to pick him up it seems like he tries to kill me. He has those retractable claws like little stilettos, but I've never actually patted him down for weapons. Anyway, the genius of these robotic vacuums is not that they pick up all the dirt so great, it's that they chase the cat around and prevent him from staying in one place long enough to do anything that might constitute a misdemeanor.
We're all living in this microcosm we call Earth, so our resolutions might actually intersect. If you have a resolution to take better care of your teeth, odds are that your dentist has the same resolution. I just bought an electric toothbrush that lets you know when you've brushed your teeth for one minute. The ADA recommends that you brush your teeth for two minutes, so I brush my teeth until this toothbrush goes off twice. I've found that it also comes in handy with my other resolutions too, so it's a win-win. For instance, I want to spend at least 10 minutes a day walking my dog, and my dog has that same resolution too. So I take my toothbrush along and brush my teeth until the timer goes off ten times. Another one of my New Year's resolutions is for other people to be nicer to me, so feel free to help me out with that one.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment