There are wood-boring bees at my house, and they are making my life miserable. They are only one of several things at my house that are surprisingly boring, but they’re definitely the most difficult to get rid of. They drill a hole in your furniture or eaves exactly a quarter inch in diameter, then burrow across inside the wood. Once there they watch old reruns of “The Twilight Zone,” which takes them exactly 28 days. Then they die, never having experienced “Night Gallery.”. The amazing thing is that the hole is so perfect it looks like they drilled it with a drill. So I thought I might shave a couple of days off the hole process and I decided to drill one for them. As is just like me, I drilled all the way through and out of the top of the railing by mistake, and all the bees were snickering at me and rolling their little bee eyes. So they’re on their own now, screw them.
I also have carpenter ants, but since my real carpenter doesn’t seem to return my calls, they are all I’ve got right now, and they actually don’t do bad work. I was going to have them put up an addition near the garage, but they seem to think that a subtraction is the way to go, so we’ll see what they come up with.
Speaking of insects, a luna moth landed near our hot tub the other day. It is a beautiful bright green moth about 3 ½ inches long, quite tame and makes a suitable pet if you keep it in your sweater drawer. It has two large “eyes” on its wing to confuse predators into thinking that it is the Geico pile of money. It seemed to know it was beautiful, and while posing for pictures responded to such commands as, “that’s it baby, you're gorgeous!, ” and ”give me more! MORE! Make LOVE to the camera baby!” While photographing the luna moth do use your flash. The male is a little bit brighter than the female, but ____________________. (You fill in the blanks, I’m sick of doing all the work). Incidentally, you can tell the difference between a moth and a butterfly either by asking it or by their antennae. The butterfly has a thin antenna, like a thread with a little knob at the end, and the moth has a thicker antenna that looks like a comb.
I saw a commercial for an SUV the other day that depicted a 4 x 4 (they should just call it a 16 don’t you think??) on a joyride up on the moon, going about 50 miles per hour over craters and such. At the bottom of the screen it said, “Closed course. Professional driver. Do not attempt.” Is this not the stupidest thing ever written on the bottom of a television screen? Well, for now maybe but I’ll think of something stupider. Any half-wit knows that if you’re going to drive an SUV on the moon, you will need to beef up your springs, probably your shocks, too. Also your air filter, and I would go two sizes up in tires. So the ad is stupid.
It’s like when they try to sell cars over the radio, and after laying out a fairly reasonable premise, a guy flies in at the end with about 20 minutes of things to say in a 6 second window. He rattles on and on REALLY fast about how you shouldn’t take this offer too seriously, and let’s not get too caught up in things, and hey we have to make a living too, and just ruins the whole sales experience for you.
Incidentally, the actual Lunar Rover used on Apollos 15, 16 and 17 was an electric vehicle that cost $38 million. But now, with incentives and rebates, you can probably get your hands on one for about half that. The problem is where do you get it serviced??? Since it was electric, it was extremely Earth friendly, and even more so since it was never driven on Earth.
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