A GAGA HOOPLA

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (02-16-17)

     Last Sunday America sat in disbelief, wondering how in the world it came to be that what we all thought was going to happen, did not happen. America has been doing this a lot lately, and it's exhausting. I was so completely flabbergasted that I ran out of flabbergas and had to go get some more. It was a nerve-wracking football game that kept interrupting all the festivities and wasting everyone's time.

     It cut short a performance of the National Anthem by country star Luke Bryan, I'm not sure which country. Did you know that the Star Spangled Banner has four verses? After the bombs finish bursting in air, the song goes on and on, to foe's haughty host, foul footstep's pollution, the terror of flight and the gloom of the grave. We didn't get to hear any of that.

     The owner of the Atlanta Falcons, who is a tyrant and an ogre, jinxed himself by forcing his employees to attend the Super Bowl in person, thereby depriving them of the chance to watch the Super Bowl commercials on television, which are the best part.

     Lady Gaga performed at halftime. It started out quite badly, because she apparently could not find the entrance to the stadium, and had to jump in from the roof. First though, she sang "God Bless America" while brightly lit unmanned craft flew above the Houston skyline. They flew around for a while, delivered some stuff for Amazon, took out some enemy targets, then formed an American flag. Already amazing was the fact that Lady Gaga convinced a bunch of drones to all do the same thing, which is essentially the opposite of Congress.

     She pretended to fall from an opening in the roof onto a stage in the middle of the field. She was suspended by wires in midair for about two minutes, and she looked like she was having so much fun she didn't want to come back down to Earth. Her suspension was much shorter than Tom Brady's, but she used the time much more wisely, flying around and doing backflips.

     Then she pretended to sing, peeling off an article of clothing after each song. I once saw a similar act in New Orleans, but the singing wasn't as good. Some body shamers came out of the woodwork on Twitter, because Lady Gaga had a piece of skin that wasn't accounted for, peeking out of her bikini space suit. Let me say that there are so many out-of-shape body shamers on Twitter that they had to expand the woodwork over there. Let's see how THEY look in a space bikini. I'm not sure what beach Lady Gaga was on her way to, possibly the Sea of Tranquility, but I bet there was hardly any traffic.

     There was a posse of dancers behind her, and one of them came up behind her and picked her up, possibly carrying her to the trunk of his car. From above, the camera showed a crowd of people carrying lights and forming what looked like a map of my Verizon phone coverage. There were a lot of pyrotechnics, and many things blowing up, most notably, the Atlanta defense.

     Then Lady Gaga caught what looked to be a severely under-inflated football, and then fell to her death, unless somebody had the foresight to put an air mattress under her, hopefully she's okay. Football is a dangerous sport, but it's nothing compared to halftime.

A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (02-09-17)

     Like many Somers residents I am interested in what's going on in the universe, so I tuned in the Miss Universe beauty pageant, and now I feel better informed. I watched with my wife and I didn't want to seem shallow, so I made sure to critique only the contestants' outfits, and whether the girls had nice personalities. During the swimsuit competition, their personalities were peaking to an all-time high, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

     Trump used to own the Miss Universe pageant, but sold it because he knew that when he was inevitably elected the leader of the free world, he'd never be able to host the pageant in America. Due to the travel bans, immigration bans and other policies, the only people left to compete in the Miss Universe pageant would be angry, unemployed white men. With good personalities, though.

     The evening featured a full schedule of events, including swimwear and evening gown competitions, a "Final Question" and "Final Look," which sound like they should be held at a funeral parlor. Steve Harvey hosted again, poking plenty of fun at himself for last year's debacle, when he mistakenly named the wrong winner at the end of the contest, only to have to correct himself, leaving two countries furious at him. "Body activist" Ashley Graham was the backstage host. I have always wanted to be a "body activist," but I have a hard time activating it.

     The swimsuit competition demonstrated how women would look if they wore high heels to the beach. It appeared that some of the ladies had extensive work done, and one looked like she contained more plastic than my local recycling center. The musical performer was Boyz II Men, aged to something more like Men II Old Men.

     There was a final question at the end, and all three women asked for an interpreter. My wife pointed out that it was a ploy so that they can have more time to formulate an answer even dumber than the one they first thought of. If it was me I would have answered every other word in English and the rest in my native language, and see if I could make smoke come out of the translator's ear. It looked to me like the translator was adding some stuff on his own, and I thought I heard some disparaging remarks in Italian about the craft services table.

     The winner was Miss France, Iris Mittenaere, but runner up Miss Haiti was ready to run up and yank the crown out of her hand at a moment's notice if Harvey botched it again. When it was clear that he didn't, she had the same look on her face that I did on November ninth.

     What will the Miss Universe pageant of the future look like? The use of artificial intelligence might make the Final Question easier to bear, as would the use of any intelligence. To prove that the contestants are beautiful inside AND out, maybe they will make an M.R.I. available. Perhaps someday there will only be virtual contestants. Siri, Alexa and my GPS lady might be in it, who knows? And when Steve Harvey asks the interview question at the end, they'll probably answer pretty much as they do today: "I am sorry, I am unable to understand the question."

A NARRATION OF AN INAUGURATION

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (02-02-17)

     Last Friday millions, possibly thousands, looked on as America installed its 45th president. With all the pomp and circumstance Washington could muster, a full day of activities highlighted a peaceful transfer of power in the world's premier democracy.

     Clerics from several different faiths offered words of prayer, but they all said pretty much the same thing: "God help us." A chorus performed an inspiring original piece. Then Senator Chuck Schumer offered some historical insights. When he found out the oath of office had to be administered before noon, he started to filibuster by backing up the history lesson to Adam and Eve. Finally, the new president was sworn in, using two bibles in case one was not enough. I did some swearing myself.

     Was Trump's speech unifying? That's what all the television commentators wanted to know. Some said it was unifying, and others said it was not unifying. They were not unified as to whether the address was unifying, so I guess it was not, which violates the "One America" policy.

     Melania Trump looked graceful and radiant, buttoned up in a stylish blue outfit that appeared to be designed to ward off any possibility of air. I don't know a whole lot about her, but she is reputed to be highly intelligent and can speak seven languages. I'm guessing she knows the word "miserable" in all of them.

     She has that same look on her face that my mother did when people would ask her what Rick was working on in the basement, and she replied that I got a chemistry set for my 14th birthday. I might be working on a cure for cancer, but more than likely I was down there trying to figure out ways to blow stuff up. Melania looks like she was wishing it was only a chemistry set that Donald had got his hands on.

     Former President Obama sat watching the inaugural address as Trump excoriated just about everyone within a three hundred-foot radius, and looked like he sat on a thumbtack.

     The day after the inauguration, President Trump was angry that the crowd assembled for the inauguration was not as big as Obama's, and he lashed out at the media for gleefully pointing it out. It's possible that many people showed up at the National Mall expecting that there would be a food court there, with a Chipotle's or at least a Banana Republic, and left when they found out that there wasn't.

     Newly inaugurated President Trump has already been able to fulfill the most important of the short-term goals on his agenda, which is to be the president with the most tweets. On his first day in office he amassed more tweets than all of his predecessors put together. This should have made him happy, but quite the opposite seems to be true; he has ended all of his messages with the word, "SAD!" Perhaps if he added a smiley face he wouldn't be so glum.

     All of them could take a lesson from presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway, who flaunts the mien of a patient undergoing root canal treatments, and is yet enjoying it thoroughly. Since she does smile a lot, the root canal treatments were worth it.
 

NEWS, VIEWS AND BOWLING SHOES

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-26-17)

     Since we don't have Super Bowl tickets we decided to do the next best thing, and go bowling. I haven't been bowling in years, and I remember it to be good, harmless fun. The kind of harmless fun that always involves me whacking myself with a fourteen-pound bowling ball in my one good knee.

     We hit the lanes with Paul and Krista, and queue up to change into our bowling shoes. I was a little nervous following the guy who bowled before me, because I had pretty big shoes to fill. In order to prevent the possibility of infection, the guy behind the counter sprays something into my footwear, but it might have been Pam. Just to be safe he sprays some into my mouth, since I have an infectious laugh. I have to leave one of my own sneakers at the counter to deter me from walking away with the bowling shoes.

     By the way, bowling shoes are SO comfortable that I toy with the idea walking away with them and leaving my sneaker. I could go bowling twice, wearing one good sneaker and one bad sneaker, and each time I could leave the bad sneaker, and then I'd have two good sneakers and two pairs of bowling shoes. My wife notices me trying to think and yanks me away from the counter.

     Then I go to look for the perfect ball. The key with me is not the weight of the ball, or even if I can get my fingers into the holes, but rather, if I can get them back out. I don't want to end up like Mary Tyler Moore, who, no matter what show she was starring in, always managed to get some part of her body stuck in a bowling ball. Even if she was in a documentary about the end of the world she could find some way to get stuck in a bowling ball.

     What size hole do I take? I have no idea. I think I wear a size 7 glove, or is that my hat? I wanted a lighter bowling ball so I could try to hit the pins on the fly, or in case I accidentally whack it against my knee, but the light ball had smaller holes, and I could only fit one little finger from each hand into it. Plus it was pink.

     You can request gutter guards if you forgot to bring your glasses. Paul kept hitting the gutter so hard that the ball rolled back out and hit more pins than when he rolled it straight. I was wondering if the gutter guards would be armed.

     This is something that happened about 800 times: I rolled the ball EXACTLY in the middle of the lane, and it struck the front pin EXACTLY in the middle, and all the pins fell like they were supposed to, except for one in the back which teetered and tottered like a drunk during a D.W.I. test. Except unlike the drunk, this one didn't fall down, defying the laws of gravity and physics. I hope that pin gets sick in the car on the way home, then gets arrested for D.W.I. and breaking the two laws.

     I can never figure out the scoring. If you throw a strike or a spare, you don't know what the score is until three or four frames later. If you do something REALLY good you may not find out about it for days. Luckily a screen keeps score automatically, and a little cartoon character lets you know you got a strike, if you didn't happen to notice it yourself. If you left a few pins standing, the screen offers advice on where to bowl the next ball. In my case, it suggested two towns away.

     For once I got through the evening without banging the ball into my leg, but my back still hurts from applying excessive body English to all my rolls. Apparently I speak passable English but my body does not.

I GOT AN AMAZON ECHO FOR CHRISTMAS

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-19-17)

     The Amazon Echo is a personal electronic assistant, which are three words that never used to go together before. If you ask "Alexa" for the weather, or to play you some music, she will do so more expediently than most other methods. It looks like a small round cake, and I got one for Christmas.

     After I unsuccessfully tried to eat it, the first thing I did was to try to get Alexa into a fight with Siri. I said, "Alexa, who is the iphone online assistant, and doesn't she have a nasally voice?" Alexa lied and said she didn't know. So obviously there is some sort of code of honor. The second thing I did was to make a mental note to invite two friends over named Alexa. I think it would be fun to see which is the smartest, or get the three of them into a fight about their weight.

     Alexa is capable of making a "smart home" out of my house. For about six grand I can get a Samsung refrigerator that talks to me using Amazon Echo. The first thing I want to ask it is what is that green thing that's in a ziploc in the back of the top shelf? It's been there since the Eisenhower Administration. Or I can get an Amazon Fire TV that has interactive capability, so I can fight with yet somebody else over what show to watch. If having a "smart home" was so important to me I would simply move out, and the intelligence level of the place would go up at least 30 points.

     The Echo has microphones that are always active, waiting to hear the word "Alexa," whereupon it digitally records the following sounds, ostensibly to hear the subsequent question or command. The device has figured into a homicide investigation in Bentonville, Arkansas, where a bunch of dudes drinking and watching a football game somehow turned into a murder. Does Alexa know what happened? Was she possibly an accomplice?

     I'm not sure I want Alexa listening in every time I say I want to kill someone. That is going to be very time-consuming for her, and I want her to concentrate on important things like helping me find out who the hell Brian Eno is, so I can complete the Times crossword. I don't want Alexa subpoenaed as a witness in my murder case, and have to look at an artist's rendition of that smug little hockey puck sitting in front of a microphone, with me looking on in consternation that the courtroom artist has made my hair look like crap.

     Sometimes the Echo lights up by itself without anyone calling it, and then turns itself off, like it was going to add something to the conversation but thought better of it. Yesterday we were in the kitchen, and all of a sudden we hear Sinatra music crooning away in the living room. Alexa was having some kind of romantic moment that didn't include anyone else, unless you count Sinatra. I've certainly had to be creative with romantic moments from time to time, but I never took the extra step of providing background music.

     It makes me wonder what's going on when I'm not there. Someday when I have a self-driving vehicle, that little hockey puck is going to roll out to the garage and start giving orders to the car. The GPS lady is going to chime in, and all of a sudden they're going to decide that they're Thelma and Louise, drive of a cliff and I'm never going to see my car again. I'm going to miss her voice around the house, telling lame jokes, changing the TV channel to the shows she likes, turning the light in the fridge on and off just for fun. But I'm going to miss my car even more.

2016- THE YEAR IN REVIEW PART II

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-12-17)

The following stories exemplify the diverse nature of the kinds of topics that captured America's imagination, tied it up and locked it in a coat closet. They are so ridiculous that they have no choice but to be true.

TWO DEAD, VENOMOUS SNAKES FOUND IN PACKAGE AT POST OFFICE
In Beaver County, Pennsylvania, two dead poisonous pit vipers were discovered at a post office in a box marked as tee shirts. They probably came from Amazon, considering that the place is a jungle. My first thought is that the snakes may not be covered by Amazon's return policy. When I looked at the choices for "Reasons for Return," there was no box to check for "Snake Arrived Dead."

CAT SURVIVES EIGHT DAYS IN BOX AFTER OWNER ACCIDENTALLY MAILS HER 260 MILES AWAY
A Cornwall woman mistakenly sent her cat Cupcake to West Sussex, instead of the CDs she thought she was posting. When the cat was found days later in the post office, it displayed an expression of anger, disillusionment, and also relief that there were no pit vipers in the box. If I had known that you could "accidentally" put a cat in a box and mail it hundreds of miles away, there would certainly be less cats around my house. Further, if there is an open box anywhere in the room my cat will jump into it, proving that it is open to the idea.

BOATY MCBOATFACE WINS POLL TO NAME POLAR RESEARCH VESSEL
The Natural Environment Research Council held an online vote to name its new research ship, and the name "Boaty McBoatface" garnered 93,000 votes more than its nearest competitor. If the contest had been held in America, it is unclear whether the vessel would have been voted into the presidency. The NERC seemed relieved that voters were shown the front of the boat rather than the rear, or the name they chose could have been even worse.

CITIZEN SCIENTISTS CAPTURE VIDEO OF LARGE OBJECT CRASHING INTO JUPITER
This year amateur astronomers in different parts of the world caught video of a celestial body impacting Jupiter. Even though I know she isn't alive anymore, I swear this one sounds like an example of my mom trying to parallel park.

SPERM BANK’S ‘PERFECT DONOR’ WAS MENTALLY ILL
Georgia-based sperm bank Xytex advertised Donor 9623 as the "perfect donor," but when his name was accidentally revealed by the company, it came to light that he was a bipolar convicted felon with schizophrenia and other personality disorders. Records show that he fathered 36 children through this process, so many that the sperm bank may consider installing an ATM for withdrawals.

LIBERTARIAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE GARY JOHNSON STUMBLES ON GEOGRAPHY QUESTION
When asked during the campaign what he planned to do about the war-torn Syrian
city of Aleppo, Gary Johnson asked, "And what is Aleppo?" The interviewer, not thinking on his feet, missed the opportunity to inform Johnson that Aleppo is a cross between a leopard and a hippo. The fallout from the gaffe was immediate, and of course the American people rejected him as a contender for the presidency. Instead, they elected someone with a 140-character attention span, who said that “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me- consciously or unconsciously," meaning that they may have been napping at the time.
 

2016- THE YEAR IN REVIEW PART I

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-05-17)

Merriam-Webster has picked 'surreal' as 2016's word of the year. The following stories may be the reason why. You can look them up for yourself and decide whether you were better off not knowing about them.

‘ALIEN MEGASTRUCTURE’ STAR KEEPS GETTING MORE MYSTERIOUS
NASA's Kepler Space Telescope searches for Earth-like planets in the galaxy, because the world is running out of important resources, like chocolate. A star known as KIC 8462852 has been emitting strange light dimming patterns, causing scientists to speculate as to the reason. Some have theorized that an "alien superstructure" may be responsible, but I think it could be due to too many people using a hairdryer over on KIC 8462851. The scientists who came up with the former theory are much smarter than I am, but my idea is only slightly less goofy.

FOUR NEW NAMES OFFICIALLY ADDED TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS
In June of 2016, we welcomed four new bundles of joy into the world: Nihonium, Moscovium, Tennessine and Oganesson. You don't have to send a gift, but a card would be nice. These elements are considered super-heavy, heavier than Ozzy Osbourne's version of "Stayin’ Alive," and should be referred to only periodically.

MAN VOLUNTEERS FOR HEAD TRANSPLANT
Valery Spiridonov, of Vladimir, Russia, has Werdnig-Hoffmann Disease, which renders his limbs useless. He has volunteered for the world's first head transplant. The pioneering surgeons have listed the survival rate at 80%, same as crossing the street in Manhattan while checking Facebook. This medical feat is no easy thing to schedule, because you have to find someone willing to volunteer for the world's first body transplant at the same time. My wife has already put me on the waiting list, but whoever gets my head should be warned that my mouth will be attached to it, and I am prone to making jokes during the most serious part of a movie.

DRONE DELIVERY OF PIZZA TESTED IN NEW ZEALAND
In August, Dominos tested a drone delivery system in Whangaporaoa, New Zealand. If you've ever been to Whangaporaoa, New Zealand, it would not surprise me if a drone dropped you off there. The operation was successful, but all the kinks have not been worked out yet. If I reach up to give a tip to the drone and its rotor chops off two of my fingertips, I do not want to be charged for an extra topping.

FATAL CRASH PHOTO SHOWS SPIRIT LEAVING BODY
In Kentucky, a photograph of fatal crash site appears to show a nebulous figure near the deceased body, possibly its spirit. No charges were filed following the collision, but the spirit was cited for leaving the scene of an accident.

REPORTER STABBED WHILE DEMONSTRATING ‘STAB-PROOF’ VEST
In Israel, where small-scale terrorism is commonplace, the vice-president of a company that markets a "stab-proof" vest tested it by stabbing a reporter in the back. After the reporter was treated for his wounds at the hospital, the company said they had stabbed him in the "wrong place," a response which many in stitches. Incidentally, the vest goes with a tie that is supposed to prevent you from being pushed off of a cliff by your wife for the insurance money.

MAN SKIPS WORK FOR 6 YEARS, RECEIVES SERVICE AWARD
A Spanish water utility employee was set to receive an award for 20 years of faithful service, when it was discovered that he had not been to work in six years. Instead of giving him an award for 14 years of faithful service, the court ordered him to pay back 27,000 euros in wages. The mayor expressed surprise that "a person could be hired for years and collecting (pay) without doing anything whatsoever." The mayor had apparently never heard of the American Congress.

I'll be back next week with a further look at the year in review!