I'M DATING PETE DAVIDSON

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-27-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I'm not really dating Pete Davidson, but the odds are pretty good that YOU will, if you haven't already. If I WERE dating Pete Davidson, I would have to ask WHY I was doing that, since I'm a happily married heterosexual male. But what if I put myself in a woman's shoes for a little while? A woman who was single, probably high-profile and wore a size 11-and-a-half shoe?

     In a relatively short space of time, Pete Davidson has dated some of the most gorgeous and successful female celebrities of our time: Ariana Grande, Larry David's daughter Cazzie David, Andie MacDowell's daughter Margaret Qualley, Cindy Crawford's daughter Kaia Gerber, Robert Kardashian's daughter Kim Kardashian, and Lily Mo Sheen's mother, Kate Beckinsale. Thank god he didn't have children with all these women or it would have broken Ancestry.com. And in every photo of the happy couple, she is looking well-dressed, well-kept and totally hot, and he's looking like he just said the word, "Yup!"

     What do these women see in him? Is it the ink? Pete Davidson has about 100 tattoos, which might well be enough for me to call off our date. To me, a tattoo is just a splotchy blot on your body which, if it grew there naturally, you'd probably pay $4,000 dollars to have removed. Most people I know who have tattoos tell me theirs is something so very special that they like to be reminded of it often, something like the preamble to the constitution or their kids' names. Davidson's tattoos are of Hillary Clinton, a shark, a Pacman, a skull with a brain on top, a ghost with its tongue sticking out and other things that are so special to him that if he wants to be reminded of them he'll need to remove his shirt, stand in front of a mirror and read them backwards over his shoulder.

     Women often say that they love a guy with a sense of humor, and Pete Davidson IS a comedian. So why do Pete's relationships Peter out after an average shelf life of less than four months? Surely he must have more than four month's worth of material. I like a girl with a good sense of humor too, and if she laughs at my jokes I can safely assume she doesn't have one.

     Since his relationships don't seem to last, it may just be that he doesn't know how to talk to women. I've watched a lot of noir movies, and I've learned a few things. Trust me, pick a dramatic moment such as just after you order pizza, grab her by both elbows for emphasis and say this to her: "Listen, sweetheart, you got yourself a dimestore Romeo, and I got myself the Queen of Hearts. You flipped a coin and it came up heads AND tails. The whole package, baby, and it came C.O.D. Any other dame would have run for the door like a fire drill in a Dutch shoe factory. But you stuck it out. You stuck with me like scales on a mackerel and I love you for it. It's been three weeks and I love you more now than I did a week and a half ago." Use a Humphrey Bogart accent for heightened effect, and don't say anything else until the pizza comes. You can thank me later. If Pete Davidson didn't know enough to say something like that to Kate Beckinsale I can see why she left him.

     One of his old girlfriends said something to the effect that no one can believe women are attracted to Pete Davidson, but maybe he just has a really great personality (she didn't say he actually did). First of all, I'm tired of women judging men on shallow details like our personalities. Second, women are often judged on their appearance, whereas men can be "rugged," "chiseled" or "sturdy" and still be considered attractive. I myself have been described as, "looking like he could use a going over with a sheet of medium-grit sandpaper," which in some cultures ain't too bad.

     But I was no Pete Davidson in my single days, and my dating life in high school had a certain downward spiral to it. I'm a little bit shy, and things might progress pretty well for a couple weeks until I felt comfortable enough to open up and let my natural charm out. That's usually what spelled doom for the relationship since there was no way to get it back in. But models and actresses? Those kind of women wouldn't give me the time of day. But I showed them, didn't I? Bought myself a watch.

IN WITH A WHIMPER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-20-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Well, 2021 went out with a bang when I kicked it through the back door with my foot. I was not sorry to see it go. But 2022 tiptoed in quietly at 12:00 midnight as if its curfew was at 10:00 and it was trying not to wake up its parents. Due to the resurgence of the pandemic, the blur of activity usually surrounding New Year's Eve was idling in the garage in "park." Gatherings of one person or less were recommended by most authorities. If you got together with three people, at least two of them were required to be boring.

     I still can't believe I spent New Year's Eve at home for the first time in at least 45 years. I'm not sure who to blame for this, but I have a few ideas. I would normally attend a party, and if no one invites me to a party, I might go to one that no one specifically told me to avoid.  I remember when I was about 13 or so and stayed all the way up to watch the festivities on television with my family, and the ball dropped in Times Square and they sang "Auld Lang Syne" and I remembered thinking, this is a stupid song. Why should old acquaintances be forgotten? Then my folks said I could have some champagne and I forgot most of my old acquaintances anyway. At that age acquaintances weren't old enough for me to miss them much.

     Many people didn't want to fly anywhere to celebrate the occasion, and I don't blame them. Even birds aren't flying right now unless they absolutely have to. Air travel was already an abject annoyance to me even before the pandemic, and it seems like only people that you'd never agree to spend four hours with are in airplanes right now. There are braindead heroes starting fights in the cabin because they don't want to wear a mask to prevent them from coughing their covid all over my tiny little pillow. Come think of it, I don't think we should have to wear seat belts either, and I can't see anything out the window with that big ugly wing sitting there in my way. Okay? 

     Also, I'm a bit of a backseat driver, and I think that the pilot's intercom should be two-way, so I can let him know how I think he's driving. He already introduced himself so I go ahead and introduce myself too. "Pilot Bill, may I call you William? It's super hot where I am- I think we're flying too close to the sun. I happen to know another way to Europe if you're interested." Someone's been in the bathroom for 45 minutes and I bet he has the Sunday crossword puzzle. I'd like to get up and walk around but where would I go? "Hey Pilot William, you got a second? It's Passenger Rickster again. I know you're busy, but the stewardess says we're out of peanuts, and I'm guessing you have a secret stash in there. I have three bags of pretzels, and I'll trade the three pretzels for one peanut. This is a limited-time offer. Tell the co-pilot also."

     We watched a Columbo marathon all day on television until it was the cocktail hour, which we moved up into the dinner slot (we had moved dinner into lunch). I knew right away who committed the murder, because I'm a bit of a crime-solving genius. I told my wife, "Jack Cassidy did it. I'll bet you 20 bucks." "He's not even in this one. It's Patrick McGoohan, they already showed him killing the guy," she said. "I still think it's Jack Cassidy, and if Robert Culp turns up, I bet you 20 bucks all three of them kill each other." I was out about 80 bucks before Columbo even scratched his head once. 

     We got all dressed up for the occasion, just the two of us, and even our dog had on a beautiful fur coat. I had on a turtleneck and a blazer. I even put one of my contact lenses in so I could optimistically see half the glass as full for the new year. Everyone would have said I looked great, and I would have lied and told them they looked great too. I definitely looked better than Columbo but not as good as Jack Cassidy.

     If we had gone out to one of those fancy prix fixe dinners it would have cost me about 300 bucks, and I would have made fun of things all night like foie gras, that I would never eat in a million years, and my wife would have told me what I was missing out on and that I might as well order pizza at home. So this year we ordered pizza at home. The pizza was good, but I had nothing to make fun of, and I had to try and carry on a normal conversation. You know what? I just realized, maybe THAT should be my New Year's resolution. To order more pizza at home. 

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 01-06-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     This week I'm back to expose the rest of the lesser known stories of the past year. I'm going to strip them down to their bare essentials and bring you just the naked facts. And now I'm exhausted and need a cigarette, even though I don't smoke.

EXTREME WEATHER CAUSES 'HAIRY PANIC'
     A severe windstorm last winter caused an Australian suburb to become buried in huge drifts of tumbleweeds, making the town of Hillside in the state of Victoria a grassy mess. Known locally as the "hairy panic," the weeds accumulated high enough to prevent some homeowners from being able to open their front doors. I picture the scene to look something like Sean Connery's back. I don't know how they plan to make the unkempt area kempt again, but I imagine that they're hoping a few tons of wax blows in next.

HUMAN-COMPOSTING FUNERAL HOME OPENS
     Last January in Kent, Washington, Recompense opened as the first-of-its-kind human-composting funeral home in the U.S. In at least 30 days the resulting soil is tested for pathogens and available for use. It's just another after-life option for those whom you love very mulch. I never thought my final resting place might be a flower bed, but if I'm pushing up daisies anyway, they might as well look damned good. We have a compost pile in the woods, where I put things like corncobs, coffee grounds, VCRs and jokes about stuff I'm not allowed to make fun of anymore. I don't go out there much when I'm alive, and I expect to leave it at that. There are weeds growing on top of the pile, and they really seem to appreciate my efforts. If any of this compost causes the proliferation of tumbleweeds, the residents of Hillside, Australia are not going to be pleased.

AIRBAG JEANS IN PROTOTYPE FOR MOTORCYCLISTS
     As if I weren't already full of hot air, a company called Mo'cycle is working on a pair of jeans that contain airbags which run down the inseam and detonate upon impact during an accident. I'm a motorcycle rider myself, and if I have an accident in my pants that results in an explosion of air, then, well you go ahead and finish the joke, this one's on me.

MOSQUITOES RELEASED IN FLORIDA KEYS
     The first group of genetically engineered non-biting mosquitoes were released in the Florida Keys in April, to help control the Zika and other viruses. These male mosquitoes mate with the disease-carrying females and pass on a lethal gene that causes the death of the offspring and controls the population. Whoever got it in their head that non-biting males would ever mate with biting females should immediately clear his internet browser history. What the article fails to mention is exactly where the mosquitoes were being released from. What were they in for? Are they out on good behavior? Remember that for a mosquito a slap on the wrist amounts to a death sentence.

INDIAN MAN KILLED BY OWN ROOSTER DURING COCKFIGHT
     In February a New Delhi man who had fitted his rooster with a small knife on his way to an illegal competition died of blood loss when the bird tried to escape and inflicted lethal wounds to his groin area. While this seems like a case of instant justice, it's a vivid example of the old adage: Never bring a cock to a knife fight.

     And that's the year in review. I'd like to wish everyone a healthy and happy 2022. I'd also like to thank those of you who read my column this year. I cherish the opportunity to make some of you laugh without having to let you watch me ski. For those of you who don't read my column, now is the perfect time to talk behind your back, and I must say that hairstyle makes you look 10 years older. And don't bother saying the same thing about me, I already know my hairstyle makes you look 10 years older.

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 01-06-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part I
     This was the year that, well, not a whole lot may have happened to you, other than whatever happened in your living room. It was almost worth setting up an obstacle course between there and the kitchen, just so you don't find yourself out of practice when the world starts revolving again. But there were some weird stories out there, and even though I'm telling you that you can't make this stuff up, in this case I actually didn't.

CANADIANS WARNED NOT TO LET MOOSE LICK THEIR CARS
     Last winter electronic signs appeared in Jasper, Alberta, because moose craving salt often find it by slurping the road salt off of car panels. I crave salt sometimes and tried this myself and I could see why it was so dangerous, until someone told me to wait until the cars had stopped. The moose population in the area had grown due to the decline in wolves, and more interactions between humans and moose had been reported. Despite their unusual nature, there were no complaints about the signs from anyone except disappointed cars.

326 MILLION YEAR-OLD MILLIPEDE FOSSIL DISCOVERED IN AUSTRALIA
     The fossilized remains of a giant millipede were discovered when a piece of sandstone fell off a cliff in Northumberland near where a PhD student happened to be walking by. Scientists are still counting its legs to verify its authenticity, but the invertebrate is thought to have lived in the Carboniferous Period before dinosaurs were invented, and even before they came out with the gigapede. Researchers noted that the creature was "as big as a car," which is just rubbing it in for those of us who can't get a car due to the microchip shortage. I don't want to change the subject here, but it's possible that someday in the future a PhD student who happens to be walking by will discover the fossilized remains of my Dodge Dart, which scientists believe to be as big as a prehistoric millipede.

GOVERNMENT RELEASES REPORT ON UFOS
     In June the Office of the Director of National Intelligence issued its Preliminary Assessment of "Unidentified Aerial Phenomena." It was the document that nuts and weirdos have been waiting on for decades, in which the U.S. government finally outlines what they know about the sightings of 144 flying objects, which is almost nothing. The report theorizes that there are probably many different explanations, such as "Airborne Clutter," under which heading it lists birds and plastic bags. What are they trying to hide? The one case that was definitively explained was identified as a large balloon with escaping air, which was somewhat deflating. It reminds me of when people saw Superman flying around and they said, "LOOK! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!" And I said, "Haven't you people seen birds and planes before? Try to get a grip on yourselves and maybe cut down on the espresso." But to think that people from other planets are flying around disguised as plastic bags defies military intelligence. The reality is this: If you were an alien living somewhere with potable water, breathable atmosphere and decent wi-fi, why on Earth would you come here? No one would travel millions of light years through a vacuum, to a planet where smart scientists are made fun of by non-bright people on Facebook.

VENOMOUS SNAKE FOUND IN FAMILY'S CHRISTMAS TREE
     A couple in the Western Cape of South Africa noticed their cat staring at the Christmas tree, and found the source of his fascination to be a four foot boomslang, a highly poisonous snake perched in its branches. This is the kind of thing you usually see on TV, when you know too much and somebody tries to kill you by leaving a snake in your refrigerator. I saw this exact thing on Starsky and Hutch. Surprisingly the plan failed, although the two perished two years later as the result of poor ratings. I'm sure the snake was roundly criticized at the post-mortem: "You jack-asp, you had ONE job and that was to kill Starsky." To which the snake replied, "If you wanted me to bite somebody, why did you leave me in a refrigerator with half a meatball pizza in it?" Just for the record, if a poisonous snake bites you, you should not try to suck the poison out of the wound, at least not until you know the wound better, and you should definitely not try to suck the poison out of the snake.

     And that's a few of the stories you had to wait two thousand and twenty-one years to hear, and I hope they were worth it. I'll be back next week with part two of the year in review. Happy New Year!

HOLIDAY ON WHEELS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-30-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Last week with December 25th fast approaching, we were looking for a little holiday spirit and thought we might find it on somebody's lawn. So we joined our town's caravan of lights to see what our neighbors were up to. We fell in behind a group of cars with their blinkers on, following one of the town's salt spreaders around the local streets to take a look at peoples' Christmas decorations. We took it on good faith that the salt spreader had the same general agenda we did, and wasn't simply out spreading salt. We took it on even more faith the the guy in front of us with his blinkers on was on the tour and didn't just panic that his "CHECK ENGINE" light was flashing.

     It reminded me of what funeral processions were probably like before the GPS was invented and everybody just assumed that the hearse knew where it was going. If it got lost down a narrow dead-end street, the hearse driver would have to yell to the car behind him, "We need to all make a K-turn- pass it down." But our caravan rolled on full steam ahead with no K-turns. My wife found a satellite station with all Christmas carols to set the mood, and I heard that angelic refrain, "Do you see what I see?" And I sang my usual response, "Not without my glasses...."

     We saw a car with Ohio plates trying trying to get out of the DeCicco's parking lot, and we let him in ahead of us. He stayed with the tour for about half an hour, I guess thinking that he had come all this way for groceries and he might as well have a look around and see what else is going on. We rolled by Arnie's house, which is a winter wonderland of lights, inflatables and decorations. There is so much going on in that front lawn that I can't believe there is a spare ampere for any of the neighbors to run their hair dryer. I would guess you can see it from the Space Station, but that wasn't on the tour.

     I have my preferences in Christmas decorations. I'm not partial to those lights that come in a net that you just throw over your bushes as if they were trying to get away. I need you to suffer a little bit for the right look. If you didn't fall off a ladder and break something stringing those lights around your tree, get up there and try again. I also like it when you hang icicle lights from all the eaves on your house. I like it when YOU do it, but I'm not doing it. I can just picture me on that ladder and my Dad yelling, "Hey Buddy, clean the gutters while you're up there!" And my whole Saturday is completely shot. 

     "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" pops onto the radio. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." I'm not exactly sure how he knows all this, but I'm a little freaked out and I'm changing all my internet passwords the minute I get home. 

     There were some weird Nativity Scenes, with Jesus, and Joseph and Mary looking on, and also some elves, the Grinch, Snoopy and a lot of players that were never brought up in "Away in a Manger." Some did not bring gifts or even a card. By the way, I've always noticed that there are a lot of pictures of Jesus as a baby, and pictures of him as a man, and he always looks good. And I'm not complaining or anything, but if it had been me, all anyone would ever see is me as a 12 year-old, making goofy faces and wearing an idiotic hat.

     "O Tannenbaum" came on the radio in German, but it always reminds me of this guy Tannenbaum who used to beat me at tennis all the time. He was not a charitable winner either, and that song makes me want to do things to his mailbox that are not in the spirit of giving. But we rolled on. There was a house with about a dozen inflatable objects on the lawn, and whoever blew them all up is probably in an oxygen tent at this moment hyperventilating. I notice that people are a lot more tolerant of reindeer on their lawn during the holidays than they usually are. The last thing I want on my property is an inflatable deer eating all my inflatable azaleas. 

     I could see a beautiful show of blue and red lights spinning in the distance, but it turned out to be two police cars making a traffic stop. If it was that guy from Ohio with his "CHECK ENGINE" light flashing, he should have stuck with us- our movement was almost imperceptible. I'd like to wish him a happy holday anyway. Happy holidays to all of you, too!

THE THOUGHTS THAT COUNT

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-16-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     There are still a couple more days until my birthday, which happens to conveniently fall on Christmas Day, so you can get all your shopping in at once. I'm pretty easy to please, and if you can't think of anything I'll accept a personal check with two forms of identification.

     I've been nice this year, not as naughty as past years. I learned how to do the laundry, for instance. I separate the colored items from the whites and the darks and I add the correct amount of bleach and detergent. Like trigonometry, learning it is enough. To actually DO the laundry would be ostentatious, and also I'm not sure which one is the washer and which is the dryer.

     There are a couple items I saw on TV that might streamline your shopping experience, and if you call now you can get the second one FREE! Just pay a separate fee, but I said that part really quietly so you probably didn't hear it. I saw a commercial for the "Tac Pen," which is short for "tactical pen," and you can probably imagine several military tactics that your current pen isn't properly trained to handle. I have my own tactical pen in the bathroom that writes in invisible ink, no matter how hard I shake it, scribble it, threaten it or try to flush it down the toilet. The one on TV has a strobe light that you can use to temporarily incapacitate criminals, like Jimmy Stewart did in "Rear Window." I picture this function being used to temporarily incapacitate myself while I'm writing a postcard, and when I come to Grace Kelly is looking at me like I'm an idiot. The commercial shows someone running over the pen with their car to demonstrate how well-made it is, which looks like something my wife would do to demonstrate how un-well-made my bald car tires are.

     Then there's the "Original Singing Bird Clock," that you might want to buy for someone you hate. To commemorate every single hour of your existence, a different bird chirps its cheerful song as if to say, "I know you've been looking forward for 25 years to being an 'empty nester,' but instead let's sing a song. Do you know 'Dominique' by The Singing Nuns? There's 16 verses, some in French." For fun, try to guess which bird is chirping at 3:00AM: Is it the cackling crow? The inquisitive barn owl? Or is it the frisky bush tit? I don't know and I'm not going to stick around to find out- I've just set fire to the house.

     I've also seen an ad for a beauty product that air-brushes foundation make-up onto your face. This might sound dangerous, not because the chemicals could cause a skin condition, but because if you give a gift that implies that you'd like to see a different face spray-painted onto your significant other, she might do significant damage to your own face with a tactical pen. I would definitely leave out the part about doing some spackling and putting at least two coats of primer down. In the ad several women are depicted spraying this stuff right onto their face with their eyes wide open, and they are beaming as if they think they could do at least as good as Picasso ever did.

     The "Stunning™ Volume Style Brush" is the "faster, easier, and healthier way to bigger, fuller hair!" It infuses soothing botanicals as you brush, which add volume in case you can't hear your hair. It appears as though they've trademarked "stunning," so if you use that word to compliment me on my newly infused hair I may have to hit you with a cease-and-desist order.

     One of my favorite gifts, and I wouldn't mind if you got it for me again, was a chemistry set I got as a kid, with test tubes and vials of different substances. The first thing I did was mix them all together, and the second thing I did was read the directions, which explicitly warned against mixing all the chemicals together. I guess I was trying to invent something that would either blow up, result in a lot of smoke, smell extremely bad or preferably all three at once. And that's how I learned how to cook.

     But any gift I get from you I will cherish, no matter how cheap it makes you look. And if you do splurge on the chemistry set I will take your pH with a sheet of litmus paper and save you the trouble of doing it yourself. I'm starting to feel a little chemistry between us already.  

LIVE MUSIC IS BACK

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-16-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I might have mentioned this before, but I'm a volunteer usher at the Tarrytown Music Hall. It's a really fun gig where you can take in some great shows and help a non-profit organization service the community. Try it yourself! You'll attend an orientation to learn about the oldest theater in Westchester, and what your duties will be. You'll need to pass a background check, but anything that happens in the foreground is between you, me and the lamppost. Thankfully, you must be vaccinated and wear a mask while you're attending the theater during these contagious times, so we don't all have to sit six feet apart and not breathe very much. I'm looking forward to the day when you can see the sardonic smile under my mask so that you know when I was just kidding.

     The Music Hall was built in 1885 by confection mogul William L. Wallace. It was built in the Queen Anne style, and if you squint your eyes it looks just like her. Wallace was a chocolatier, which I fancy as something of a swashbuckler, with a hat with a feather in it and maybe a sword, a chocolate cigarette dangling from his mouth.

     During the early 1900s the Music Hall was home to extravagant flower shows, where barons of industry living in the "Millionaire's Colony" that was Tarrytown competed against each other in a botanical battleground. We'll never know if Jay Gould's lilies were lilier than John D. Rockefeller's candy tufts, but I wouldn't want to lose to that bunch of pansies that Vanderbilt showed up with.

     It was saved from the wrecking ball in the 1970s by the Ringeisen family, who started a non-profit organization to transform it into a lively music venue. It's an intimate theater, and I've certainly said some things to it that I wouldn't say to just any theater that I didn't have that kind of relationship with. I feel like I could walk around in my bathrobe there, but don't worry, I can never remember where I left my bathrobe.

     As a patron you can become a member of the Music Hall, and get the first crack at tickets and other neat perks. Even a drink and a candy bar brought to you in your seat, and I would be honored to serve you. Last week I was a glorified waitress, and I enjoyed every minute of it because I got to interact with the guests a little and thank them for supporting the theater. I say waitress because as long as I'm glorifying myself I could always use a new pair of Louboutins.

     Sometimes people try to breeze right past me to the balcony, they figure they know the alphabet and how to count. I envy those skills certainly, but what they don't know is how weirdly the seats are numbered. Plus, sometimes the seat numbers are on your right armrest, sometimes your left. If you didn't make it to calculus in high school you'd better let me show you to your seat. I can do it quickly and efficiently, but I wasn't always a seasoned veteran....

     I had to find the right flashlight first. The flashlight isn't just a light source to an usher, it's a means of expression. I can say more with my flashlight than I can in a 900-word column, and it would have saved us all some time if I did that right now. I started out with a flashlight that had 5 illumination modes: 1.) Dim beam, for seeing at things by mistake that you don't really give a crap about. 2.) Slightly brighter, for things your wife tells you to look for but you aren't really interested in finding; low-calorie desserts, spiders and the remote control (when a perfectly good James Bond movie is already on) would fall into that category. 3.) High beam, for shining out the back of your car when someone is following you too closely with his brights on. 4.) Slow-distress-signal mode, which flashes at a leisurely rate when you're not in a huge hurry to be rescued. Being held against your will at a gentleman's club is a good example. 5.) Fast-distress-signal mode, which frantically lets anyone and everyone know that they ran out of beer at the gentleman's club. When I finally had the right flashlight setting I still couldn't make out the numbers on your ticket because I couldn't find my glasses. But they were resting on top of my head, and once I woke them up I got you to your seat without any further ado.

     I'm all sorted out now, so take a look at the schedule and get some tickets for you and your date or your kids. Until then, aisle be seating you in all the old, familiar places. Enjoy the show!