THE RAT RACE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-11-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic  

    When I started my career in Manhattan after college in the 1980s, people congratulated me that I was now in the "rat race." Which was true, because there were so many rats that you had to win the race just to get a seat on the subway. For a while you didn't hear much about rats, or maybe there were just too many other problems to focus on. But they're back, and in such numbers that the Mayor of New York has appointed a "rat czar." I guess she is technically a czarina, and her name is Kathleen Corradi. If she is successful she could go down in history Kathleen "The Great," or Kathleen "The Terrible," depending on if you're a rat or not.

      If you are just entering a career in politics, and you start out as "rat czar," I wouldn't expect to rise past the rank of, say, alderman, whatever that is. You could try expanding the post to "rat, lion and kangaroo czar." That way when someone complains that they still have rats you can say okay, but if you haven't seen any lions or kangaroos during the garbage strike, you're welcome. Ms. Corradi is planning to introduce a "rat mitigation zone," which is the type of phrase you might use if you're planning to make politics your career, so maybe one day she will be an actual czar.

 

     Rats are the stuff urban legends are made of. Everyone has heard stories of rats coming out of the toilet, but I'm not convinced. No matter what kind of animal I was, there is no place I need to go so badly that I would try to get in through a toilet, except maybe a toilet. I remember a few years ago there was a picture in the paper of a rat dragging a slice of pizza up the stairs, but I can't believe that a piece of pizza would survive long enough in New York for a rat to get his hands on it.

 

     Back in the days of pirates, there was a myth that a cat on your ship with six claws would catch more mice than one with the usual five. I don't see how, unless he steps on each rat's tail with one of his toes, like in a "Tom and Jerry" cartoon. Although I bet if humans had six fingers, that slice of pizza wouldn't have ended up on the ground in the first place. 

 

     Even in the suburbs we are not immune to rodent problems. We bought an expensive heater for our pool, since when our house was built, years before we moved in, the builders must have asked, where should we put the pool? And somebody said, why don't you stick it where the sun don't shine? And that's exactly where it is. So we had a heater installed, and within two years mice had chewed through the wire harnesses, and now the wires are running around unharnessed and the heater doesn't work. One of my friends said (after the pool heater's funeral of course) that we should have put moth balls inside it. And I said MOTH BALLS? It would have been easier just to put the whole moth in there. If wire harnesses were horrible-tasting I could have saved five thousand dollars.

 

     If you don't like  rats so much what about his cousin? He has feet like a duck, wet fur, a face like hairy first baseman's mitt with buck-teeth and a weak chin and a tail like a ping pong paddle. And by the way it's your State Animal. Just about any other rodent is more popular than a rat. Take squirrels or bunnies for another example. If you took away the furry tail it's basically a rat. I don't know why one rodent is anathema to the human race and another the cutest thing on four wheels, but that's just the way it is.

     Not everyone hates rats and some people keep them as pets, the kind of people whom keeping a rat as a pet is not even the thing you're most likely to whisper about them. They argue that rats are intelligent, affectionate and easy to take care of. I guess it's not THAT crazy, I keep fish as pets, and when a fish curls up in your lap you end up with a wet lap. I wouldn't be surprised if the new rat czar is spending her days trying to dream up more humane ways to deal with them so people don't complain about her on social media. And we'll build alternative rat housing for them, with all the pizza and wire harnesses they can eat and my rat tax will go up. You really want to get rid of rats the easy way? Call in the mob, they know how to deal with a rat. You're welcome.