HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. PRESIDENT

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-02-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Mr. President, Happy birthday to you. I have to admit, it sounded better when Marilyn Monroe sang it, and that's why I wrote it instead. As a nation, we used to celebrate Washington's birthday, and some states added Lincoln's birthday, and now we've opened it up to anyone elected to the office, and everyone gets to have their cake and eat it too, even if it isn't really their birthday. Some states do not officially observe President's Day, probably because some sourpuss in the state legislature was angry that HE didn't get the day off. This year I didn't observe President's Day, but only because I left my glasses in the other room.

     And now that it's called "President's Day," it means any president is eligible to be honored, no matter what damn fool things they did. I'm willing to celebrate some presidents, but not the loser presidents. Certainly not one that lost TWO senate races. Oops, Lincoln did that. Definitely not a president who as a general lost more battles than he won. Oops, Washington did that. I refuse to extol a president who lost re-election. Oops, John Adams did that. I guess it's more complicated than I thought.

     It made me wonder what makes an effective president. Being able to assemble and lead a competent team  would be one desirable trait. Therefore I nominate a ticket of Brian Cashman and Aaron Boone, as long as they don't raise ticket prices. Notably, Abraham Lincoln appointed a cabinet of political rivals who were known to have opinions contrary to his own. I guess it was the precursor to "The Real Housewives of the Potomac," only realer. 

     Many presidents gained empathy by overcoming adversity. Franklin Roosevelt was diagnosed with polio in his 30s, and responded by founding an institute to help people with similar afflictions. The deaths of Theodore Roosevelt's wife and mother on the same day shaped his immersion into the cause of conservation that became part of his legacy. After Lyndon Johnson suffered a near-fatal heart attack he devoted himself to the legislation of equal rights. I can understand this concept, because I overcame the cancellation of "Bosom Buddies" by trying to come up with a cure for eisoptrophobia, and I am still reflecting on that.

     A good president should have communications skills that move the constituency. A few years ago I heard a speech and it made me want to move, but that's not what I'm talking about. Sometimes just one memorable phrase sums up a president's style, such as Obama's "Yes we can," or Eisenhower's “Pessimism never won any battle,” or Donald Trump's “Without passion you don't have energy, without energy you have nothing.” It's better if I don't mention what he said right after that. 

     How do the great presidents make crucial decisions that stand the test of time? Do they rely on the courage of their convictions? Do they enlist the opinions of their trusted advisors? I don't know, I can't decide. But in the heat of battle there usually isn't time to wait around for revisionist history. 

     Is their foreign policy rooted in history, science and learning from past mistakes? Or does it sometimes seem reminiscent of plotlines from "The Avengers?" Is it consistent with itself and American core values or does it seem prone to mood swings like it's been up all night drinking espresso and cheap wine at the same time?

     Finally, a president should be able to set a good example. I've compiled a list of things a president should not do, in order to maintain the respect of the people: A president should not use all caps, or more than one exclamation point, and I cannot stress this ENOUGH!!! A president should not watch "The Bachelorette." A president should not wear Crocs. A president should not use Cheez Whiz outside the confines of the White House. A president should not be seen patronizing any business with a name that uses a "Z" instead of an "S," a "K" instead of a "C" or numbers instead of letters. A president should not use the word "amazeballs." A president should not sing "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" at karaoke. I stopped compiling the list when I realized that it was a list of everything I would do, only I do it as a joke, so I allege.

     I have to destroy this document now because it's classified. It's classified as "GOOFY," but technically that's still a classification.