ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-17-19)
Already, really dumb things are happening in 2019, so I had better get through covering 2018. Here are the rest of the news items from last year that you swore you didn't have anything to do with, and no one believed you.
ELON MUSK LAUNCHES TESLA INTO SPACE
When I first read this headline I assumed he launched his Tesla into a parking space, which seemed a bit of overkill, but Musk is kind of a nutty guy. In fact, he launched the Tesla into outer space on top of a SpaceX rocket that was headed there anyway. Once out of the Solar System, it was discovered that there are no charging stations for the car, so it will have to make an illegal U-turn at some point. The vehicle may eventually make it back to Earth, as soon as the GPS finishes recalculating a route with no tolls.
WOMAN DENIED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PEACOCK ON FLIGHT
In January a woman boarding a United flight at Newark Airport tried to bring a peacock along for emotional support, which ruffled some feathers at the airline. Isn't a peacock a bird? Why doesn't it just fly there by itself and meet you at the luggage carousel? And who's to say that the peacock didn't book the flight and bring the human along for emotional support? It isn't often you get to hear a conversation between a large pheasant and a psychologically fragile human, so let's listen in: "Okay- I really don't expect any more emotional support from a peacock than I would get from a cold pizza, but at least with you I won't have to fight for the armrest. I just want you to be there for me, man." "First of all, I'm female. And if I don't see a cup of coffee in front of me in 30 seconds I'm going to make a noise that will make your hair curl. And judging by the look on your face, you don't look great with curly hair." The human and the bird were both denied entry onto the plane.
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES APOLOGIZES TO GIRL NAMED ABCDE AFTER GATE AGENT MADE FUN OF HER
I am a very sensitive person, and I would NEVER make fun of a person who was named Abcde. Instead, I will make fun of the letters themselves, parading around at the front of alphabet as if they were something special. If those letters ever try to board a flight that I am on without a child attached to them, the airline is going to hear from me and my emotional support peacock. You can't blame parents for wanting their kids to be the first in line. Abcde will always be ahead of that kid named YOLO, not to mention children named LMFAO and NSFW. And that nice mom whose daughter was insulted because she gave her a stupid name should send the airline a letter, but which letter?
16 COWS CHASE SUSPECTED CAR THIEF IN FLORIDA
In August a group of cows helped police capture a criminal that was on the lamb. The bold bovines called for the female thief to stop, but she hadn't herd them because their voice was a little horse. The cows lassoed the perpetrator and tied three of her legs together, and for once the cow was the hero instead of the goat. And if ewe don't believe me there is police videotape to go with this.
WOMAN INJURED WHEN DYNAMITE SHE MISTOOK FOR CANDLE BLOWS UP IN HAND
Honey, who put candles in the dynamite drawer? Raise your hand if you've done the EXACT same thing. If you can't raise your hand, well then I guess we have our answer, don't we? This isn't a funny story of course, but let's all learn from this: if something you are holding in your hand has a fuse attached to it, don't light it with a match.
MOM ARRESTED AFTER KIDS FOUND HOME ALONE WATCHING 'HOME ALONE'
That pretty much says it all, but I will say that as a training device for children's survival, this film is severely lacking.
BANKSY ARTWORK SELF-DESTRUCTS MOMENTS AFTER SELLING FOR $1.4 MILLION
The shrewd shredder pre-programmed the painting's frame to tear the piece to ribbons once the gavel hit the block. That's why I always pay by check outfitted with a similar device.
NASA SPACECRAFT LANDS ON MARS AND TRANSMITS A PICTURE OF ITSELF
Folks, if you think your tax dollars are being wasted, this story should put your mind at ease. NASA has spent about $830 million dollars on the InSight robotic lander, which touched down on Mars and promptly took a selfie, despite the fact that its hair did not look great. Of course, it has other functions too, like updating its contact list and trolling SpaceX's Tesla on Twitter. The Jet Propulsion Labratory has been trying to send it instructions for the rest of the mission, but it is now wearing headphones and has not responded. By the way, I happened to notice that nobody is taking a selfie on Uranus, but don't take it personally.
Already, really dumb things are happening in 2019, so I had better get through covering 2018. Here are the rest of the news items from last year that you swore you didn't have anything to do with, and no one believed you.
ELON MUSK LAUNCHES TESLA INTO SPACE
When I first read this headline I assumed he launched his Tesla into a parking space, which seemed a bit of overkill, but Musk is kind of a nutty guy. In fact, he launched the Tesla into outer space on top of a SpaceX rocket that was headed there anyway. Once out of the Solar System, it was discovered that there are no charging stations for the car, so it will have to make an illegal U-turn at some point. The vehicle may eventually make it back to Earth, as soon as the GPS finishes recalculating a route with no tolls.
WOMAN DENIED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PEACOCK ON FLIGHT
In January a woman boarding a United flight at Newark Airport tried to bring a peacock along for emotional support, which ruffled some feathers at the airline. Isn't a peacock a bird? Why doesn't it just fly there by itself and meet you at the luggage carousel? And who's to say that the peacock didn't book the flight and bring the human along for emotional support? It isn't often you get to hear a conversation between a large pheasant and a psychologically fragile human, so let's listen in: "Okay- I really don't expect any more emotional support from a peacock than I would get from a cold pizza, but at least with you I won't have to fight for the armrest. I just want you to be there for me, man." "First of all, I'm female. And if I don't see a cup of coffee in front of me in 30 seconds I'm going to make a noise that will make your hair curl. And judging by the look on your face, you don't look great with curly hair." The human and the bird were both denied entry onto the plane.
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES APOLOGIZES TO GIRL NAMED ABCDE AFTER GATE AGENT MADE FUN OF HER
I am a very sensitive person, and I would NEVER make fun of a person who was named Abcde. Instead, I will make fun of the letters themselves, parading around at the front of alphabet as if they were something special. If those letters ever try to board a flight that I am on without a child attached to them, the airline is going to hear from me and my emotional support peacock. You can't blame parents for wanting their kids to be the first in line. Abcde will always be ahead of that kid named YOLO, not to mention children named LMFAO and NSFW. And that nice mom whose daughter was insulted because she gave her a stupid name should send the airline a letter, but which letter?
16 COWS CHASE SUSPECTED CAR THIEF IN FLORIDA
In August a group of cows helped police capture a criminal that was on the lamb. The bold bovines called for the female thief to stop, but she hadn't herd them because their voice was a little horse. The cows lassoed the perpetrator and tied three of her legs together, and for once the cow was the hero instead of the goat. And if ewe don't believe me there is police videotape to go with this.
WOMAN INJURED WHEN DYNAMITE SHE MISTOOK FOR CANDLE BLOWS UP IN HAND
Honey, who put candles in the dynamite drawer? Raise your hand if you've done the EXACT same thing. If you can't raise your hand, well then I guess we have our answer, don't we? This isn't a funny story of course, but let's all learn from this: if something you are holding in your hand has a fuse attached to it, don't light it with a match.
MOM ARRESTED AFTER KIDS FOUND HOME ALONE WATCHING 'HOME ALONE'
That pretty much says it all, but I will say that as a training device for children's survival, this film is severely lacking.
BANKSY ARTWORK SELF-DESTRUCTS MOMENTS AFTER SELLING FOR $1.4 MILLION
The shrewd shredder pre-programmed the painting's frame to tear the piece to ribbons once the gavel hit the block. That's why I always pay by check outfitted with a similar device.
NASA SPACECRAFT LANDS ON MARS AND TRANSMITS A PICTURE OF ITSELF
Folks, if you think your tax dollars are being wasted, this story should put your mind at ease. NASA has spent about $830 million dollars on the InSight robotic lander, which touched down on Mars and promptly took a selfie, despite the fact that its hair did not look great. Of course, it has other functions too, like updating its contact list and trolling SpaceX's Tesla on Twitter. The Jet Propulsion Labratory has been trying to send it instructions for the rest of the mission, but it is now wearing headphones and has not responded. By the way, I happened to notice that nobody is taking a selfie on Uranus, but don't take it personally.
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