2020: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-21-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
2020 was such a rotten year, I can't believe it even needs a review. I give it two thumbs down right off the top of my head, three if I could get my hands on another thumb, or vice versa. And yet important things did happen, events that will be remembered through time immemorial. Here are some that are likely to forgotten moments before you read them.

GOING TO MUSEUMS MAY INCREASE LIFESPAN
Every time I go to a museum, by the fourth exhibit my back is killing me and by the fifth, my knees are killing me. Then I have to crane my neck to peer over an entire Japanese tour group to read the English translation of something that turns out to be the fire exit plan, and by then my neck is killing me. And yet a study out of London found that people who visit museums on a regular basis had a 31 percent lower risk of early death as comapred with people who didn't. About half that percentage could be explained by the fact that most museum-goers don't live in neighborhoods where people often shoot at museums, but the other half had no readily explainable factors.

KIM KARDASHIAN FANS REFUSE TO BELIEVE HER BUTT IS REAL AFTER INSTAGRAM PICTURE
When I noticed this headline I was shocked that after seeing a picture of Kim Kardashian, anyone would believe her rear end to be imaginary. Turns out followers of the famous reality star who saw a photo of her as a teenager believe that her backside has been enhanced surgically, or possibly through the injection of a medium-sized ottoman. Kardashian, the butt of this criticism, remains impervious to the allegations, citing diet, exercise and shapewear as the reasons for her ponderous posterior, although ironically those reasons are usually credited for downsizing a derriere. I understand what she's going through, because people who viewed an Instagram post of me as a teenager have trouble believing that my college diploma is real.

STUDY FINDS THAT DOGS POOP IN ALIGNMENT WITH EARTH’S MAGNETIC FIELD
A research article in the publication, "Frontiers in Zoology" reported that dogs tend to position their bodies in a north and south direction as they are moving their bowels. So, you can take a Shih Tzu on the Tropic of Capricorn, and you can take a Cockapoo on the 39th parallel, but probably nothing will happen. I took a compass outside with me to make an informal study of my dog doing her business, and I found that my dog is the Businesswoman of the Year. I pointed her facing north and things went south in a hurry. A related study found that money allocated to study things was pooped out pretty much haphazardly.

ALBATROSSES USED AS FLYING SPIES TO DETECT ILLEGAL FISHING BOATS
Research out of France indicated that albatrosses fitted with a special satellite positioning device could detect the presence of illegal fishing vessels. The birds were originally being studied for habits that might explain their declining population, and scientists inadvertantly discovered that they were following boats that operated outside of governmental monitoring to feed on their unused bait. Most of the seabirds that were interviewed opted for a GPS voice that sounded like an albatross with a British accent. The broader question is, now that albatrosses have a GPS, will they even bother with fishing boats when they can find the quickest route to Taco Bell?

WOMAN NURTURES PLANT FOR YEARS BEFORE LEARNING IT WAS FAKE
A lady in California carefully watered her succulent and cleaned its leaves for two years until, when trying to repot it, found that it was made of plastic. She was surprised and embarassed, but the plant turned into a social media star. I have a cactus that I haven't watered for years, hoping that it too is made of plastic. I can't really pick it up and check underneath, lest I turn into a human pincushion. Even if it is made of plastic, I'm pretty sure I could kill it. The take-away from all this is that you have to pay close attention to your plant's succulence, maybe even suck on it once in a while to make sure it's real. Unlike the cactus, I was aware of my succulents' problems, but I swept them under the rug. That only made things worse, because they got very little sunlight there. Hey, by the way, has anyone taken a close look at this lady's children? Just curious.

Feel free to research these stories on your own, although it also might be true that you've heard way too much already. I'll be back next week with some more important stories of 2020.