HAVE YOU SEEN MY VACCINE?

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-28-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     It's pretty obvious that the previous administration botched every single response to the onset of the single most history-altering event since World War Two. If it isn't obvious to you, there's a pretty good chance you'll get the disease too. From masking to contact tracing to testing to messaging, you name it, they botched it. One thing they DID take seriously was the importance of the development of a vaccine to protect the population and effect the principle of "herd immunity." And the scientific community responded with a virtual race to the immunization finish line, and two very effective vaccines, with probably more on the way. If these sera find their way into enough peoples' arms in the coming months, it will turn the tide of this horrific plague and let us filter back into the lives that we mistakenly thought were hum-drum.

     As of now the virus is responsible for more American deaths than World War Two, and you're probably asking, how do you know? You're MUCH too young to have fought in World War Two. Well, I was two years-old at the time, because I was in the infantry, duh. Just kidding, I was never two years-old. But if you are a veteran of the Great War, at least you are old enough to get the vaccine, and you deserve it; thank you for your service. Just my luck, for once I'm NOT old enough for something, just when I need to be.

     Corona means "crown," and refers to those little spikey things coming out of the molecule, which looks like a pincushion on Red Bull. The virus gets into your cells and multiplies, causing all sorts of respiratory and other maladies. Imagine that your body is a show staged by Ricky Ricardo, and in walks Lucy with a goat. Lucy plays the part of the coronavirus, and the goat plays himself. All of a sudden there are 15 Lucys, singing and dancing badly while Ricky and the goat look on in horror. I'm surprised Dr. Fauci didn't already come up with this analogy. Anyway, the reason we're getting sick is because our bodies have never seen the type of spike protein that causes the disease before, so it doesn't know how to produce the proper antibodies.

     What the "messenger RNA" vaccine does is give the body a picture of a spike protein that looks just like a coronavirus, which replicates itself and causes a response in the form of antibodies. And when the body sees them again in the form of a real coronavirus, it knows just what to do. So the "message" the vaccine provides the immune system is, "here is what the spike protein looks like, and if you see one of these, whack it over the head with a ball peen hammer." Will this happen in MY body? Or will the vaccine deliver the message, "I would have given the instructions to your immune system, but you're out of toner."

     The mRNA molecule is encased in a fat cell to make it easier to enter the body, which is truthfully the LAST thing I need, since I gained 11 pounds since the start of the pandemic. Does this vaccine make me look fat? One of the vaccines is also stored at minus-70 degrees Celsius, so please thaw that thing out before you stick it in my arm, in case I forget to bring a sweater.

     Are there side effects? I saw a commercial on TV for a medication that was supposed to cure something that sounded like they just made up, and they listed the side effects as fever, dizziness, drowsiness, upset stomach and sometimes death. Sometimes DEATH? You might have mentioned that first, before I wandered off to the fridge. Even if death happens to me almost NEVER, just once or twice in all the times I took the medication, it's still going to be an inconvenience if it happens while I'm making dinner. Sometimes the ad says, "tell your doctor if you have high blood pressure." Shouldn't my doctor tell ME if I have high blood pressure? Sometimes the ad says one of the side effects is the very thing it's supposed to be curing. But in the case of the vaccines approved so far, side effects seem to be mild. A condition called anaphylaxis is statistically irrelevant, even though it sounds like someone I dated in High School, and I recall quite a few unwanted side effects from that.

     And there are some interesting possibilities on the way, such as a nasal dose for the vaccine that you inhale. If they can make the nasal dose smell like chocolate chip cookies, all those anti-vaxxers who are sitting on the fence will rip their pants climbing down from it so fast. But for the meantime, before we all have that messenger RNA swimming around in our bodies telling our immune systems what to do, keep that mask handy. Let's get the fashion industry in on it. What about a hazmat three-piece suit? How about a turtleneck sweater with a built-in gaiter? And when my name is called, I'll see you on line at Walgreen's. It's almost time to have some fun again. This summer I expect to be out on the beach with a cooler full of mimosas and my second dose of the vaccine. I'm going to jab myself in between waves and then go hug a stranger. Can antibody hear me?