OFFICE BUILDING

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-16-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I've always said that when the time is right, I'll know when to retire. I'll know because someone from HR will come to my office, put a different name on my door, make a frown when they notice my Judge Judy coffee cup and say: "Mr. Melén, your services will no longer be needed here. We have figured out a way to automate your job." "AH," I say, "you've developed a complicated microprocessor which integrates a series of algorithms that understands the random nature of what exactly I do." She says, "Actually, we made it from Lego. By the way, what exactly DO you do?"

     But for now I've been back working in the city two days a week as one of America's hybrid employees. I'm finding that I actually enjoy going into work on those days, it gets me out of the house and into the real world, if there is such a thing. I'm also noticing a few changes since the pre-pandemic business model.

     I notice that there are more people having business meetings on the toilet than there ever were before. Maybe I should have warned you first, but it's something that needs to be addressed. A call comes in next door and I can hear everything on speakerphone: "Where are you calling from? There's an echo in there." "I'm calling from the john- I mean John's office. And I've got a bit of a cold." "You do sound a little flushed. Anyway, just give me the straight poop on how the project is coming along. You're our number one man on the project." "I guess I'm also the number two man."

     And if you're driving in the City you should know that the traffic lights have been re-programmed. Now when you're sitting at a red light watching for the yellow light going in the other direction so you can time your getaway just before yours turns green, you've got a new surprise: there is a lag time that lets only pedestrians cross in your direction, so now you have to wait before you can almost run somebody over in the crosswalk. New Yorkers who are used to almost running somebody over immediately are not going to like this.

     You no longer have to be tested to get into my building, thank goodness. I could ace the Covid part of the test but I stressed out thinking that there might be a math section. I can't be the only one who can never remember what 9 times 6 is. I didn't get Covid, even when it was fashionable, until just a few months ago. I never sealed myself into an airtight vault or anything, and I didn't sanitize my groceries unless they really looked like they'd been up to something in the bottom of the bag. I just used common sense, and it's been so long since I used it last that I had to re-read the instructions.     

     I used to be so excited to have a a snow day and stay home from work. Now, unless a snowdrift has piled up between my bedroom and my living room I'm expected to report. Everybody wants to work from home now that we know how, and who can blame them? Well, you've probably figured out by now that I can blame them. I hate going to the drugstore and instead of a checkout person, there is someone telling me how to use the automated self-checkout machine. Which NEVER works correctly when I use it wrong. Why doesn't the person showing me how to use the machine just ring me up instead? And if I go to the hospital I don't want to find out the hard way that everybody's working from home. "Hi this is Ginny and I'm your X-ray technician for today," she chirps from a video feed. "Just position your thigh up on there on that board and flick the switch over there on the side. Perfect. Oh, I forgot to mention this, but were you planning on children in the future? I should have told you to put that lead apron on."

     Companies are trying every incentive to entice people to to the office- exercise classes, workshops, wine tastings, everything's on the table. We had a puppy day at work today, where you could interact with the little critters and let your stress melt away. One of the puppies was a lab-a-pit-a-poo looking cutie. I asked him how long he'd been doing this, and he told me he's been working like a dog the last few months, and he has to be on-site five days a week. But soon he's going to be working from home Wednesdays and Fridays. Even hybrids are going hybrid. Maybe you can teach a new dog old tricks.