2020: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-28-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 

     You probably think you're pretty well-informed, read the "New York Times" and watch Fox News, even pick up "Popular Mechanics" every now and then. While I wouldn't brag about that, it would be worse if you went around picking up mechanics who weren't even that popular. But I bet you haven't heard these stories, because you don't look under the same rocks as I do. Here are more highlights from 2020.

MAN ACCIDENTALLY EJECTS HIMSELF FROM FIGHTER JET
     A 64 year-old French man whose colleagues arranged for him to fly in a fighter jet as a surprise, panicked and inadvertantly grabbed the ejector seat button, propelling him from the aircraft. He didn't even have his helmet secured properly, but escaped injury when his parachute successfully deployed. This is exactly the kind of thing that worries me when I drive my wife's new car. Nothing in it is labelled, so I have to figure out what the little icons that are above the buttons mean. There's an icon that looks like a snowflake which I pressed once, and it did start to snow, which gave me confidence. There is also a picture of what looks like a nuclear fallout symbol, so I avoided that. There is a picture of a car seat over one switch, and even though it might be an electric seat warmer, what if it isn't? If it's an ejector seat, I'm going to go flying over the Bear Mountain Bridge, AND my rear end will STILL be just as cold when I land.

BRAIN WRAPPED IN ALUMINUM FOIL WASHES UP ON BEACH
     A Wisconsin man found what looked to be a brain wrapped in aluminum foil on the shore of Lake Michigan. He immediately called police, who definitively determined that it was not one of theirs. The man mentioned to them that he thought it was a chicken breast at first, so good thing he did not become a surgeon. By the way, if you're looking for fresh thinking, try wrapping your brains in saran wrap and storing them in Tupperware instead of aluminum foil. I wish I had discovered that brain myself, I'd take great care of it, punch some holes in a shoe box and feed it every day. And my head, I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin', if I only had a brain.

PREHISTORIC FOOTPRINTS OF WOMAN CARRYING A TODDLER BEING CHASED BY SABRE-TOOTHED CAT FOUND
     Footprints dating back 13,000 years were discovered in New Mexico that suggested the story of a woman carrying a child while trying to elude a sabre-toothed tiger, a mammoth and a giant sloth. What amazed me about this item is how much the scientists knew about this woman's comings and goings, and I wonder if maybe they were stalking her, too, but were smart enough to cover their tracks. The scientists concluded that some prehistoric events may not have occurred exactly as portrayed on "The Flintstones." By the way, I hope to have evolved enough to be able to outrun a sloth.

PARROTS IN WILDLIFE PARK MOVED AFTER SWEARING AT VISITORS
     Several African grey parrots at a British wildlife park were removed from public areas after the staff noticed them hurling expletives at the guests. Apparently, due to the pandemic more people than usual donated parrots to the park, and people in quarantine tend to curse a lot. In my fantasy, the zoo management finds out that the attendant near the parrot has a habit of swearing all the time and they bring him into the office with the intention of firing him, but it turns out he learned the words from the parrots. By the way, I have a joke: a priest, a rabbi and a parrot walk into a wildlife park. I haven't finished it yet, but the parrot swears it's funny.

MAGIC POTTY SURPRISE
     I felt compelled to include this toy in the Year in Review simply so I could review it one more time. Magic Potty Surprise is a doll that you feed special food that it comes with, and let it drink from its sippy cup. When it's done, it goes to the bathroom on its own potty. It pees glitter and poops special charms for a charm bracelet. This sounds bizzare, but it's true, and I knew girls in high school and college who suffered from similar delusions, and hence would not give me the time of day. Thank goodness I wore a watch. If you really want to brighten up your day, go onto any site where they sell this doll, and look at the reviews. One said (and I swear I'm not kidding), "Worked correctly only the first time. After the first time it clogged and will no longer pee in the potty. We have had to pour the water out of her mouth." As crazy as this all sounds, the doll might be useful in teaching children not to set your expectations too high during toilet training.

     These are the stories that captured our imagination in the year 2020. The fact that our imagination was eventually returned to us unharmed is truly a blessing.