SHOPPING FOR AMERICA

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-16-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I read in an article in the New York Times that a woman, Senator Patty Murray, now chairs the powerful Senate Appropriations Committee. And that a bipartisan subgroup of female lawmakers is intent on getting together and slashing red tape to arrive at real budget solutions. And that the purse-strings of America are being controlled by people who may well carry an actual purse. 

     Maybe it will be good for the country to have women in charge of appropriating things. I accused my Mom of it all the time when I was growing up. "MOM- where did you put my sneakers?" "You mean THOSE sneakers sitting there? They're right where you left them." I could swear I didn't leave them there but I didn't, so it wouldn't go on my record that I accused my Mom of theft, failed to properly dispose of possibly hazardous material AND swore.

     If there are no men in this little sub-panel, at least there won't be the possibility of inappropriate comments at the Appropriations Committee. Things like, do you prefer memos or briefs, or comments about what an itty bitty committee it is.

     There is an air of optimism surrounding the idea of a female-led council, the thought being that men are capable of wasting a lot of money on expensive toys that don't even work properly. A widely-reported episode of a $5 billion-dollar boondoggle surfaced in 2004, regarding Army uniforms designed for camouflage. It turned out that they were only useful if a soldier was trying to hide in, say, a field of jigsaw puzzles. When in reality all they had to do was fashion uniforms that look like Waldo, who is hard to find, or a taxicab in inclement weather, which is damn near impossible.

     If any of these women is anything like my Mom, they can find a bargain if there's one to be found. She had a little folio with a slew of coupons in it, and she would save a bundle in groceries. This what complex negotiations should look like for tactical aircraft over at Lockheed-Martin: "I'd like one of those F-22 Raptors, and I have a coupon." Do you have a 'DOD Rewards Card?'" "Yes I do." "You know, you could also save even more if you buy in bulk, and if you brought your own reusable bag." "Okay, I'll take 20 of them." "Smartly done! With the discounts and tax that comes to just $80 billion dollars!"

     Once in a while it's women who are the ones guilty of spendthrift behavior. I would go so far as to say that any money spent on kale is a waste of money. And guys, take a look in your closet. I'd be willing to bet you haven't even noticed this, but take a ruler and measure how much of that closet is devoted to your stuff, and how much is devoted to shoes with pointy toes and four-inch heels that you've never seen anyone in your house ever wear. It's almost like they walked in all by themselves, and that's why it's called a walk-in closet. Shoes with leopard print were recently spotted in my half of the closet. If I ever see a leopard with no shoes on, I know exactly where they are. Sure, most of the above is thinly-veiled sexism, but you have to admit it looks better with the veil on.

     When I was living at the condominium complex, a meeting of the condo board could devolve into chaos in a matter of minutes. Everyone thought it was a great idea to replace the lighting in the parking lot, until we found out how much it would cost. Is it really necessary to see where you're going in a parking lot? Just carry a flashlight, and once you're in your car you can turn on the headlights. If Larry, the president of our condo board, was in charge of the Appropriations Committee, America would be paying off a "special assessment" every damn year.

     Maybe men just don't understand collaboration very well. My wife went to a seminar for work, and she was leading one of the brainstorming teams. I said, "That is awesome! I hope your team wins!" She said, "What do you mean, 'wins?' We're working toward a common goal." I said, "What is the point of that? If my soccer team played your soccer team and we both kicked the ball into the same goal, who would watch?" Based on what she said after that I got the idea that if I had a brainstorm it could result in widespread damage.

     I'm willing to give these ladies a shot. I just hope they don't do what I did last time, and go shopping for America before they've eaten lunch. If they come back with $1.2 billion dollars worth of chocolate, I'll know that my best advice went unheeded.