ALMOST FORGOT TO REMEMBER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-10-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     To some, Memorial Day means a weekend at the shore, or at a summer house. We decided to get away to, (wait for it), Poughkeepsie. We didn't want to travel too far or get mired in traffic, and it was going to be a rainy weekend at the summer house, and further, we don't have a summer house. Every hotel in the tri-state area was either booked or charging exorbitant rates, but we managed to find a reasonably-priced motel that appeared to a great place to hole up after committing a series of felonies. That doesn't bother me, I've stayed in great hotels, and I've stayed in lousy hotels, and the shower head doesn't come up past the small of my back in either one. 

     The crappy weather didn't stop us from going to the local tavern, and proof of vaccinations meant no masks. It was so vibrant it felt like the scene in "The Wizard of Oz" where the movie goes from black-and-white to color. The evening felt shot out of a cannon and it was a pleasure to see, but it's worth noting that 20-something girls with masks on used to screech more quietly. 

     A gaggle of them on a bachelorette's night out had me surrounded within seconds. "We're on a scavenger hunt...." "And let me guess," I interrupted, "You're looking for either an 'old dude' or an actual scavenger, correct?" "NO," they all said at once, "Is your name 'Roman?'" I'm of Swedish descent, but I suggested, "You might have to go all the way to Rome to find someone whose name is Roman, but there's a Rome right here in New York. It's about 150 miles from here." (They eventually found a guy named Roman, and I'm assuming the wedding was back on.)

     The next day's weather was still uncooperative, so we hung out at the indoor pool for a while, then ventured out to browse the Frances Lehman Loeb Art Center at Vassar College. It contains works dating from the Hudson River School to the modern masters. Highly recommended, especially for rainy days in Poughkeepsie. There was a Jackson Pollack, and I'd like to think I could do something almost as good by parking my car's leaky oil pan over a tight canvas for a couple days. Well, why didn't I? Because I couldn't fit my car through the art studio door, smarty-pants. There are also works by O'Keefe and Picasso, among many others. I always wonder what would have happened if Picasso became an architect instead.

     When it cleared up we went for a walk with Gidget-the-Dog at the Nyquist-Harcourt Wildlife Sanctuary in New Paltz. It felt good to get a little exercise, and I feel more physically fit if my clothes physically fit. The property has at least 120 species of birds and fields full of wildflowers surrounding a large pond. We saw at least four and twenty blackbirds, and also a great blue heron, and that's a lot of name to live up to.

     After we got home I realized I had lost one of my sandals at the motel pool. Maybe someday the Beautiful Princess who worked at the front desk would find me. "I know why you're here!" I'd say. "See that zucchini over there? One magical night it turned into a Dodge Dart and carried me to your motel! You see that football cap and baseball jacket? They turned into a beautiful ball tuxedo. You see those ants on the kitchen drainboard? They aren't in the story but I can't figure out how to get rid of them. You found my other sandal didn't you, and now I can live happily ever after!" She says, "No, your credit card was denied."

     This year a trip to the Art Center and nature sanctuary made for an uncharacteristically quiet Memorial Day weekend. But you don't have to have a parade or go anywhere boisterous on Memorial Day if you don't feel like it. All you have to do is remember, all by yourself if you want. Remember what it must have been like, remember what someone's family feels, remember what it was all for. And at least for one day, don't forget what Democracy looks like.
 

PARADISE BOUND, PART II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 06-03-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Jamaica properties are running at 40 percent capacity right now, a figure that is sure to rise as the country continues to dose up. But after four days we we had exhausted the available supply of restaurants so we traveled on to our next destination, Jewel resort at Runaway Bay. By now we knew what to say: "Wa gwaan" (how ya doin'?), and you say, "Mi deh yah" (I'm here, I'm good).

     SCUBA diving lessons were included at the all-inclusive water sports area, but I don't see myself poking around 100-feet below sea level looking for inhospitable vertabrates. I'm not really the adventurous type- if it were up to me to explore the seven seas, the Earth would still be flat and it would be a whole lot easier to get around on a bicycle.

     Instead, we bribed ourselves a couple of masks and snorkels, and swam the reef near the beach. If you see something underwater that looks like a purple porcupine, it's a sea urchin, so avoid it because its spines are slightly venomous. If you step on one and have a bad reaction, an old wives tale has the number one remedy, but I can't tell you what it is here (actually, I just told you).

     We saw a flatfish just sitting there on the bottom, blending into his surroundings. He looked like he was floundering, but that's kind of a compliment to a flatfish. It's a little creepy to see him looking at you from both eyes on one side of his head, but at least his heart was in the right place.

     Back on shore we joined the resort's doubles tournament, and were awarded a bottle of Kingston 62 rum as the winners, when it was determined that we were the only two people foolish enough to show up and play tennis in the 97-degree sun.

     At night the DJ came out and spun some songs to the dolled-up, mask-free, sun-burned crowd. It was the closest whiff I've had of a live bar in quite some time, and it felt good. The music filled up the room and the laser lights flitted deep into every corner. All I could think of was letting a box of cats loose in the place and then running for the hills. I was getting my mojo back. By the time 11:30 rolled around I could barely keep my eyes open. Maybe it was all that sun, or maybe I was just out of practice.

     The next day there was a letter under our door, and I knew the end of our vacation was approaching because it was time for our return flight covid test. The suspense of sweating out the result was killing me, like waiting for the responses to my college application letters. But when they finally handed me the envelope, the outcome was a whole lot better. 

     Our last evening we joined a tour to the "Luminous Lagoon," which is a rare brackish water habitat to millions of dinoflagellates, micro-organisms that light up when disturbed, in a natural light show of bioluminescence. My wife told me to snap some photos while she swam around and bioluminesced with them, but I said no way, I'll go first. Once she's had her organism, you think she'd be interested in mine? All I had to do was figure out how to disturb them. I played some AC/DC real loud, sang two verses of the "Kars for Kids" jingle, made a few cracks about their moms, but it turns out all you have to do is swim around with them, and it's annoying enough.

     All too soon it was time to wind up our vacation and fly back to Earth. I'm going to miss swim-up bars, good coffee roughly the consistency of 10W-30 motor oil, trees that look like cell phone towers that look like trees and pretending to use hand sanitizer. Eight days of fun in the sun was perfect, but it wouldn't have mattered where we went. The important thing is that we went. We're rounding the home stretch of finally leaving our homes. Get vaccinated. Join life.

PARADISE BOUND, PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 05-27-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     It's been a long 14 months of uncertainty, inactivity, canceled plans and isolation. The perfect antidote seemed like a long overdue vacation, some sunshine, a warm beach and a slight hangover with not enough symptoms to be mistaken for anything else. It finally felt like the right time.

     The Caribbean is the birthplace of a million beautiful memories, and I was more than ripe to go and look for a few more. Taking a trip to Europe, stalking around museums, booking day tours and hotel hopping will be back in style soon, but right now, an all-inclusive island paradise close to home was the ideal place to get our feet wet. If you have been dreaming of a vacation but aren't quite in the ready-zone yet, please feel free to live vicariously through mine.

     I had an eight-day stay in Jamaica planned in my head, but when it came time to make the booking I couldn't decide between two gorgeous properties, so I chose four days at each. A trip abroad in the Covid Era comes with its own challenges. The airline asks you to get there three hours before the flight during pandemics, so that they can spend  what seems like the whole extra hour looking over your negative test results while you sweat like a drug mule carrying 20 pounds of cocaine in your pants. Our plane to Montego Bay was three-fourths full, but since I'm an optimist I thought of it as three-fourths empty. There was no drunken stewardess-abuse, no anti-maskers or fist fights, and I wondered if I should start one myself to get it over with.

     Jamaica hasn't procured enough vaccine to reach the hospitality industry yet, and as a result, masks are plentiful but salt and pepper shakers are all but extinct. They pointed thermometers at me frequently, although I'm not sure how you can tell whether anyone has a fever since I felt roughly the same temperature as a grilled cheese sandwich the entire time I was there. They took safety very seriously, or as seriously as possible while chasing me around with a spray bottle of hand sanitizer.

     Our first night at Couples resort in Ocho Rios there was an outdoor buffet and a live show with a fire-eater. The band could take any song and make it sound like a great reggae song. They did a fine version of "Buffalo Soldier," although they must have forgot it already was a reggae song. I don't know what the fire-eater did after the show, but he might have been fun on a date. The kerosene breath is a romance killer, but at least he could warm up your coffee.

     If you happened to lose your luggage there is an "au naturel" beach around back. I decided to go topless on the regular beach, as I forgot my hat. Either way, sit in the sun only after 3:00 PM on your first couple days, or you'll feel like something the fire-eater just dragged in. Sunbathing is something to ease your way into.

     The next day we went out on the glass-bottom boat, and they took us to a great snorkeling spot, a vessel they had sunk on purpose to make an imitation reef for the fish. At least that's what they told us, and I couldn't swim down far enough to see if the wreck had a glass bottom or not. I told the captain to keep his eyes on the road- sinking a boat here and there is fine, but I wouldn't make a habitat of it.
     On our last day we joined a tour to Dunn's River Falls, a unique experience where you assemble at the beach and, forming a human chain, walk up natural rock steps to the top of the 600-foot falls with the water cascading around you. It was a lush setting, and I can't think of anything more awesome than a perfect natural staircase, other than a natural escalator. 

     On the way back we got behind a car that was going about 25 miles an hour, and the New York in me surfaced, and I started getting itchy and sweaty and looking around at the traffic to see if we could pass safely or, as we do in New York, unsafely. What if this unforeseen delay affected my nap? I settled back in my seat and realized that the feeling I just experienced is what vacations are designed to cure. There is no word for "late" in Jamaica. I'll continue my journey next week.
 

ONLY IN THE MOVIES

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 05-20-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I've been in quarantine for a while now, and I've seen just about every movie and television show that was ever made. I've also been living in the real world for, well, actually never, but I've certainly observed others doing it and it looks pretty straightforward. But there's a difference between what happens in the movies and what happens during a normal day, and they almost never intersect.

     For instance, you often see something called "quicksand" in the movies, but you never see it in real life. It's usually in the middle of a forest somewhere, and instead of simply walking around it, somebody goes right in it, and starts sinking down, down, down to nobody knows where because they always gets rescued just in time. It's about the same consistency as Rice Krispies with too much milk and not enough sugar. It always looks exactly the same every time, as if there was only one guy in Hollywood who knew the recipe. Every time I see some sand in the jungle I stand on it while I time it with my watch to see it it's any quicker than usual, but so far, nothing.

     There's no finesse in killing anyone anymore. In a James Bond movie you could take a rattlesnake and stick it under somebody's pillow, and during an inopportune fluff, CHOMP! A slow painful death, unless Rick Melén is there to save the day. "Rick! You did it! You sucked the poison from the wound and spit it out! You're my HERO!" "Wait, you're supposed to spit it out? What the hell, no one ever told me that part!" Nowadays no one even takes the time to strap me onto a moving conveyor belt heading towards a giant ripsaw. It makes me feel as though I wasn't even worth it.

     How many times in films do you see a guy say a whole bunch of rude things to a girl, and she says a whole bunch of nasty things back, and before you know it, they're rolling around on the floor, pulling at each other's hair in wanton abandon. In real life, one of the nasty things she says to me is that it looks like I haven't vacuumed the floor in at least two months so she's not rolling around on it. And one of the rude things I say to her is don't pull my damn hair. She says don't bother calling her, and I tell her I can't because I don't have her number, so she gives it to me and THEN reiterates the not calling part. And before she slams the door in my face I tell her that I wouldn't call her if she was the last woman left on Earth. Unless she wants me to. Also that it's my apartment, but she already slammed the door.

     I was in driving in New Jersey about to go over a bridge and a barrier comes down in front of me. Turns out it's a drawbridge, and I had to make a split-second decision on whether or not to bust through the barrier and jump the drawbridge. I've seen it done a million times in the movies, but I don't recall anyone ever doing it in a Dodge Dart. My mind races ahead, and I realize that not only will I not make it to the other side, but my fender will have a huge dent from the barrier, and I'm going to get a bill for the hole I put in the sailboat that was coming through at the time, and they're going to charge me to replace the barrier I busted AND I'm going to get a ticket for going 60 MPH trying to get my speed up. So I just stopped, and after 20 minutes I wish I had tried it.

     In the movies, those two platonic friends have been through a lot, and one of them realizes he's in love with her. They share a glass of wine and a long look, and his mouth embarks on an excruciatingly long journey toward hers. Finally they embrace and kiss frantically, their arms and hands moving all over each others' backs and hair and their lips smushing against each others' teeth. Thank god they got it in one take, says their dentist. In real life, we share the wine and the long look, and without taking my eyes off hers, I move in for the big moment, and I'm almost there, and she says, "What the hell do you think you're doing? When I asked you, 'is that the bathroom over there?' it sounded to you like, 'we should kiss now, cue the music?'" When she comes back from the bathroom not only has the moment passed but now I have to go too. Only in the movies.

CORONAVIRUS, WE'LL MISS YOU

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-13-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic 

 

     If a few people can get just a little smarter than they seem to be at the moment, pretty soon this pandemic is going be a wistful memory, and we are going to be nostalgic about it, maybe even a little misty-eyed. Surely I jest, but jest a minute, now. There is no way to minimize the personal horrors of this plague, especially to those who have left behind loved ones, those who have lost loved ones and those who have caught the disease themselves. People who have lost their homes and livelihoods will be holding the door open for the coronavirus when it finally leaves.

 

     But there is no denying that there have been good things that have come out of a world in lock-down for well over a year. For instance, one estimate from a climate-monitoring group is that global emissions of greenhouse gases fell by 5.5 percent during the pandemic. The figure is much greater than it seems, caused by fewer people driving to workplaces that were shuttered, and of course fewer people going to greenhouses. Species of animals that haven't been seen for years are coming out of the woodwork during this unusual time. Hoping to reverse that trend in our own home, I'm thinking of installing more woodwork.

 

     I am one of six Melén children, and we have never in our history interacted all together as siblings as we have in the past year. Every two weeks we get together for a zoom meeting, where we recount the trials and tribulations of growing up in an underprivileged neighborhood in Chappaqua. We retell all the old stories, like the one about how I stole a Briggs and Stratton engine from the cement mixer of a local builder to put on my mini-bike. In all honesty, it's possible that the cement mixer went faster. Or the one about my sister's good fortune in breaking her leg on a makeshift ski slope at the high school, only to have the star quarterback whisk her off the slopes in his arms. During the call my sister Anne's cat crawls onto her shoulder and starts eating one of her ears. It's cute, but she only heard the left side of the mini-bike story.

 

     If you wanted to sell your Westchester home last year, you were in for a nice surprise, as real estate prices in the area skyrocketed. If you then went to buy a house in Florida, you were in for a rude awakening, as real estate prices in the area skyrocketed. A weird cocktail of covid calamities have been a godsend in some industries and made a ghost town of others. 

     What are the long-term effects of not being able to be yelled at in person by the boss? It loses its bite over Zoom with a bad internet connection. "Sorry Mr. Chidewell but I only heard every other word. Did you say my work was woefully horrendous or notably stupendous? And while I have you I need to submit a bill for my ink-jet cartridges. No, sir, I did not say 'pink pet partridges.'" Those days may be coming to an end.

     What are the long-term effects of cats on corporate Zoom meetings? "I got so used to having my cat around during our weekly Zooms that I'll be bringing him to our live meetings now. He's an emotional support cat," I share with the group. "Wow, so he helps you get through the day?" And I reply, "No, actually it's the other way around. If I don't emotionally support him, he wets my morning paper and puts a damper on the news. He's getting better- as you can see he has knocked everyone's pens off the table, and I think you'll all agree that when I use the laser pointer he will make our sluggish sales this quarter seem much more fun."

 

     The air is heavy with drama, fear and expectation, like a reality show with Kardashians in it, only with realer reality. Will people remember how to work a water cooler? The bar we used to go to around the corner after work is under new ownership- will they finally fix the toilet? Gone will be the days when you can go to the refrigerator during work hours, and the half a candy bar you put in there yesterday will still be there today because your wife won't eat anything bad for you. Which reminds me, I left some Chinese food in the fridge at work on March 12th 2020, I hope it's still good. We're embarking on a new "new normal" now, which means that I am going to have to embark on a new abnormal.

FOOD CHAIN MIGRAINE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-06-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     My wife forwarded me an email from the Westchester Department of Health that says that they are offering FREE minnows to put in your ornamental pond. Apparently the minnows eat the mosquito larvae that spawn in the water and grow into man-eating, six-legged monsters that prey upon innocent women and children, although I have never known any innocent children. I don't have an ornamental pond, but how is the Department of Health going to know that? I just can't resist anything that's free. I have a whole drawer full of key chains that were given away FREE at every event I've ever been to. And I just have to order anything on TV when the commercial says, "AND, if you order NOW, you can get a second one TOTALLY FREE!" I do a somersault in glee: WOW! TOTALLY FREE! After I injure myself with the somersault the guy says, "Just pay a separate fee." Wait, what? I'm thinking of releasing the minnows into my drawer and seeing if they'll eat some of those key chains.

     Anyway, mosquitoes are more than just annoying, they can carry the West Nile virus, which causes fever or in rare cases, meningitis. They must have released minnows into the East Nile, because you never hear a word from them. You've probably already tried a bunch of things to get rid of mosquitoes at your party, and all they did was get rid of the party. But you can get up to 250 pounds of minnows, and maybe that will work. I don't know if you can pick the ones you want, but I would choose just one 250-pounder that looks like he never missed a meal.

     If it goes wrong though, don't come crying to me. We have some mice in the winter, and you'd think that cats would be the perfect solution to the problem. But not only are the cats completely uninterested in anything that might make us happy, like chasing away mice, but they have plenty of unflattering habits themselves. I would argue that the mice are better behaved, better trained and more civilized than the cats, but I'd have no one to argue it with. So we got a dog to keep the cats from a life of crime, but the dog has its own agenda and the cats aren't on it. So we got a dog trainer to help, and now we have to pay the dog trainer to keep the dog in check. It's not like we can unleash a lion to keep the dog trainer from sending us bills, but the thought has crossed my mind.

     What I'm saying is that if you go down the path of altering the balance of nature, you may live to regret it, and if you don't live you'll regret it even more. I remember when we visited some friends  in Vermont, and the town had introduced ladybugs into the ecosystem to help control the aphid population. "Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home! Your house is on fire, your children are gone!" I sing. (Hardly any reason to go back home, I guess.) And before anyone knew it there were ladybugs all over the place and they had an infestation on their hands.

     If Charles Darwin were alive today what would he say about it? To be honest with you, Darwin's theory of evolution never impressed me that much. It's a slight improvement on the Adam and Eve story which I never could make heads or tails of, with the spare ribs and snakes and apples I guess. But if humans evolved from one-celled organisms, why are there still one-celled organisms? It's embarrassing for all concerned that there are still more one-celled organisms on Earth than there are humans. And if everything on Earth eats everything else, why hasn't the world been taken over by Brussels sprouts, which have no natural enemies that we know of?

     I sure hope there isn't any truth to the evolution idea, because what if something evolves that is smarter, bigger and stronger than humans, and it happens to notice that we're destroying our own habitat by burning fossil fuels so that we can pay for a few Nintendo games for the children of oil executives who will be forgotten in the blink of an eye? And what if it releases something into the environment to get rid of us, like a bunch of hungry 250-pound minnows? Well, I almost started to make sense there, but it was a false alarm. Nobody is invincible, so we'd better start to get humble. As I was telling a couple bobcats the other day, you may be the nastiest critters in the forest now and then, but in the broader food chain, you're just lynx.
 

A WHOLE NEW BALLGAME

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-29-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Baseball is only one sport of many that will be navigating the tricky waters of a post-covid reality as more and more people get vaccinated, but not all. Since I love the game, let's examine the ramifications of the virus on this sport, and we can extrapolate them to the larger socioeconomic patterns that we will be confronting in the coming months. All this is a nice way of saying that the Yankees suck right now. Going into 2021 Major League Baseball has adopted some guidelines to make the game as safe as possible, and they reflect the attitudes Americans have toward health policies, the re-opening and sports in general.

     Before the start of the season, each Major League ballclub had to designate an "Infection Control Prevention Coordinator." This should be someone in the organization whom everyone already hates. "Hey boss, I think you're going to like what we've done so far. Not only did we PREVENT infection control, but we COORDINATED it! I think even you would agree that this new job title has elevated me to my best self!"

     There are more rules: 1.) You should lather up with hand sanitizer before you punch out the water cooler after a strikeout. 2.) If you're ordered to quarantine at home, at least move to the side so the batter can hit. 3.) Players may not visit bars, indoor gatherings of more than 10 people or attend other potentially dangerous social situations such as giving an ocelot a bath. 4.) Stadiums must be limited to 20 percent capacity. If you are a fan of the Tampa Bay Rays, this will not affect you very much, as that number is about a 10 percent increase from their usual attendance.

     In extra innings, each team starts play with a guy on second base. How did he get there? No one seems to know. Having a guy at second is the worst thing that could happen to the Yankees, who never hit with runners in scoring position. The Yankees would have a better chance of scoring if they started the inning with a runner stuck in traffic on the Triborough Bridge. If a double-header is scheduled, both games will be shortened to seven innings, because everyone knows most covid infections occur in the 8th and 9th innings. 

     No one really knows what to do during a pandemic, and the sports world is no different. In New York State you don't have to wear a mask if you are eating at a table in a restaurant, or if you're playing professional baseball, or if you're playing professional baseball at a table in a restaurant. The manager has his on in the dugout to set a good example. He pulls his mask down to yell at the player who just ran through the third base coach's stop sign, but don't worry, he pulls it up again when no one is around to talk to. Some players are concerned about variants. What if my coronavirus mutates into a chronic hamstring injury while I'm not looking? There are often cardboard cutouts of celebrities, fans and pets that are set up to fill the seats in the stands. Can the coronavirus live on cardboard? If so, it would be an embarrassing way to catch the disease.

     One of the Yankees was recently scratched from play and penciled onto the "Cannot Play Because of Covid" list. Turns out he didn't even have covid, he just had side effects from getting his vaccination. I had side effects after I got my shot, some achy chills and fatigue, nothing worse than if I just played three sets of tennis, sat through an entire poetry reading, had a coffee urn drop on my head and fell in love. It's nothing that would keep you out of a game in any other sport but baseball, or possibly chess.

     But that's what we're dealing with at the moment. Major League baseball says that they will revisit and possibly change any of these rules, either if circumstances warrant or if everyone finds out that they are dumb. They say that hitting is contagious. If so, I urge all the Yankees to remove their masks and wash their hands while singing "Happy Birthday" only ONCE.