BLAME IT ON RIO

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (09-01-16)

     A couple weeks ago Rio de Janeiro, a city awash in political scandal, Zika virus, rampant crime and economic upheaval, encountered a new problem it hadn't accounted for, and its name was Ryan Lochte. In the murky morning haze following a binge-ful bender, something happened at the intersection of alcohol, youth and invincibility when Lochte and three other swim team members stopped their taxi at a gas station.

     Or maybe it didn't happen. Was it a mugging? An extortion? A robbery? Or was it a case of some young athletes expecting to participate in the 4 x urinal relay, and possibly the restroom was locked? His exaggerated account of the details was disputed by footage from security cameras. Can you imagine what Ryan Lochte does when there are no cameras around? The answer is: Nothing. What a waste of time that would be.

     If it's all some sort of cry for attention I can't figure out what for. Not only does the guy have every medal short of the purple heart, but he's so unnaturally good-looking that he is probably invited to participate in breaststroke events that I don't even have a joke for.

     He had several sponsorship deals that have been terminated as a result of what started out as an alcohol-fueled prank and careened into an international incident. Speedo ended its relationship with him, even though he didn't do anything wrong from the waist down. The Gentle Hair Removal company also severed ties with Lochte, but if you dye your hair gray and it turns green, it's probably about to fall out anyway, rendering the product useless.

     By the time I was Lochte's age I had been undertaking stupid stunts for many years, which continued until about two weeks ago, when I did something dumb. But nothing since then, so it was probably just a phase I was going through.

     My friends and I were just talking about a swimming-related shenanigan that we pulled as teenagers, where a bunch of us trespassed onto somebody's property to swim in Mead Lake. "Trespassing" is a pretty big word that I arguably couldn't be expected to know with only half of a high school education, plus it's in the Lord's Prayer, so I figured it must be fine. Anyway, a couple of us swam across the lake, oblivious to the fact that those who had stayed on shore had been arrested by the police.

     Nobody thought to spin it into a wild tale of intrigue, so they just paid the fine. But now that I know that blaming things on Rio is an option, I plan on trying it next time I get a traffic ticket. "There were these two dudes wearing blue uniforms, and they had guns. They stopped me on the street and made up this story about how I was going 45 miles-per-hour in a 30 zone. They looked like they could be from Rio de Janeiro, so I just complied even though I was only going 43.

     What I'm saying is, don't judge too harshly. Because he who casteth the first stone knoweth not that a photo existseth of him passed out at a frat party with his underwear on backwards waiting to be instagram-ethed.

This is your day

Yesterday was the day after election day, and it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. This is not unusual for me, but usually it's because someone punches me in the stomach. This time it was due to the kind of shame and fear that comes from other people making bad choices for me that I have no control over. Aside from a joke here and there, anyone who knows me would tell you that I am not a political person. So I'm going to get this off my chest once, then hide in a corner for four years, hopefully not any longer.

When Barrack Obama walked through the door, he was the smartest one in the room. And the coolest. Michelle Obama was a shining light by any standard. The President knew what he was talking about, and if he didn't, he didn't say anything. And now he's walking back out the door, and in his place will be an orange-colored fatuous boob. I never thought I'd refer to the president of my country in those kinds of terms. Yeah, Bush senior was a little nutty, and George W. might have been a little goofy, but I liked them as people. This is new territory, a dangerous place. America has elected to its highest office someone who says something ill-informed, self-congratulating, misogynistic and indefensible every single day, sometimes all in the same sentence.

He's a weak-minded, psychologically unstable individual who can't contain his emotions if someone says something unflattering about him, whether it's true or not. His oratory has the sophistication of a middle school debate team member. And when someone professes to know everything, there is no  reason for that person to learn anything else. They don't know what they don't know, and don't have  much interest in finding out.

If you voted for him, this is your day to shine. He's all yours, and now America can move forward, if you think that moving forward is to try to bring back all those factory jobs that robots and free trade took away, or all the other careers decimated by the internet. It's a pretty dream, but you might get a wake-up call pretty soon.

Maybe moving forward means removing health care for about 20 million people, so that when they get sick you and I can go back to paying for it instead of insurance companies. Maybe progress means concentrating more on oil, gas and coal instead of those other silly renewable technologies. If common sense gun control sounds like a good idea to you, this is not your moment, either. Have you ever sat on the parkway behind serious traffic, and car after car passes you on the shoulder, and finally you give up and do it too? That's what gun ownership is going to look like, only now the country will be more polarized and less temperate. Did you like the financial collapse of 2008? Well less bank oversight might be the progress that you voted for.

Maybe it means rolling back civil rights a good few notches. And I'm not even talking about women's rights, minority rights, religious rights or gay rights. I'm talking about the right of one person to expect another to be civil to him. Civility has been tabled. The douchebag-in-chief has already set the agenda.

Now when a horrible tragedy befalls this country, instead of turning on the TV to hear a little bit of wisdom from someone smarter than me, I have to go it alone. Because he'll say something stupid. That's what he does, and he has no reason to change, since that is what got him elected.

This feels like a win for bullying, for making fun of the less fortunate, for not doing your homework and getting rewarded for it. For body-shaming, groping and taking things that aren't yours just  because you feel like it and you're bigger. It's a victory for cutting the line.

Douchebags, dickheads and assholes, this is a day to celebrate. The overwhelming majority of people who voted for trump are not douchebags, dickheads and assholes. They're your neighbors, your friends, and that made me call my own values into question for a moment or two. That moment passed. I don't think my feelings are a mirage, and I think America's reputation will suffer damage in the eyes of the world and of its own people that will take decades to undo.

So I have to grit my teeth for four years and hope he goes away, but I don't think he'll ever go away now that he's found his people. I'm in the unenviable position of hoping he does a horrible job as president so I don't have to see as much of his bloated face anymore. I don't want him to crash the country, that would be bad. I just want him to put a huge dent in the fender so that somebody takes the keys away from him.

OLYMPIC DREAMS

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (08-25-16)

     The Olympics rolled on last week, and I took in a healthy dose of it, even though I had to forego watching dead people on Forensic Files. Once you get a taste for dead people, they're hard to give up, but that's a topic for another day. As I watched the  competition unfold I couldn't help noticing that some of the events make you question what it really means to be an Olympian.

     Children all over the world are watching the games, thinking that someday maybe they will be the best in the world at their chosen sport. Will it be handball or ping pong? You might as well hand out medals for darts or skee-ball. Fencing is essentially trying to kill a guy with a sword, which is a weird thing to dream about doing when you're a kid.

     The people who compete in gymnastics are obviously nuts. No one should ever hire them for any other job, because they obviously will NOT follow directions. Think about it: How many times when you were a kid, walking along a balance beam that was actually a tree trunk that fell in the back yard, did your Mom say, "GET DOWN FROM THERE- YOU'LL BREAK YOUR NECK!" But these girls do it anyway, and somehow they don't get their allowance docked.

     My sister and I used to do backflips in the basement onto an old couch when we were kids, and if our Mother ever caught us she would have hit us over the head with a shovel. She never caught us, and maybe that's when we turned our efforts from gymnastics to long distance running.

     Women's diving was also on last week. If I was participating they'd have to wait for me to get into the water a little at a time, takes about 20 minutes. No sense just rushing right in in case the water's freezing. There would also be plenty of other questions about why I was on the team.

     Anyway, they dive from a platform about a million feet in the air, do a bunch of flips and turns, and when they hit the water not much happens. It's a little anti-climatic. I could make a bigger splash just walking into a room with a purple tie on. But I certainly wouldn't jump in the water from all the way up there. It's not that I'm afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of what happens when you fall from them. I'm also afraid of depths, so I'll stick to sports that are played at sea level, and events where I can only hurt other people.

     I've also been watching the women's beach volleyball competition, which seems to be contested on a clothing-optional beach, judging by their swimsuits. I was wondering why the sand never sticks to their cabooses when they take a tumble. I figured it must be some type of agent that they spray on themselves. It must be a secret agent, or else I would have found out about it by now so I could spray it on the bottom of my beer cooler.

     In equestrian sports or sailing, the athlete who stands on the medals podium is just a dude riding on something else that's doing all the work. Why not let the sailboat hear its national anthem and take a bow right from its bow. Let the horse be on a Wheaties box for once.

     Maybe your child is thinking of becoming a future star in the hammer throw. Good luck finding it in the neighbor's yard when you need to fix the mailbox. Come to think of it maybe Dad threw it there.

     So kids, if you're out there, dream big. Take in those victory pictures of athletes biting into a gold medal, since they are high in fiber. I'm already looking forward to the next summer Olympic Games. They will be adding some new events, a competition where participants pass a balloon back and forth without using their hands, an egg- rolling race and a contest where athletes guess how many jelly beans are in a jar.

A GRAND OPENING

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (08-18-16)

Every couple years I always wish I had time to watch the Olympics, but I just don't. That's why I usually end up apologizing to my boss that some stuff didn't get done because I was watching the Olympics. I checked out the opening ceremonies, which were riveting, because I love the pageantry. I don't know exactly what pageantry is but I love it.
     My favorite is the "Parade of Nations." People walked into the arena from every country in the world, which was already amazing because not every country is within walking distance. There were oddly-dressed people on large tricycles leading each country's team in, people that looked like they would have been asked to leave if it were anyplace other than Rio. I felt like a character in "Alice in Wonderland," only I had eaten the wrong dosages of things. Sometimes it looked like a group of people had wandered in looking for Pokémon Go. Other times it looked like Pokémon had already gone.
     The athletes were videotaping everyone in the audience, and everyone in the audience was videotaping the athletes. There wasn't anyone in the arena with more than one eye showing. Which is sad because if you think about it, this is basically the cream of the crop of the human race; just about everyone on the floor of the arena has achieved great feats through their body and skills. Hardly anyone was there because of their great personality.
     Some countries were so small, they only had a couple athletes, maybe a ping-pong player and a guy who is really good at playing the trombone, which is not a recognized Olympic event, at least not yet. I don't want to seem like more of an ignoramus than usual, but there are so many countries that you just flat-out forget are even out there.
     Djibouti, for instance. The harder I try to pronounce it correctly, the harder I get slapped in the face. This might be a case of people assuming things about me that are primarily true. The Luxembourg team promenaded through the arena. That's a place where you always feel like you overpaid for something, but I can't put my finger on it.
     Spain entered, wearing Panama hats that made them look like they just came from somebody's 50th birthday party. Chinese Taipei was there, a country smart enough to include their blood type right in the name. You never know when there might be some kind of mishap with the javelin throw or something.
     Samoa, where they make great Girl Scout cookies by the way. Micronesia was represented. You have to root for their country to grow so you can at least see it. Kazakhstan had a team. I tried to use Kazakhstan in Scrabble once but it wasn't in the Scrabble dictionary and I lost my turn, so I am rooting against them, obviously. France strolled in wearing some slightly goofy-looking outfits. Those bon vivants looked like tourists for once.
     The president of the Olympic Committee gave a speech. I was watching it on television in a bar, and my Spanish language lip-reading isn't as good as it could be, but it was obvious to me that he was quoting from a Michelle Obama speech from 1998.
     There wasn't one person there who didn't look like they were having the time of their life, and that alone was refreshing. I heard all these stories that Brazil was in shambles, and the corruption, and the zika virus, and the pickpockets, and the doping scandals, and the blah-ba-di-blah-ba-di-blah. As each delegation walked in, and no one said the word "Trump" even once, I realized that Rio might not be so bad after all.
 

ACING THE COURSE

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (08-11-16)

     I read here in the Record that Somers native Rachael Goldstein is competing in "American Ninja Warriors," one of my favorite television shows. It's a program that pits ordinary people against a series of tests of strength and agility. These events have names like "Salmon Ladder" and "Jumping Spider," which you can try to order at a Chinese restaurant just for fun.

     I love the show because it reminds me of a time about 30 years ago, when I was flipping through the channels with the remote control. I noticed this show where two dudes were poking at each other with a huge Q-tip. That got my attention. Then this gal who looked like she had blown her hair out for another 20 minutes after it was already dry started hunting people with a gun that shot giant Q-tips. I couldn't help thinking that this show could REVOLUTIONIZE aural hygiene.

     The show was called "American Gladiators," and it starred an assembly of steroid-swilling ex-football players and female body builders who vied against two guest competitors in various games and contests. I became addicted to it for six years, until I finally got myself into a 12-step program, where I took 12 steps away from the television and went into the kitchen, where I discovered Dove ice cream bars.

     At the end  of the show the two contestants would line up to run through an obstacle course with hand bikes, blocking dummies, rope swings and a balance beam. If you fell off the balance beam two female gladiators were waiting for you in a "penalty pit," and one of them would whack you over the head with a ball peen hammer and the other one would give you a wedgie.

     Rachael Goldstein apparently trained for only four months to be a Ninja Warrior. She successfully jumped across a bunch of rubber doohickies, swung on a rope, held onto a large cylinder attached to a huge key ring, ran across a bunch of massive ping-pong paddles, jumped on a trampoline and grabbed onto a giant wheel which she tried to spin with her hands, but that some weasel had sabotaged so that she couldn't get a good grip, and so she fell off.

     These are not just a bunch of useless skills, like math. Let's say you're out in the jungle of Costa Rica, and I mention Costa Rica because I saw a hotel there with THREE gorgeous swimming pools, and I can picture myself on a lounge chair, laying out in the golden sun, complaining that they don't have any Coors Light. But let's say the pools are on the fritz, and so there you are in the jungle, holding onto a log that's rolling downhill. I suppose you could just let go of the log, but then you'd have to walk all the way down the hill.

     Or let's say the tiki bar is closed and you're out in the jungle again, being chased by a three-toed sloth. First of all, if you can't outrun a three-toed sloth you're a complete idiot. But let's say this one has four toes and runs super fast, and all of a sudden a cargo net appears, which luckily doesn't have any cargo in it. So you zip up that cargo net like nobody's business, not realizing that a sloth climbs MUCH faster than it runs. Either way, you are sloth chow, so bad example.

     They also have this thing called the "warped wall," which was invented when we hired a contractor that we hadn't completely vetted. We might have gotten him from Angie's List, but it could have been her grocery list or something.

     Anyway, I actually saw Rachael's run on "American Ninja Warriors," and let me say she did REALLY well, finishing four challenges before falling off the "Wheel of Doom," which is a name I just made up. By virtue of her successful appearance in the American Ninja regional qualifiers, Rachael Goldstein will be moving on to the next round, so congratulations! I will be watching for her, and if they could find a way to work a giant Q-tip into the show they could kiss waxy build-up goodbye.

HILLY AND BILLY TAKE PHILLY

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (08-04-16)

     Last week it was time for the Democrats to have their say. Hillary Clinton energized the party by choosing her running mate. To capture the chemistry of the moment, she did it through Twitter, tweeting, "I'm thrilled to announce my running mate, @TimKaine...." She went on to say that she has known him for a long time, and that they are such good friends that she often calls him "@Tim," and sometimes just "@."

     When they appeared together, they showed perfect unity by conversing in two different languages. He spoke fluent Spanish to the crowd, and she smiled, hoping that he wasn't saying anything unflattering about her hair, which he would have had every right to do. Her eyes lit up when he said something that sounded like "burrito."

     They gaveled in the convention by accusing the Russians of stealing their emails and publishing them. What they should have said was the the Russians also wrote them. Every time I send an email at work that somebody might not like, I always sign "Vladimir Putin" at the bottom, in case it doesn't go over too well.

     The proceedings started with some disunity, to be sure. Bernie Sanders supporters were so disappointed that Bernie Sanders wasn't going to be their nominee, that they even booed Bernie Sanders, for not being their nominee. It seemed like they had just found this out, and they booed everything that happened from then on. It was a little like a Knicks game.

     Michelle Obama delivered a rousing and emotional speech that set the tone. If Melania Trump liked the one in 2008, she's going to LOVE this one. I don't know if Mrs. Trump is going to be speaking anytime soon, but if she happens to mention that she has two black daughters playing on the White House lawn, it would make me suspicious.

     Vice President Joe Biden used words like "malarkey" to show that Donald Trump is out of touch with the times. He then warned the delegates not to take any wooden nickels.

     When it came time for Hillary's speech I braced myself. Whenever she talks in front of large groups, she tends to raise her voice as she gets more excited, and it sounds like she is yelling at me for not cleaning my room. And as a result, even when she is in the middle of an oration about the economy, or foreign policy, I go and clean my room, and then I can't find anything for two weeks.

     If Secretary Clinton is elected she will have to overcome an appalling lack of any sense of fashion. One outfit she has worn appeared to be similar to the uniform of the Communist Party from the 1950s. Another time she wore an orange ensemble that made her look like she was incarcerated in a pumpkin patch. Once she wore what looked like really uncomfortable pajamas and a hat. If you need one reason to vote for Hillary Clinton, consider this: these clothes MUST be confined to the White House. If she loses the election she will probably donate them to charity, and we will be forced to feel sorry for underprivileged ladies wearing $22,000 designer pants suits. If there isn't an organization called "Clothing for the Blind," perhaps there should be.

     I don't have a crystal ball, and I can't tell you if Hillary Clinton and @TimKaine will be elected in the fall. And if I could see into the future, I would be concentrating on whether the Giants look like they finally have a running game or not. But I do know that if Hillary Clinton is president next year, my room will be a whole lot cleaner.

MAKING PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS GREAT AGAIN

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (07-28-16)

      So I was flipping around the television last week, and what did I find? A new reality show starring DONALD J. TRUMP! From what I could see, the premise of the show ist that he runs for President of the United States, and he tries to get people to vote for him by insulting them! It was on every night last week, and I couldn't take my eyes off it!

      His wife, Melania, showed up and gave a speech that summarized many familiar Republican values. They were so familiar that I remembered them from 2008, when they were valued at the Democratic Convention. She told the audience that "you work hard for what you want in life," and if you don't want to work that hard, you can just copy stuff. Those are the values that got me through elementary school, when I had to do a book report and just basically copied it from the World Book encyclopedia. I would have copied this column too if I could find our World Book encyclopedias.

      Melania is from Slovenia, or it could be the other way around. She delivered her speech with the kind of rousing flourish seen at beauty pageants when they ask the contestant a question about current events. She showed up in a white monotone dress, and you can fill in your own joke here if you want. Up until now she hasn't said much, and seemed as if she was treating her husband's campaign as something he was cooking up in the basement and would have to clean up himself when it was over.

      Then former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani came out, and he yelled a lot and looked like he might blow a fuse and all the lights would go out. Ted Cruz came out and implied that you might be better off voting for somebody else. Chachi came out, and said Donald Trump was the man he endorsed, since Scott Walker wasn't in it anymore. Then the guy from Duck Dynasty came out, or it might have been the guy from ZZ Top.

      Then Trump came out, and he was standing on this huge platform, so IN YOUR FACE to everybody who said he didn't have one. Trump repeated his vow to have a wall built around America, and that he's going to make Mexico pay for it. We had a wall built next to our driveway, and you know who built it? Three Mexicans, so maybe Trump is right about that. I think it would be cheaper to build a moat, fill it in with a garden hose, then put alligators in it. But then you would need a wall to keep the alligators from coming over.

      Trump painted a dark and bleak picture of America, a place that no one would ever want to live, including terrorists and illegal immigrants. So he already fixed two problems by the end of the speech! America is great again! By the way, Trump owns the trademark to "Make America Great Again," so if anyone else tries to make America great again, Trump can sue them. He also mentioned that the current administration has done nothing to curtail the proliferation of ISIS. He promised to build a wall around ISIS, and have Mexico pay for it.

      I read that a female protester was arrested for interrupting Trump. If interrupting people were a crime she would have had to show up at Sing Sing to interrupt him. She stood up and shouted, "Build bridges, not walls!" Whereupon the president of Mexico stood up and shouted, "And pay for them your OWN damn self!"