SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (11-02-17)
This year I went as "Hurricane Maria." I already had a dress for the occasion from past costumes, although it did seem a little fuller in the bosom this year, make of that what you will. I accessorized with some fiberfill "clouds," and I used a battery-operated fan and a plant sprayer to simulate actual hurricane conditions as a maelstrom of detritus and debris rotated above me. As weather systems go, if a qualified meteorologist had evaluated me I would have been downgraded from a "category 5" to a category somewhere near "personality disorder."
The costume party was at a really nice house on the Island, all decked out for the occasion with cobwebs and spiders all over the place. I realize now that my garage celebrates Halloween all year round. My wife told me there was a huge spider in the basement, and that I had to deal with it. Don't kill the spiders, I said, they eat all the bugs. She insists that a spider IS a bug, only bigger and stronger from eating a bunch of bugs. How big could this thing really be? I went down there with a Kleenex to flush it down the toilet. Turns out this spider was GINORMOUS, and it looked like a tarantula with hairy legs and everything. Might need some heavier artillery, perhaps an anti-tank gun or something. All I had was a newspaper, and it wasn't even the Sunday section. I was sheltering in place behind the pool table until I could figure out what to do, and I ended up pleading with it to spare our lives and leave us in peace, or at least shave its legs now and then.
Anyway, the party was fun, they had a band, a food table and an open bar. I like seeing people exercise their imaginations, especially people with fat and out of shape imaginations that haven't seen any exercise in a while. There were pirates, priests, witches, superheroes, monsters and ogres, all acting as if everything was perfectly normal. It was like a joint session of Congress. There were people dancing with the devil, cats were cavorting with mice, Freddie was chatting with Jason.
As I looked behind me I noticed that I was hemorrhaging little pieces of fluffy fiberfill all over this guy's house. Incidents like this are precisely the reason I don't store any data on the cloud. I had a ping pong ball shaped like an eyeball that I got off the internet sitting at the top of my costume, but it almost dropped into the baked ziti. On the floor were feathers, body parts, colored hair and bits of clothing. As the evening wore on it started to look less like a party and more like a crime scene. I was starting to get some blowback because of the plant sprayer. I thought it might be time for this hurricane to make landfall at home before the cops roped the place off with yellow tape.
I realize Halloween is just an excuse for adults to be something or someone else for a day. Maybe you've always wanted to be an astronaut. Perhaps you've always wanted a tail. Does this Grim Reaper sickle make me look fat? Yes, last Saturday I wore a lovely gown, but I wouldn't read too much into it. It's not like I had a Louis Vuitton bag to go with it or anything. That being said, Christmas is coming up and I wear a size 16 dress, just mentioning it.
I get that question every Halloween because I refuse to go the lazy
route and just buy a costume from the store. So I make my own, and the
vision I have in my head does not necessarily translate to reality.
"What are you supposed to be?" To that I answer, a little more
well-adjusted, better at math and probably too old for this kind of
thing.
This year I went as "Hurricane Maria." I already had a dress for the occasion from past costumes, although it did seem a little fuller in the bosom this year, make of that what you will. I accessorized with some fiberfill "clouds," and I used a battery-operated fan and a plant sprayer to simulate actual hurricane conditions as a maelstrom of detritus and debris rotated above me. As weather systems go, if a qualified meteorologist had evaluated me I would have been downgraded from a "category 5" to a category somewhere near "personality disorder."
The costume party was at a really nice house on the Island, all decked out for the occasion with cobwebs and spiders all over the place. I realize now that my garage celebrates Halloween all year round. My wife told me there was a huge spider in the basement, and that I had to deal with it. Don't kill the spiders, I said, they eat all the bugs. She insists that a spider IS a bug, only bigger and stronger from eating a bunch of bugs. How big could this thing really be? I went down there with a Kleenex to flush it down the toilet. Turns out this spider was GINORMOUS, and it looked like a tarantula with hairy legs and everything. Might need some heavier artillery, perhaps an anti-tank gun or something. All I had was a newspaper, and it wasn't even the Sunday section. I was sheltering in place behind the pool table until I could figure out what to do, and I ended up pleading with it to spare our lives and leave us in peace, or at least shave its legs now and then.
Anyway, the party was fun, they had a band, a food table and an open bar. I like seeing people exercise their imaginations, especially people with fat and out of shape imaginations that haven't seen any exercise in a while. There were pirates, priests, witches, superheroes, monsters and ogres, all acting as if everything was perfectly normal. It was like a joint session of Congress. There were people dancing with the devil, cats were cavorting with mice, Freddie was chatting with Jason.
As I looked behind me I noticed that I was hemorrhaging little pieces of fluffy fiberfill all over this guy's house. Incidents like this are precisely the reason I don't store any data on the cloud. I had a ping pong ball shaped like an eyeball that I got off the internet sitting at the top of my costume, but it almost dropped into the baked ziti. On the floor were feathers, body parts, colored hair and bits of clothing. As the evening wore on it started to look less like a party and more like a crime scene. I was starting to get some blowback because of the plant sprayer. I thought it might be time for this hurricane to make landfall at home before the cops roped the place off with yellow tape.
I realize Halloween is just an excuse for adults to be something or someone else for a day. Maybe you've always wanted to be an astronaut. Perhaps you've always wanted a tail. Does this Grim Reaper sickle make me look fat? Yes, last Saturday I wore a lovely gown, but I wouldn't read too much into it. It's not like I had a Louis Vuitton bag to go with it or anything. That being said, Christmas is coming up and I wear a size 16 dress, just mentioning it.
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