ACCEPTING REFUSE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-4-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic  

     Last weekend was our town electronic Recycling Day, and I wish I would have caught you beforehand, because if you want to remain in a happy relationship, you should never bring up the words "Recycling Day." Since the beginning of time, men and women have agreed to disagree about exactly what is garbage, and what is simply an unused gem just waiting for the opportunity to come in handy again.

     My wife had her sights on the printer that's been sitting in my office since 2005. "You need to bring that thing to Recycling Day. It's been sitting there for decades collecting dust, and we already have quite a collection." I said, "REcycling Day? That printer is not done with its cycle yet. It's a LASER printer! The latest technology. They are using lasers in CD players, are you aware of that?"

     She said it's not going to be able to talk to my new computer, but I think it just needs to find some common ground. Like when I asked our new hire at work (who's 20 years old) to check the switching at the Big Television Network where I work, and I said I would print it out for her, and she said she'll just check it on her phone and I asked her where she would get its phone number and I realized that the more I talk to her the closer I get to retirement. I bet if I went on Compuserve I could find the exact driver for my laser printer. Or I bet a guy on eBay has it for three times what he bought it for, knowing that SOMEBODY is dumb enough to pay any price to live in the past. You'll be happy to know that I found the driver for that printer. ME. I'm the driver that drove it to Recycling Day.

     My wife said, "We have three toasters in the attic, you can take them too." "Hold on just a second here. You have to have at least one backup toaster, which is the '1st runner-up.'" I had made it clear to the old toaster that if for any reason the new toaster cannot fulfill its duties, the 1st runner-up shall take over." Her point that that particular toaster could not fulfill its duties when it was brand new was a pretty effective one.

     "Here is a coffee maker that I bought a million years ago, and I'm throwing it out," she said. I said, "On what grounds?" We had that coffee maker so long that I bet if you dropped it somewhere a thousand miles away, it would find its way back home. Not my cassette deck? It just needs some TLC and a new capstan. Surely there's a store somewhere called "Just Capstans," and they'll have it. Sometimes they don't make 'em like they used to because now they don't make 'em at all. I have a brand new computer monitor, still in its box. I use a laptop now, but surely someone could use it. The box I mean, not the monitor.

     She started rummaging through my musical equipment: "What about this?" She asked. "You want me to throw away my precious compressor/limiter? It's probably worth $200 bucks on Craigslist." My wife answered, "You can't even sell it as used equipment because you never figured out how to use it." The bottom line is I ended up with a car full of TVs, electronic gadgets, recording gizmos, coffee makers and toasters, all at least two decades old. I drove the exact speed limit, because if I were ever to be stopped by the police, I know how things would go:

     "Mr. Melén, here's your license and registration back, and by the way that's a great photo of you (HEY HEY- It's MY fantasy, okay?). We're stopping you because there was a strong-arm robbery in the area, and you fit the description." I say, "A strong-arm robbery? Well thanks for noticing- I HAVE been hitting the gym pretty hard lately." "And we think you have outstanding warrants." "Outstanding you say? Well thank you very much again. I try, I really do." "What's all that stuff in the back of your car?" I say, "It's a bunch of electronic equipment, and it all still works just fine." "Maybe you wouldn't mind coming with us, we'd like to interview you as a person of interest. There was a cat burglary in 1998 and this looks like it might be the stuff that was taken." "A cat burglary? I think you must be mistaken, ours is STILL THERE. I can go back and get it. But gosh, an interview as a person of interest? I guess I'm more interesting than even I thought!"

     But that's my life for you: my printer, which still works fine if you have a computer from the turn of the millennium and has never thrown up in any room, has to go. And the cat, which by the way has never worked, is still there.