PRE-GAME POSTMORTEM

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-23-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

  

     In case you were living in cave last week there was a professional football game that was played right after a pre-game show, and it was a very nice game. But let's get back to the stuff before that, and I'll run it back in slow motion for you. First, the NFL presented the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award for Philanthropy and Community Impact, which once again I didn't win. These days there are plenty of men who aren't even technically a man for a whole year, and at least I accomplished that. Then they introduced an "American Sign Language performer," and whatever words were being spoken or sung, she had to perform them. I don't know how long she was on duty for, but near the end of the game there was a pass interference penalty called against the Eagles, and I noticed some distinctive sign language being performed by their fans. I'm guessing that she might have been able to help with an interpretation.

     Then Sheryl Lee Ralph sang "Lift Every Voice and Sing," which some consider to be the "Black National Anthem." If that is true, it's simply another case of a national anthem that is REALLY HARD TO SING. If I was in charge of national anthems (and please remember this when you vote for next year's Man of the Year Award), I would make it "Row Your Boat." It's easy to sing, and even if you don't start or finish when everyone else does you can still sound like you know what you're doing.

     Then the Kansas City Chiefs took the field and their fans made a motion similar to chopping a tomahawk, designed to spill the beers of Eagles fans sitting in front of them. Then the Philadelphia Eagles took the field and their fans made a motion similar to turning over a police car (okay I made that part up, at least I hope I did). Then there was a taped segment of a hip-hop artist rapping about the various players on both teams, which was pretty much unintelligible to anyone over 37, and would have been easier to follow if performed in American Sign Language.

     Finally it was time for the national pre-national-anthem-song, "America the Beautiful," complete with two key changes, sung by Babyface and signed by a member of the Navajo Nation. I sometimes wonder if Babyface will stick with that name when he gets to be 90 or so, or if he will then switch to something more appropriate like Middleagedface.

     Then the Armed Forces Color Guard marched onto the field, preventing anybody from trying to walk off with any of the colors and saving us from having to watch the game in black and white. Then the guy who was going to sign "The Star Spangled Banner" was introduced, and it dawned on me that the pre-game show had more signers than the Declaration of Independence. It also dawned on me that sign language performers probably don't get to sign the word "spangled" very much, so I bet he was excited about that.

     Then Chris Stapleton sung a red, white and bluesy rendition of the National Anthem, which was followed by a Navy fly-over consisting only of women pilots. They shot down some balloons that were in the shape of a football out of an abundance of caution and an overabundance of ammunition. (I'm just kidding about that, at least I hope I am)

     Then winners of the Pat Tillman Award for Service tossed a coin that was so large that if you tried to put it in a Coke machine I doubt you'd get either the Coke or your coin back, and we'd never know who was supposed to kick off the Super Bowl, or to whom. Then the referees thanked everyone who wasn't previously given an award, which was only a few people.

     All of this was presided over by an announcer who sounded like God would sound like, and I bet if he said, "And anyone who doesn't order a jalapeno cheddar sausage immediately is going to HELL right after the game," at least 40,000 people would order it.

     Well, the game eventually did start, and it was great, and Rihanna sang at halftime and became pregnant, possibly not in that order, and this year I finally won my own football pool since I bought all the boxes ahead of time. None of it was anywhere near as exhausting as the pre-game was. It seemed like there was a little something for everyone, and nobody felt left out. Well, almost nobody. I happen to be an American of Swedish descent who is bad at math, and I notice that there wasn't a national anthem for that. I hope they'll remedy this in the next two years, which would make it 2027. I think.