I BEG TO DIFFER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-11-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I'm literally begging for us to disagree, because we've forgotten how to do it and we could use the practice. And after we're done disagreeing, I'd like to go on with my life without you a.) calling me an idiot; b.) taking whatever it is we disagree about by force; or, c.) killing me. By the way, I understand if you think I'm an idiot, because we can probably agree on that, but just don't call me one during our disagreement. Right now, differences of opinion are out of style, like huge shoulder pads in suit jackets.

     I was listening to Kevin Hart on Howard Stern, and he said, "We've lost the true value and understanding of my opinion versus your opinion. For example, you like coffee, I like tea. I don't hate you for liking coffee, and you shouldn't hate me for liking tea." Not only is a difference of opinion okay, it's necessary for the world to function. What if we all liked to eat the same thing? Soon there wouldn't be anymore of it, and the only thing left would be Brussels sprouts. Would a world without Take Five candy bars be worth living in?

     We always assume that our way is the best way, but that's often because we never tried the other way. I wonder why we extol cultural differences sometimes and castigate them at others. Speaking Spanish seems like fun in Spain but given the eye-roll on the American check-out line sometimes. Did you ever go to the famous museum in another country? The tour guide taught you all about the things people do in that country, and you said, "Hmm, that's interesting. So much different than the way we do it in America." You didn't say, "Hmm, that's stupid, thank god we don't do that in America," or the tour guide would have asked you politely to leave. The country. Why did you visit there in the first place? Because it was so much like America, or because it wasn't?

     We negotiate all the time, every day, without even knowing it. For instance, I ask my wife if she wants me to clean the cat box since I'm going downstairs, and she says no, I'll do it later. And I ask her if that means she'll do it but resent me for not cleaning it as a surprise. And she says no, it's fine, she'll do it when she does the laundry. And I ask does that mean she wants me to do the laundry too, because I can do it while I'm cleaning the cat box. Also, can she please tell me exactly where the washing machine is and also the cat box. And this way we each get something out of the exchange; she feels good about herself for keeping the place nice, and I earn bonus points for asking if she would like me to do something that I am clearly not qualified to do anyway. The cat gets something out of it too.

     I read an article by a man who was the top hostage negotiator for the FBI. He talks about the person you're negotiating with as your partner, just like when you're dancing. Not like when you're dancing with ME, because then you're an escapee. But whom most people would refer to as an adversary, he views as the person who will help you get some of what you want. Not all of it, because a successful negotiation means you BOTH get something. And you both give something. The person you have this exchange with is someone you need, not someone you scorn. If you learn about the other side, you're more likely to understand their motivations. If you make it clear that you're not out to deceive or exploit them, it's easier to get what you want. If you make it seem like their idea, so much the better. I remember how comedian Adam Corolla once described the negotiation ritual of an average couple's love live: I do something I don't like for 15 minutes, you do something you don't like for 15 minutes, then we go watch "The Bachelor."

     Remember when you were younger, and the girl next door said, "I know you are, but what am I?" And you said, "I'm the ball and you're the glue- whatever you say, goes right back to you." And she said, "Takes one to know one," and you said, "I see England, I see France, I can see your underpants," and she said, "Your Mother wears army boots," and you said, "She was in the army. By the way, can you remember what we were arguing about?" If you're like me, chances are you outgrew these childish taunts soon after graduating college. The fact is that sometimes the objective of the argument is obscured by the perception of winning or losing.

     I'd like to believe that a new day will come soon, and we can go back to having a dispute without calling each other names, although I'm not sure what else we would call each other. Everything eventually comes full circle and someday, having a civil debate where we learn something about each other will be back in style. And when that day comes, please don't make fun of the size of the shoulder pads in my suit jacket.