LIFE UNSCRIPTED

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-23-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     When I'm watching a movie, and it isn't a very good movie, I sometimes think how different the dialogue would be if I were the one saying it. People have been trying to tell me what to say for years and years, and if someone could write me some better lines I might just let them. At least feed me some suitable film noir cliches and let me pretend that I'm in the cast. That way I get free food at the Craft Services table.

     The first thing I notice in this double-crossing, love-triangle, murder-for-hire plot is that there are two guys in fedoras smoking cigarettes in the alley. The one with the big nose says to me, "Well, if it isn't Rick Melén." And I say, "If it isn't we'll have to start all over." And he says to me, "Say, look here!" And I say, "Look here!" And he says, "Say, what's the big idea?" And I say, "What's the big idea," and he says, "Why, I oughta pulverize you!" I say, "Why? Well that's what I'd like to know: Why? I was just saying what you told me to." (In the script they say "why" before they say something that isn't a question.)

     It turns out that these two are bad guys, and the plot thickens in a surprisingly thin way. My Girl says, "We have to GO! There's no time to explain!" I say, "How long was your explanation going to be? Let's use the time to find doughnuts." As we're running she says, "There's no going back now." I say, "I left my phone- I have to go back," and she says, "I'm going with you." I say, "NO- it's too dangerous for us both to go. Just you go." 

     She comes back later with a phone, but it looks different than mine so I think she just took it from the prop guy. My Girl says enthusiastically, "I feel so ALIVE! Let's take this city and turn it upside down, just you and me! What do you say?" "That sounds great," I say, "but first I have to take a nap, hit the loo and empty some stuff out of the dryer."

     At this point the guy with the big nose catches up to me and says, "Well, Melén, it looks like it's just you and me." And I say, "Look, you can do what you want with me, within reason of course. But let the Girl go, she doesn't know anything." He says, "You must be joking," And I say, "Yes, I was just joking." And the scriptwriter throws the pages into the air and glares at the director again. By the way, at NO time after I've ever told an actual joke, has anyone has ever said, "You must be joking." 

     My Girl starts crying, and I politely offer her my handkerchief. I'm hoping she does not ask, "Did you already blow your nose on this?" Because then I would have to reply, "No, and please-" but it's too late, she is already blowing her nose with it. Wouldn't you know, my allergies are acting up and I have to blow my nose too, and now I'm at a loss and I look over at the screenwriter, who has his hand covering his face, shaking his head and making some notes.

     I tell Big Nose, "You JUST don't get it, do you?" My Girl says, "Is that in the script?" I say, no but my math teacher used to say that to me all the time and I thought it might come in handy here. He says, "You've wasted enough of my time. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way." I say, "That's what I used to tell the math teacher when he wouldn't let me use my calculator." Schnozz says, "You can't make this stuff up," and I say, "Another thing my math teacher wouldn't let me do. What high school did you go to?"

     He says, "Buddy, you're in the wrong place at the wrong time." I can't believe that just once I couldn't be more punctual, because even if I was in the wrong place at the right time I wouldn't be in this mess. He says, "This time, it's personal." And he cracks his knuckles. "Not on MY watch," I say, and I close both my eyes. When I open them a couple minutes later not much has changed. 

     Well, you get the point. I'm trying to think of it myself. I guess I would say: Life just isn't always as predictable as it is in the movies. Sometimes it feels like you're driving down a mountainside with a lot of hairpin turns, but someone has tampered with the brakes, rather than just shooting you in the previous scene. Right before the car goes down a cliff and erupts in flames, you manage to throw yourself out the car door, rolling for about five minutes until you're inexplicably right next to the car. In closing, I'd just like to say, "WATCH IT, SHE'S GONNA BLOW!"